The Family Pie

The Golden anniversary. The Emerald anniversary. Even the Diamond anniversary. Now that is a long time. Let me take it down a level, and just look at 30 or 40 years together. When you hear of or see a couple who have been together for that many years, have you ever asked yourself, “how is that even possible?” What makes that couple different from every other couple? One might say that it is generational. Some would argue insanity. I fear that today, we are going to see fewer and fewer of these relationships stand the test of time. What was once taboo is now hallway conversation or something said in passing. Divorce, separation and breaking up are now common words in our vocabulary, no longer whispered at the dinner table. 

Relationships by nature are a great deal of work. When you have two people trying to coexist, there are many factors already posing as roadblocks. There are personality and physical differences, past relationship experiences, children, exes, extended family, friends, and a host of other uncontrollable forces standing ready to cause relationship problems.  Having battled these demons myself, rather than try to fight the forces of nature, I decided to learn and grow from my past experiences, and thus The Family Pie was created.

The Family Pie has been 30 years in the making, and has evolved into a tool which has not only solidified my current relationship and the relationships of those I share this with, but has also given me the means to grow personally and professionally. During my times of despair, when moments of deep and meaningful thoughts exploded in my brain, I came up with this model as a better way to explain the dynamics of relationships that extend far beyond just two people. This multi-leveled, versatile tool can actually be put into place in your professional life as well as within the family unit. Unlike most other “relationship tools,” this model can be applied to all facets of life. I created this tool to help me learn and grow in my relationship, but as I started putting the pieces together, I realized that it need not be confined solely to relationships, but could cross over into work, friends and every other relationship in which I might choose to invest time. The Family Pie, if followed daily, will allow any relationship to thrive, and give both parties the reciprocity they desire and need in the relationship. 

The Family Pie will change your life, if you let it. Why? This tool allows you to become the master, the driving force, the decision maker. You do not have to spend a great deal of money on someone who is a self-proclaimed family therapist, someone who has a decade of specialized schooling, or someone who puts out a new “relationship” book every year. The Family Pie works on you and me, by you and me. There are no scientific formulas, no sitting on a couch staring at your partner and listening to a therapist give you homework to strengthen your bond. This was developed by real personal life experiences. You do not need the best and most expensive marriage counselor; you do not need money; all you need is the desire to better your relationship. Your relationship with your partner, your children, or even your boss. Now I fully understand the need to talk things out or get advice, and I am not implying that this tool is the “be all, end all”, but it is one that you can build on and use everywhere you go and in every conversation you have. Whether with a therapist, a friend, or parents, The Family Pie can be the guiding, informational force. This is also not a shot at licensed family and marriage counselors, they are very well trained and can help couples tackle very complex relationship issues, this tool is to help you better understand and identify what could be missing from your relationship. Start with The Family Pie and go from there!

Additionally, if you apply the simple logic of The Family Pie to your professional life, you will find that your current position will be more rewarding, and you will be recognized by your employer and by your peers. You will get in return what you provide. You will have a gratifying life/work balance which you can share. This is no secret. This is not complex. It is simply a matter of learning, understanding and implementing a tool that will become second nature, a tool that utilizes inherent human characteristics. Each one of us already has every piece of this pie; it is simply a matter of knowing it is there and how to use it effectively in life. I encourage you to print out The Family Pie, hang it up where you work, put it on your refrigerator, keep it in your purse or wallet, and most importantly, read it every day. Don’t just look at it. READ IT, UNDERSTAND IT. It will change your life.

For context and the purpose of building a foundation, I will apply The Family Pie to personal relationships. Once you grasp the basic understanding of The Family Pie and how to use it, you can decide how far you want to take it and how to incorporate it into various aspects of your life. 

The Family Pie is comprised of eight elements necessary for a relationship to be triumphant, meaningful, long lasting, and most importantly, satisfying. The eight elements are: Communication, Trust, Honesty, Respect, Emotional Support, Intimacy, Self-Worth, and Mutual Interests. All eight of these elements must be present in some form for a relationship to truly last, and for both parties to feel their needs are being met. None of the elements are more important than another, but they all build on each other. There are no percentages of any kind related to these eight elements; it does not matter what proportion they are as long as each element is represented in your pie. Everyone is different and everyone needs a different amount of each element. The important thing to remember is that EACH element must be represented each and every day. Some days, you may need more emotional support then others, and other days you may need to be reminded of your self-worth.  Some days, your need to talk is less than other days, but the need is still there to fulfill. Your life changes every day with each decision you make and each action you take. Based on these decisions and actions, your Family Pie elements may, and should, shift.

Remember that these elements are not only what you give or share, but also what you take or receive in return. You personally may not need a great deal of emotional support, but that may not be true for your significant other. Learning and understanding these elements are only a part of what makes this tool successful; how you apply the tool is of equal importance. As the saying goes, more often than not, it is not only what you say but how you say it. The same logic applies to The Family Pie: it is not only knowing the eight elements, but understanding how and when to use them. If you want to make a difference in your life, it has to start with you. 

The Family Pie can only be successful if each element is represented. Everyone has their own pie and everyone’s needs are different. Each section of the pie must have something in it, and be customized to that particular person, or the pie will be off balance. Think of the pie spinning on an axis. If all of the pieces or elements within the pie are represented, then it will continue to spin with balance. If you start to eliminate pieces of the pie, then it will become unbalanced and spin out of control. Once the pie degenerates into a pattern of spinning out of control, it takes a great deal of time and energy to replace or rebuild pieces of the pie while it is in motion. This is a messy and confusing situation to be in, but one that can be corrected once your pie is reestablished and you start refilling your sections. Your life continues to spin, without pause. In this roller coaster of life, there are ups and downs, and even times when you feel as if you are being turned upside down; but with this tool, this simple tool, you can help control these twists and turns and be better prepared for the next up or down phase. 

Most of us have had a failed relationship. What caused this relationship to fail can be within or without your control. No matter where you have been or where you are right now, you can start applying The Family Pie. Remember, there are no mistakes in life. No matter what you have done, it was for a reason. Everything you have done up to this point, can be a learning lesson, a new path forward. Those “mistakes” that you have made, have brought you to your point in life right now. Now is the time to build, grow and learn from yourself.

Success

In order for the second element to be successful, you must master the first. In order for the third element to be successful, you must master the second, and so forth.  If you fail to achieve one of these eight elements, then the others will suffer, and your relationship will suffer. Remember that pie spinning on the axis? 

Your relationship may not collapse if you don’t have all these elements, but if you look at your union and ask yourself if you are truly happy and getting everything you can get out of it, your answer will be a resounding “no.” There are people in their third, fourth, even fifth decade of relationships who do not have all these elements.  I can identify three characteristics of those relationships.  First, some follow a “generational” line of thinking, where they have learned to adapt to what they have lived with for so long, feeling that this is as good as it gets. Most generational relationships succeed because people have settled for what they have, and have learned to accept each other for who they are, even if it means compromising some of their own needs or desires. Fifty years ago, the family pie was not half of what it is today. Being raised a woman, your pie was not even taken into consideration. The man “wore the pants in the family”, and television shows like Father Knows Best and I Love Lucy emulated this reality. The man’s pie was simplistic, and as long as his wife did not question his behavior, cleaned the house, had dinner ready when he got home from work, and took care of the children, he was happy, that was his pie, and he ate it too.

A second common characteristic of relationships in their golden years with incomplete pies is the existence of specific religious beliefs. This is not to imply that having faith in a religion means that you are living with an unfulfilling relationship. However, some religious beliefs do not allow for the option of ending a relationship. This belief pattern appears to be dissipating over time, though, and we are seeing more and more relationships end due to our ever-changing society. One might say there is nothing worse than being in a one-sided relationship, but those who have strong beliefs or religious values have made their relationships thrive by filling the voids with other personal, meaningful substances which have kept their relationships whole. This is not necessarily bad, but today divorce is not as taboo as it once was, and it is now more the norm than the exception.

The third characteristic of lasting relationships is that they are already fulfilling their family pies. In these relationships, there is a bond and an understanding of support, caring and love that instinctually contains the eight elements. It may appear that this is an effortless motion, but trust me, those couples that are happy and successful in their relationship ARE fulfilling their own pies.

With changing times and stronger personalities, we need something that can be applied to every relationship.  I developed The Family Pie for myself, but also because I was tired of seeing those I loved suffer from the same relationship blunders that I had. What I discovered in the process was that in order for a relationship to go beyond the “honeymoon” phase, habits or rituals need to be instilled in order to maintain that passion, love, and commitment. And in order for these to become habits, one must practice them on a daily basis until they just become part of one’s daily routine. The Family Pie will strengthen your relationship, and will help you understand what your partner needs in the relationship as well. Often times you can only see the glass that you are drinking from; the pie will help you see both glasses. It will let you know when you need to drink from your glass or your partner’s. It will also let you know when you need to replenish your glass with something else, just as it will let you know when your partner’s glass is nearing empty. 

Communication is the foundation of all relationships, particularly of marriage. If you do not communicate with your partner or spouse, then the need for all other elements will be irrelevant. You cannot truly know someone unless you effectively communicate. A significant and deep relationship must penetrate beyond the surface and get to the heart, even if it hurts. Communication must be emotional and spiritual, and it must be profound to be meaningful. A successful relationship will provide the greatest rewards life can offer, and will also be the most challenging. It will bring a smile to your face a mile wide, and in an instant bring you the greatest pain you have ever felt. You must be willing to put in the time, energy, and dedication necessary to achieve the pinnacle of a relationship. If both parties in a relationship are filling their pies with all the elements, the potential of success in the marriage will be that much greater, resulting in a two-sided, equally satisfying relationship.

As you will see below, I did not include spirituality as an element of the pie, although it is strong enough to be its own element. The reason spirituality is not identified as a separate element is that it should be built into and present within each of the other elements. Spirituality is a broad and vague description of something greater than all of us, yet it is necessary to have in order to connect from the soul. Spirituality is defined as “the quality or condition of being spiritual.” The greatest thing about spirituality is that it can mean something different to everyone. You can be spiritual about religion, about wellness, about your personal or professional growth, your work, or your relationships. Spirituality are beliefs, and these beliefs cannot be defined by anyone else but you.  

You may also notice, love is not listed as an element of the pie, essential to a successful relationship or marriage. After doing much research and interviewing hundreds of married couples, love was only mentioned ten times. If a relationship starts with good communication and leads to trust, respect and honesty, love should come naturally. Love is an emotion, not an element of a relationship. You cannot control your emotion of love, it is either present or not. You cannot force it, or think that over time it will develop; you will know when you are in love, in your heart, by your actions, and by how you think about the other person. Love can also manifest itself in many different forms, which can only be defined by each individual. 

As I break down each one of the eight elements, you will see how they all build on one another. You must have all eight elements present in some form to make and keep your pie spinning in harmony. 

Where to start

Once you have your Family Pie in place, it is rather easy to keep in in place.  The big question is where to start? When you begin a relationship and have The Family Pie from the beginning, the relationship already has a solid foundation. But what about a relationship that is in its second, fifth or tenth year? Easy. You have to start somewhere, and anytime you start, it is a new beginning.

Begin with both parties having a copy of The Family Pie in front of them. Read it. Read The Eight Elements below and understand what each element are, what they consists of, and what each one means to you. Below I will define and briefly discuss each element, but this is only a guide. The best part about The Family Pie is the ability to customize it for your relationship. Once you have both read what the eight elements are, each take a piece of blank paper and write out the eight elements, leaving room in between. Now, under each element, create two columns: Have and Need (or alternatively, utilize the My Eight Elements Worksheet provided). 

Without discussing with your partner, each of you write what you think you have in your relationship and what you think you are missing (under Have and Need columns). Under each of these columns, write a few words for each element. Do not simply mark “yes or no”, get detailed. For example, under Communication, if you Have this element, list “good, fair, strong, deep, family, kids”, etc. If you Need this element, list things like, “need deeper, more profound, work,”, or items that you want to communicate about that you currently do not. The point of this exercise is to help drive the relationship and allow you to focus on areas that may be missing. Give as much detail as possible, and be specific so that your partner can get a better understanding of what you are looking for. This will also allow you to let your partner know what they are doing well. Often times we criticize for what we are not getting, yet rarely praise for what we are getting; this exercise will provide both. Finally, as I mentioned above, the listing of the elements is merely a guide, so you should customize your list as to what you think Communication is, or what Intimacy or Trust is to you. In the space to the right of each element, write a few words on what you think it means. 

Optional: You may also rank your elements in order of importance. You will see a column to the right for this option if you so choose. This is not mandatory, but will allow you and your partner to see how important each of the elements is to you. 

You are now ready to put the Family Pie into practice. You have just created your foundation, your base in the relationship that you can now build on. In most situations, one partner cannot tell you what the other person needs, wants, or is currently getting out of the relationship. This takes the guess work out of it; you now have it right in front of you. Read your lists to each other and see what you learn. This is not meant to call others out on their short-comings, or to boast about what you are giving; rather, this is a way to better understand where your relationship is and where you want it to go. You can now begin to build or fill in the pieces of your own pie, and see what is missing in your relationship and what is flourishing.

The Eight Elements

Communication

           Communicate, communicate, communicate! Communication is the first element that must be established in order to build on the seven remaining elements. Communication must be the foundation in any relationship. It must be two-sided and open for both parties to achieve maximum success. Two people need to be able to communicate on the same level in order to be effective. One needs to communicate without sounding condescending to the other person. Good communication invites a conversation about something, eliciting or provoking a response. If this aspect is missing when you first meet someone, chances are, you will not want to spend any more of your time or energy for nothing in return. With communication, you build trust and respect, and with this you learn of one’s honesty and gain their emotional support. From there you have the desire to be intimate, and begin to have a greater sense of self-worth. Lastly, you and your partner will share mutual interests. You can build a lifetime of memories just from a little communication. 

           I cannot tell you how important good communication is. Communication not only benefits a relationship, but also every facet of one’s life. Communication is the foundation of life, if you will. You use communication in everything you do, have done so since you were born, and will continue to do so until you die. Communication comes in two forms: verbal and non-verbal. There is also a distinction between communication and effective communication, and unfortunately not all of us are blessed with effective communication skills. Verbal and non-verbal communication are equally important. When you walk by someone on the street and nod your head at them, you are providing non-verbal communication. It is the same as verbally saying “hello” to that person. Similarly, on a baseball team, the pitcher and catcher are “talking” to each other the entire game, but no one can hear them, the catcher giving signs to the pitcher, and the pitcher nodding his head in response. This is effective non-verbal communication. 

When trying to reason with a 6-year-old in the middle of a busy mall, standing in the toy aisle as he is pointing at and grabbing every toy, a parent’s effective verbal communication skills need to be at their best. A good communicator might get down to the child’s level, and in a calm and monotone voice to talk about the toy with the child. One might discuss the upcoming holidays or birthday that might be right around the corner, or plan to make a reward chart for good grades or good behavior to earn that toy. Or one could just look down at the child and in a stern and deep voice, simply say “NO!” While this might be a form of communication, it might not be considered effective communication. Know your audience. If your child responds well to short, direct communication, then that is what you will use. If your child tends to let out loud, ear piercing screams when you tell him “no”, try a different approach. The same logic of knowing your audience or knowing your partner should be applied to your relationship. When you get to know someone, you learn how they like to communicate and you can tailor your responses accordingly. Know your audience! 

           There is no absolute right or wrong way to communicate, barring just sitting there saying nothing with a blank stare on your face. There are many ways to communicate, and this is what often makes it so difficult for two people to begin a courtship. Two people must hit it off from the first words out of their mouth. The first words spoken are a defining moment in any relationship. Ask someone what she said last month to her spouse and the response will be a shoulder shrug and a shake of the head, with her eyes looking up, meaning “I have no idea”. Now ask that same person what her partner’s first words were to her when they met. Most people remember this first encounter like it was imprinted in their mind. When you consider all the relationships that don’t succeed, you can usually point to one main contributing factor: lack of effective communication.

Every partnership begins here. When two people meet for the first time, they have to communicate with each other, either verbally or non-verbally. If you can master the skills of communication, you will have conquered the largest hurdle in any relationship and mastered the first element of your pie.

Trust

           Once communication has been established, trust will come effortlessly. Trust cannot be taught or learned, but must be earned. Trust in a relationship is as important as effective communication. Trust is the basic principle that allows a relationship to grow. Unlike communication, trust is something that comes with time. You meet someone for the first time, and you may communicate well. You may not even have to work at it, it just comes naturally. You may feel comfortable talking to this person; but trust, this is different. You cannot possibly trust this person yet, having just met them. 

           A bond of trust between two people has no outside influences, but is generated from a feeling from deep within (as discussed later, trust can be influenced by past relationships, but in any new relationship, you have to be willing to let go of the past and be willing to learn from those painful past experiences). When you trust someone, you will not wonder where they are or what they are doing. You do not question their motives or other relationships, including those with the other gender. Once trust has been established by both parties in the relationship, the other elements will continue to build on that bond of trust.   

Trust is something that should be discussed often. Trust, like honesty, is not only established from how you communicate, but is an element that most relationships can never get back if lost. Once the bond of trust is broken, to truly regain it is somewhat of a miracle. It is not impossible, but extremely difficult. Once a person in the relationship breaks the other’s trust, a line has been crossed as if it was carved in stone. Trust is one element that is taken for granted more often than not. We do not often discuss our trust with our partner because it is an earned right. When the trust is broken, there will always be a hint of hesitation, or a question that lurks in the back of your mind. No matter how much you talk about or deal with the issue that broke the trust in the first place, that initial formation of trust will be forever gone; the apple has been taken from the tree and eaten from. A relationship can survive on limited trust, but there will be a void in the pie from this point forward. Trust is one of the elements that you do not want to lose.

For many people, trust is the greatest element of the pie. I am not a believer of the idea that a child who watches his father beat his mother will inevitably beat his own wife because this is what he learned as a child. Or that a boy who watches his alcoholic mother drink throughout the day will become an alcoholic. I am a strong believer that strong people will overcome these childhood issues, or even past relationship trust issues, and become who they want to be or who they can be. I grew up watching my mother drink all hours of the day. I grew up watching my brother put more than enough toxins into his body to kill a horse.  But that is not what I became. I learned from these situations, and knew exactly what I did not want to become. Everyone can trust, even if they learned not to earlier in life. You can overcome your childhood pains, and set and achieve better goals for yourself.  

Not only is trust something you can only earn over time, it is also one of the few elements that truly exposes who you are. To trust someone is to open yourself up to the world, even if there are only two people in your world. You must open your heart and allow your partner to see through it to completely fulfill your element of trust. You must allow those walls to be penetrated. Trust is putting who you are and everything you have in someone else’s hands. Anyone can learn to communicate, but trust is granting someone else entry into your soul. This can be painful, based on your past experiences, but can also be one of the most rewarding attributes of a relationship. Leaving oneself open for hurt is a risk in life that must be taken to have a successful relationship and a truly satisfying life. Trust is possibly one of the hardest elements to achieve, but the easiest to lose. As mentioned above, you must first have good communication in order for the other elements to follow. Without communication, you will never have the trust needed to sustain a relationship.

Honesty

           Honesty is like being pregnant, you either are or you are not. My ex-wife’s grandmother was the most honest person I have ever met, and she classified being honest by the above saying, “like being pregnant.” Honesty could not be simpler than those 12 little words. There is no middle ground or questioning one’s honesty, and there is no gray area. Honesty is a sense of self-importance. People who are not honest, you will find, do not respect who they are or what they have become. Covering up one’s actions or lying are characteristics of being dishonest. If you are honest in all that you do, you will feel good about yourself and will never have to think about what is right or wrong. 

           Honesty between two people can only be accomplished through communication, and through communication they will be able gain trust and respect. You tend to respect and trust those you feel are being honest. Communication and actions are the only ways to achieve honesty. Being honest means showing integrity in everything one does. You can get a pretty good sense of one’s honesty simply by communicating with him. Most people have good intuition about someone’s honesty from the first moment they talk. Honesty is an element that if lost, will be that much harder to regain, similar to trust. 

I have found that honesty is a direct result of your happiness in life. For those people who are truly happy in what they do for a living and enjoy who they are as a person, being honest comes naturally. One may think that honesty should be something you don’t have to think about, but each of us is presented with a multitude of opportunities to break this pattern. It is those who are content in their life who do not have to think about it. Honesty is never a question or an event, it is a way of life. Honesty is an element that can be witnessed simply by observation. Without hearing a single word, you can determine if someone is honest by watching what they do. When completing the family pie worksheet, talk about honesty. You can even use what you have observed in your partner as a way to determine how you feel about their honesty. 

Respect

           Respect and trust are two of the three elements that are time-sensitive (honestly is the third). You learn to respect people once you gain insight as to who they are and what they stand for. You learn this over time by their actions. Trust and respect are closely related, but should not be thought of as one and the same. Respect is gained through a series of events over time. The way you treat others, talk to others, or act towards others shows your level of respect. In return, you will be respected in the same way you show your own respect. This is where trust plays into respect: it is not possible to respect someone whom you do not trust. 

Think of The Family Pie as distinct elements that build on each other. This is particularly true for these two elements, trust and respect. If you think about past relationships, have you ever trusted someone whom you did not respect? Can you respect a person if you cannot trust them? The answer should be “no”.  Now think of your current relationship. There should be obvious trust and respect, otherwise why are you with that person? Do they respect you, just as you show them respect? You may have to think about this before you answer, and that is alright. That is how you know if respect is something you need to work on in your relationship. This would be a good time, then, to have a conversation around respect, if you feel you are not getting that in your current relationship. 

           To respect someone, you must get a deeper understanding of who they are and where they came from. Get to know that person, ask questions: how did they get here; why are they here, and where do they want to go? You may also want to find out how they will get there; this will tell you a lot about the person. The more you know about someone, the more you respect them, or alternatively, find out that you don’t. You have to know someone in order to truly respect them. With respect and trust comes responsibility. Taking responsibility and admitting when you are wrong is a very difficult thing to do, but one that is necessary for longevity in any relationship, and it is necessary to gain respect.  You can also earn or gain respect not by what you say but by what you do and how you do it. You can respect a person simply by watching them.

Emotional Support

           Emotional support, for some, is one of the hardest elements to give and receive and can only be accomplished with effective communication. This does not mean verbal communication, but effective communication. As the foundation of your relationship grows, your need for emotional support becomes stronger because your needs become greater. You may be asking yourself “what does this really mean?” In every relationship, you go through times of need: sadness, happiness, times of being worried, scared, nervous or even unsure about how to handle certain situations. This is where emotional support can present itself in many different ways. This is also an element that you should just feel without having to ask if your partner is in need of emotional support. 

           Have you had to deal with a death of a parent, loss of a job, getting a promotion, passing a class, or having to prepare for a work presentation? It is during these times when you are in need of that emotional support from your partner. You may need for that person to just sit and hold you, talk to you, grab your hand and look into your eyes, take you out to dinner, or provide you some guidance. Or, if you need to provide this support, do you know when your partner is struggling without them having to tell you?   

To provide true emotional support, a deep emotional connection must be established. You need to know what your partner is feeling without them having to tell you. You need to be in tune with every emotion they are feeling. This can only be done once you have mastered the art of communication and have gained their trust and respect. A deep emotional connection is one that is established over time, then presents itself without effort. When you are able to provide true emotional support for the person you love, you will know that person almost as well as they know themselves. You will be able to look into their eyes and see pain, or read their body language and know they are in need of some answers or support. In turn, if you are feeling the need for this support, that person is there for you. Of all the elements, emotional support is the one that is most ambiguous. 

The spectrum of emotional support can stretch from the need to hold your partner’s hand or just rub their shoulder, to the need for them to discuss what is bothering them, to the need to have a deep and meaningful emotional connection. As with trust, you must be willing to open your heart to someone. You must be willing to take the risk of leaving yourself exposed in order to achieve this mostly undefined element. 

Intimacy

           Intimacy can mean a variety of things, and intimacy is different to every single person. As the relationship grows, intimacy will be felt deep within your heart. You will feel the desire and need to kiss your partner, hold their hand, or lay with them on the couch while watching a movie. Intimacy is not only a feeling, but a desire. You cannot force someone to be intimate with you. This element might be present from the moment you meet, or it might present itself after you have mastered other elements of the pie. Intimacy, like emotional support, can only be defined by the person. The worksheet that you completed will help you answer and provide answers to this element. Do you know when your partner wants you to hold their hand?  Do you know what look in their eyes means they want you to kiss them? The desire should be two-sided and the feeling mutual. 

     Intimacy makes both parties feel important to one another, and gives a sense of pride and security to the relationship. A shared intimate relationship is one that grows and is evident to those around you. You should not hold back or hide your feelings of intimacy for someone. You should feel a need to express them, no matter where you are or who you are with. Intimacy is partially a learned behavior. By getting to know your partner, you know what they like or what turns them on. You know if they like to hold hands, or kiss with passion, if they like to have their back scratched before bed, or feet rubbed in the morning.  Intimacy can be a note left on their nightstand just telling them you are thinking of them. Intimacy can be having dinner by candlelight in the middle of your kitchen. Intimacy can be lying in bed until noon on Saturday with your partner as their head lies quietly on your chest. Intimacy can be making love for hours. Or intimacy can mean saying nothing at all and still feeling that connection.

There is no right or wrong way to be intimate. This is defined by the relationship. You should share with your partner what you like or dislike. Use your words to tell them what you want or ask them what they want. If one person needs to be kissed four times a day to satisfy their needs of intimacy, then their partner needs to first know that and then follow through. On the other hand, if your partner only needs to have their hand held to satisfy their intimacy, then that role too must be filled. Intimacy is one of those elements that comes from within. It is very difficult to fake intimacy with someone. 

Intimacy also could mean having sexual encounters. Sex is a basic human desire that must be met. But sex is not just sex when it is between two people who love each other. Having a meaningful sexual relationship means being very emotionally connected. In this act, two people cannot be closer. It is sharing something that goes beyond male and female, deeper than a feeling, and stronger than an emotion. Intimate sex is crossing over into another world. During the act, you should be at a place that is higher than both of you, yet you should be at the same place. The feeling of having sex is a wonderful experience and one that should not be taken lightly. To give yourself to someone as you look into her eyes, there has to be a connection that is between two people who truly love each other. People have sex every day, meaningless and for the pure physical satisfaction, but that is not what I am discussing here. 

     Intimate sex means taking the relationship to the highest level two people can achieve with one another. To share that experience is something that should involve your whole being. Two people need to talk about it, share it, and be able to have fun with it. It should be taken seriously, but fun at the same time. When I say talk about it, I mean really talk about it. What turns them on, what they like, how they like it, when they like it. There is nothing you cannot discuss and should be discussing this on a regular basis. To keep your sex life alive and well, you will need to make changes as your relationship matures. The only way to know the answers to these questions are to openly talk about them. A relationship with a strong and viable sex life is one that will come together, naturally. It is not something to be ashamed of or hidden, especially from your children, if you have them. I am not talking about the act of sex, but the emotions that go along with the act. It is healthy to have your children watch you kiss and be affectionate with your partner. To show your emotions “on your sleeve” is something that your children need to see. This is the only way they can learn to express themselves to the one they will fall in love with later in life. 

    Sex in a relationship is, for some, the ultimate entry into one’s soul. You are giving your love, your trust, your emotions, your life to that other person. Two people having sex are both trying to achieve that next level. You are expressing yourself in a physical emotional way that has the potential of creating another life. There is nothing more satisfying or gratifying than both partners reaching that level of ecstasy, and being able to share it. You are making your relationship that much stronger with sex, or intense and passionate intimacy. As I have said before, each element builds on one another. If two people share the bond of trust, honesty, communication, and intimacy, the natural expression is to share their bodies with one another. You should get sheer pleasure out of the fact that your partner is being pleased. It takes two connected people to embrace each other and get as close as they possibly can, through the act and progression of a satisfying sex life. To have sex with someone you love is so different than just having sex to pleasure yourself. Your emotions are off the scale of emotional range, and your body reacts to those intense feelings. You are putting yourself in a supernatural state, so much higher than you actually know. The universe pales in comparison to two people who are in love with each other and are willing to open themselves up to the other person. You are inviting them into your world, one that is so much more than just the outcome of the sexual act. 

Self-Worth

Self-worth is the belief you have about yourself and how you value yourself. This is one of the few elements from the family pie that you can control and that can control you. Your relationship can add to your sense of self-worth, but you must be able to believe in yourself first before someone else can. This can be titled as pride, confidence, or being secure about yourself and where you are in life. 

In most cases, a feeling of self-worth is proportional to how much one is going to give in a relationship. If you are comfortable with who you are, you may have a high self-worth. It is this feeling that you can channel into your relationship to help make your partner have the same self-worth. How you treat the other and what you say to them can contribute to their self-worth. Making motivational or supportive comments to your partner can give them confidence in who they are or what they are going to do. You can help others build their own self-worth, but it is only them who can believe in their own self-worth. 

While this element can have a negative connotation, e.g., one being too self-confident or arrogant, it is important to note that the more you know someone, the better you may understand their feelings of self-worth.  Self-worth can lead to a more successful job, which can lead to a greater appreciation in life, which can thus lead to a more rewarding relationship, particularly if you feel you are getting everything out of a relationship that you are putting into it. 

Your partner can influence your sense of self-worth, but it has to start with you and how you feel about yourself. There are things that your partner can do to increase or decrease your self-worth, but this element is based on your own confidence, pride, and belief in yourself. This element also has a history. Your own history can greatly influence how you complete this section of the worksheet. At this point, I would like to remind you that the history is in the past, and in order for you to give your current relationship a chance, you have to start fresh. Erase all those negative feelings of self-worth, if they are in there, and wash them away! If you have ever wanted to feel appreciated in a relationship, now is the time to put it in writing and give yourself that new beginning.  

Mutual Interests

Mutual interests are defined as things you enjoy doing with someone else. Depending on where you are in life, these can change, and in a relationship they are always changing. You come together because of a mutual interest in each other. As you get to know the other person, these interests will change and grow with a relationship. In every relationship, there must be things or events that you do together. If there are children in the relationship, some of these interests should of course involve them. There can also be a mutual interest of letting that person do something alone, if that is their desire. 

A mutual interest can be enjoying the same kind of movies, going to a particular restaurant or bar, or just sitting on the couch at home watching television. There should always be a balance of activities that you do with your children, if you have them, and those you do without them. For a relationship to grow, you must have interests that you do just as a couple. This is not to say that friends or family cannot be a part of these mutual interests, but sooner or later, every relationship ultimately ends up with just two people. If you build a relationship around others like family, friends or children, when the time comes where it is just the two of you, you will find that your relationship has a gap or that your pie may begin to spin a little off balance. Often, couples create their relationships around family and friends, and when those family or friends are gone, there is nothing left. You must build your family and friends around YOUR relationship.

Although mutual interests is the last element of the family pie, it is just as important as the preceding 7 elements. This is the element that is commonly forgotten, or the one that is given the least amount of attention. Do not forget the importance of mutual interests. Having something in common is what brought you together in the first place, and over time this is lost if not attended to. Make time in your relationship to do things together. Even if it is for an hour each day, talking over lunch or sharing the day’s events at bedtime, it is the one element that will help your sanity in this ever-changing, fast-paced world in which we live. 

Conclusion

     You have just taken the first step to a more fulfilling, thriving, and rewarding relationship. I recommend completing this exercise at least once a year to revisit your elements with each other. You should have your Family Pie with you at work and at home, and look at it every day; but as with everything in life, things change and so does the amount of what you need for each element. The eight basic elements should always be present, but how and what you need to satisfy those elements can change often. Don’t lose sight of the relationship and don’t lose sight of each other.

     Love is an amazing thing, and once you have found it, you will need to work to keep it. Never stop loving that person who makes your heart go pitter patter.