Familosophy v5#8 - Aug 2022

Seeking Empathy

I have a lot of empathy for Tom Brady. While not in his 'league' on several fronts, I can fully appreciate his exasperation at the challenges of teaching children with wealth to understand "the real world". Anyone facing these and similar challenges deserves to be taken seriously, and to get the support and empathy they need to deal with the issues.

There's just one small catch.

People who don't have or genuinely understand the experience of living with significant wealth (i.e. 99.9%+ of the population) are not only unlikely to be able to provide empathy and support, but may actually respond with the very opposite.

This is what happened to Brady when he stated in a podcast interview that bringing up his children amid great wealth was "probably the hardest thing for us as parents".

There are two perspectives of living with wealth: outsider and insider. To outsiders, wealth is viewed as a panacea that will instantly solve all problems. The insider knows this is not the case. The only place insiders can get support and empathy is from other insiders.

The popularity of TV shows like?Succession?is that they show that wealthy families suffer from the same family dynamics challenges as others: jealousy, rivalry, favouritism. They are just played out with much higher stakes.

Family members need two things: insider networks to provide support, and an understanding of what can and cannot be shared with outsiders.

Consider This:?How do members of your family deal with the assumptions and judgments of outsiders? What peer networks do they rely on to provide support?

Further reading:?https://www.newsweek.com/tom-brady-mocked-wealth-hardest-thing-parenting-1724887,?https://www.irishnews.com/lifestyle/familyandparenting/2021/10/26/news/five-ways-to-be-a-parenting-boss---and-run-your-family-like-a-business-2482106/,?https://www.moms.com/20-baby-boomer-parenting-tactics-that-millennial-moms-are-finally-ditching/,?https://www.mamamia.com.au/worst-generation-of-parents/,?https://vulcanpost.com/585663/millennial-parenting-discipline-mistakes/

Until They Divorce?

You join a family through birth or marriage, and leave it through death or divorce. But if by divorce, it may not be possible to fully "leave", and the process itself can be traumatic for a wide stakeholder group.

A significant focus of estate planning for families is about ensuring that the family assets are "protected" in the event of a divorce. But how about the time until a couple divorces, i.e. the time they are actually married? That time is anything from a day until forever, and yet so much about marriage and married-ins in wealthy families is fixated on a possible future scenario.

As much as we want to engineer a "clean separation" in the case of a divorce, we should seek to facilitate a "clean togetherness" for the duration of the marriage. Children-in-law share a bed with our children, and are the parents of (and pass genetic material to) our grandchildren. Even if they are not allowed "at the table" for family meetings, they are often there by proxy.

The challenge is to frame family policies that relate to marriage in positive terms. The role of in-law children can be an opportunity, not just a risk. If only viewed as a risk, that can be a missed opportunity.

Remember: families start with a partnership of two (who themselves come from different families).

Consider This:?How are your family's policies regarding marriage framed? How are your feelings about married-ins influenced by yours or the family's previous experience with divorce? Are married-ins ever told "you can't do [X] because you might divorce?"

Original articles:?https://spearswms.com/new-generation-family-lawyers-hnw-divorce/,?https://www.wealthprofessional.ca/news/industry-news/saving-family-businesses-from-divorce-during-covid-19/335407,?https://www.ft.com/content/d38ab97b-0abf-4624-8063-80bc48599aa3