Family Conflicts about Aging Parents’ Powers of Attorney: Can Mediation or Conflict Coaching Help?

It’s February, the month of Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate love. In addition to our romantic partners, parents, siblings, and children tend to be our closest loved ones. If our parents are getting on in years, they may ask us to show our care for them by serving as their Powers of Attorney (POA) for the Estate (Finances) and/or the Person (Health). Unfortunately, putting our love into action in that way can cause tensions with other family members. Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:

1)???? Years ago, a single aging brother assigned his younger sister to serve as his dual POA. Once he started having trouble managing his life on his own, she made arrangements for him to live near her and managed all his care needs. As is common under these circumstances, her efforts caused tensions between the siblings, because the brother was demanding his independence instead of appreciating his sister’s efforts. Their relationship deteriorated to the point that he asked his daughter to become his dual POA instead. Although he already showed signs of cognitive impairment, his attorney made the requested change of POAs. As a result, the daughter moved her father closer to her residence, a couple of hours away from his sister. While her dad’s dementia and care needs continued to increase, his longing for independence remained strong, causing the same kind of tensions between father and daughter as he had experienced with his sister before. In addition, the daughter’s relationship with her aunt has degenerated, because she was upset about her niece replacing her as POA and caregiver. Feeling overwhelmed, hurt, and hopeless about how to move forward, the daughter reached out to me for help.?

In my individual conversations with each of them, I’ve learned that both the sister and the daughter genuinely care about the man who needs their support. They quickly agreed to participate in mediation, in order to search for a plan for his housing, finances and care that allows them to work together collaboratively to support his well-being. We’ve already planned a joint meeting at the current residence of the bother/dad, so he can be present for as much of the meeting as he likes and make sure that his wishes are heard and understood.? Given the strong bonds between the three family members, I feel optimistic that we’ll find a path forward that makes life easier for everyone involved.?

2)???? Another daughter of an aging mother recently contacted me, because her sister is upset about her plans to move their mother from her current assisted living community to memory care. After talking to both of them, I learned that the younger sister has been angry with the older one for a few years, after she found out that their mother had given dual POAs to her “big sister”. Since the siblings never were close, the older one wasn’t even aware of the reason for her “little sister’s” animosity, nor did she know that her mother had not told her younger child about her decision to assign the older one as her sole POA. Now the older sister wants to include the younger one in decisions regarding their mom’s future and asked her to participate in mediation. However, the latter declined the invitation, asking that the two of them try to work things out without “a professional” first. The older one is willing to give it a try, but has planned a series of Conflict Coaching sessions with me first, to prepare for what she expects to be some difficult conversations.? I’m looking forward to supporting her on her journey to collaborate with her sister in their mother’s best interest.?

Are you or a friend, colleague or client struggling with family conflicts about POAs for an aging loved one? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail [email protected], so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation or Conflict Coaching can help them find a way to collaborate and restore family peace and harmony. ?

Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach

AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830

E-Mail: [email protected], Web: www.aginginharmony.com

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