Family Celebrations and Divorce

Family celebrations can feel like a nightmare when you are getting divorced. Instead of feeling happy and excited for the event, the anticipation of seeing and/or dealing with an ex can feel stressful, awkward and? uncomfortable. So instead of looking forward to what should be a happy occasion, you find yourself dreading it. Here are some examples of family celebrations that might stress you out:

• Your child is having his/her holy communion, Bar Mitzvah, or some other religious passage.
• Your child is getting married.
• Your child is having a baby.
• It’s your child’s 16th birthday, or 18th birthday or 21st birthday.
• Your child is graduating high school or college.

Even family celebrations as simple as a little kid’s birthday party can make you so stressed it’s hard to think about anything else. What a shame, isn’t it?

Furthermore, what if you have to plan the event together? What if there are decisions to be made about venues and flowers and cakes? Now you don’t just have to see each other at the event, you might have to interact several times a week to plan it!

If the divorcing or divorced couple has a not-so-great relationship, and possibly feelings of anger, bitterness or resentment towards one another, one of these upcoming events can cause fear, anxiety, sadness and other difficult feelings for one or both of the divorced people. It’s a lot of pressure and it isn’t easy for most divorced people.

I do have experience in dealing with family celebrations during and after divorce.

Here are 10 things to tell yourself before and during a family celebration if you have a moment of weakness, and if you are feeling insecure or bad in any way:

• Today is my son/daughter’s day. I am going to relish in the happiness and not focus on the past.
• Everyone here is focused on my child, not my divorce.
• If my ex in-laws choose to be rude or cold to me, I will not let it bother me. That is their choice and they will have to live with their bitterness. I don’t, which is why I am going to be me, and be my kind self, no matter what.
• Regardless of all his/her issues, my ex loves our child.
• I look beautiful, I am beautiful and I am going to stand tall with grace and dignity.
• I am going to grit my teeth (during the planning) and every decision I make will be made with my child’s best interest at heart.
• I would never make a scene because that would hurt my child.
• I will not drink too much because that might cause more emotion and drama.
• I feel immense gratitude for the day and nothing else, not even if my ex left me for the woman he is here with today, along with their new baby.
• I will have fun no matter what, because celebrations are precious and we should take our joy and happiness to the fullest.

Here’s the thing. When you get divorced and you have kids, you are “stuck” with your ex pretty much forever, provided your kids have children of their own. With celebrations that go from little kid birthday parties to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to confirmations to engagement parties to showers to weddings and to events celebrating the births of their children, there is no doubt you will see your ex. How you choose to handle things is up to you. You can bring in bitterness and hostility, or you can forget about the past, be kind and courteous, and focus on the celebration going on during the present.

Several years ago at my son’s Bar Mitzvah, I personally found myself very emotional (in a good way) and as strange as it seems, I felt like my ex and his family were still family (even though not one of them even said hi to me). But, I was kind and polite, I included them in speeches, and I just kept thinking of how happy my son was that they were there.

If you and your ex are in a really bad place and it seems like you are arch rivals, think of a family celebration as a time out, a day when the two of you are on the same team, rooting for your teammate—your kid.

But, if you can find it in your heart and manage to throw some rice or give a speech together for ONE DAY, you are not only doing something great for your children, you will find that YOU have a better time, and you will feel gratitude and really be able to engage in the pleasure and elation of the occasion.