The Family Mirror of Addiction

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The Family Mirror of Addiction

Written from the experience and observations of Rhett Crull, Certified Addiction Interventionist

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We have come to realize that alcoholics/addicts and codependents are often a mirror image of each other in many ways. The behaviors an addict displays are quite often reflected in the codependent. Feelings of hopelessness, despair, and paranoia can be felt by both parties. Addicts will lie, cheat, and steal in their addictive state- so will the codependent.?Codependents will lie about their loved?one’s problem or deny it even exists, because they don’t want to believe how much of a problem their loved one has. They may cheat other family members or friends out of their time, and their energy is consumed by their addict. They will steal time from themselves and others due to the addict’s crisis of the moment.

The addict is dishonest with him/herself and with others- so are the codependents. The addict’s life is unmanageable and exhausting- so is the codependents.?The addict places all of their time and energy in staying comfortable – the codependent’s job has become keeping the addict comfortable.

The addict tries to control their addiction while the codependent tries to control the addict. Neither is successful. The codependent will eventually hit their bottom when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. The addict will hopefully hit their bottom before a legal emergency, medical emergency, or worse.

In order to see the mirror relationship between the alcoholic/codependent, the following areas need to be explained.

??????Self-centered fear

??????Consequences and boundaries

??????Solutions

??????The Journey

Self-Centered Fear:

Self-centered fear controls both the alcoholic as well as the codependent. It is where most of their actions come from, because they are rooted in self-centered fear. They are mirror images. It seems to be that the word “self” can cause problems in both the alcoholic and codependents’ lives. Traits such as self-centeredness, selfishness, self-pity, self- awareness, self-destructive, and self-preservation are all interwoven most especially in how we defined self-centered fear.

Self-centered fear as we would define it is the fear of:

Not Getting What We Want:

??????Alcoholics/Addicts: fear that they’re not going to get what they want, which is to be comfortable, to drink and use what they want, to come and go as they please. They fear not getting the job they want, promotions, material things, or getting their way.?

??????Codependents: fear not getting what they want. They want a sober and present person. They want their loved one to be reliable, trustworthy, and honest instead of a constant source of anxiety and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The codependent gets none of the peace of mind they long for.

Someone Taking Something From Us:

??????Alcoholic/Addicts: fear something will be taken from them which has a wide range-independence, control, money/income, drugs/alcohol, sex, a job/position at job, and the unrealistic right to make their own decisions. Taking those away (or the thought of it)?can cause the alcoholic to become angry out of selfishness and self-centeredness, which is the root of their disease.

??????Codependents: have the same fears. The fear of their loved ones being taken from them. They fear losing time with their loved one. They fear the loss of a loving relationship with a deeper connection.?The codependent fears losing the percentage of control they had or thought they had in the relationship with the alcoholic. They fear possibly even death of their loved one.

Expectations From Others:

??????Alcoholics/Addicts: fear they’re not living up to the expectations they think others have of them which can start very early in one’s life. These may include not living up to the expectations of parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, employers, coworkers, teachers, etc.?Although in some cases expectations are there from these sources, in many situations, they are not. The alcoholic places more weight on others’ expectations than they should. This can cause the alcoholic to feel less than or not comfortable in their own skin. These feelings can affect all aspects of their lives: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. The alcoholic’s solution tends to end up being alcohol/drugs for the comfort they seek that they seem to never have had before.

??????Codependents: fear they're not living up to the expectations of others. The lack of control they don’t seem to have over the alcoholic because they are not living up to the expectations others have in dealing with their alcoholic loved one. Parents of an alcoholic son/daughter may feel other family members believe the parents should somehow have the answers/solutions to their loved one’s problem and take appropriate action immediately. They may be spurred forward by what they think all others would have them do to “fix” the problem.?It seems that all the action taken is out of love, but in most cases, it is misguided at best.?The codependent expects their “help”, which is really “enabling”, should be working toward positive outcomes. The codependent does not get the outcome they expected. Their efforts do not make things better no matter how hard they try. A lot of the actions taken are similar in nature with an expectation of a different outcome, which never really happens. Doing the same things and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

Expectations From Ourselves:

??????Alcoholics/Addicts: fears not living up to the expectations they have for themselves when looking in the mirror. They know they are not doing what is expected as a good son/daughter, husband/wife, parent, friend, employer/employee, etc. This causes guilt, shame, and remorse which can lead to self-medicating in order to deal with these emotions and feelings. It’s not a moral issue, rather they are sick.

??????Codependents: appears to be the same except in order to deal with their guilt, shame, and remorse they become physically and mentally exhausted. They are angry, exhausted and spiritually bankrupted. It seems like unrealistic expectations can lead to anger, fear, resentments, and victimization. Victims never recover. Unmet expectations can often lead to self-pity as well.

After discovering the mirror or parallels of the alcoholic/codependent, we get insight and understanding of where the thoughts came from that led to the actions both sides have taken. Actions can cause problems and actions cannot create solutions if there is no awareness of where the feelings and emotions are coming from. Often actions will cause problems for both the alcoholic/addict, if there is no knowledge of where the feelings originated which is self-centered fear being the taproot.

On the contrary, when honesty, open mindedness, and willingness are applied to the realistic situation the alcoholic and codependent find themselves in, it is then that the self-centered fear is no longer in control. The actions the alcoholic and codependent take are a direct result of how self-centered fear is controlling and sabotaging their ability to seek a physical, emotionally sober, and spiritual life. It is nearly impossible in our experience to be clear headed, emotionally fit, and spiritually sound when our lives are being run by self-centered fear.

Boundaries and Consequences:

When it comes to boundaries, the alcoholic/addict generally have few and consequences do not seem to matter. Codependents have no boundaries or consequences either.?Nothing seems to stop causing them to do what they are doing. The alcoholic drinks and uses with no boundaries or thinking or caring about the consequences. The alcoholic can have little regard of how their behavior is affecting their loved one’s lives. They may even take their addiction to the gates of insanity or even death.

The codependent uses love, money, time and effort with no boundaries or thinking about what the consequences are. Both the alcoholic and the codependent will endure the consequences and?pay for them spiritually, physically, emotionally, or monetarily.?

Solutions:

Just as the alcoholic/addict/codependent share the same problems, they also share the same solutions. The solutions of the alcoholic and codependent are a reflection of one another. Just as the alcoholic needs to admit that they have a problem and seek some type of help, so does the codependent. For the alcoholic it can be detox, impatient treatment, intensive outpatient, or some type of twelve step program that involves meetings, a sponsor, reading literature, service work, talking to or helping another alcoholic can be solutions for the alcoholic. The codependent also needs to work a program. This too should involve going to meetings, talking to other codependents, and reading literature which can also be a part of the solution for the codependent. Failure to do the above steps can and will in most cases lead the alcoholic to relapse into active alcoholism and/or drug addiction and may also?cause the codependent to relapse as well. Both parties may go back to past ways of thinking and acting which can cause both parties to revert back to living in the problem rather than being aware of and living in the solution.

The Journey:

It is important to note the journey into and throughout recovery is completely up to the individual (alcoholic/addict). The journey is theirs alone to take. The family and loved ones of the alcoholic/addict cannot do it for them. The alcoholic/addict has to take the action themselves.

The codependent’s recovery should not depend on their addicted loved one ither. The state of sobriety or lack of sobriety should not determine the codependent’s personal recovery. It is their journey to take. If the codependent is working their program, they should be able to get through whatever the alcoholic does.

Conclusion:

Understanding how the alcoholic/codependent are a mirror reflection of one another can be beneficial to understanding that addiction is a family disease. Addiction does not affect the addict alone. The disease takes hostages of all of?the addict’s loved ones. Understanding the parallels and relationships that exist between the alcoholic/codependent can help lead to the solution, which is to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body. The codependent should understand that they too are unhealthy because of their loved one’s disease. Both parties need to engage in the steps to recovery if they wish to lead healthy and spiritually sound lives.?