False Empathy - What It Is And How To Avoid (And Combat) It

I'm going through a certification course focused on Emotional Intelligence.

One of the topics we have covered is "Empathy".

We often talk about how important it is, and it truly is significantly important to the success of a Leader.

However, there is also a dark side to Empathy that I think we should be aware of that often isn't talked about.

These were the definitions of Empathy that were given:

• Feeling what another person feels
• Understanding another person's perspective or mental state
• Feeling within oneself the range of emotion, the joy and pain, experienced by another person
• Identifying with another person's point of view or perspective

Now, I think there should be a huge difference between "understanding feelings" and "sharing feelings" which should warrant two different definitions (which I've heard as Empathy vs. Sympathy before), but that is not what I'm going to get at today.

I simply give these definitions as they were given to me to help give perspective to put us on the same page.

Instead, I think we need to be extremely wary of what I am calling "False Empathy".

What Is False Empathy?

The definition of Empathy above can help us understand a simple picture of what False Empathy is.

Imagine that someone tells you about how they were wronged in some way, or about the challenges they are facing in life...

• Money Challenges
• Stress From Work
• Relationship Problems
• Declining Health

There's a whole longer list that would be far too long for this article about the many atrocities that occur in life.

As you hear about the story, you understand the other person.

What they are telling you is truly tragic, it moves you.

You try to imagine how they must be feeling at that moment.

You feel for them and want to do what you are able to make them feel better.

You not only Identify with their challenges but feelings of your own surface from your own experiences.

You now choose to go out of your way to try to help that person.

However, what you haven't realized is that the story they told you was entirely false.

They created that story because they knew it would create these types of feelings and would drive you to do what they wanted from you.

It was all a manipulation.

You have just fallen prey to False Empathy.

It is also very common, I have fallen to it more than once in my life.

However, there are ways to go about discovering and avoiding this.

How To Discover and Avoid False Empathy

There are a few different ways to discover False Empathy.

Start by paying attention to whether the person is an Exemplar.

When people are really going through things worthy of Empathy, there will be signs of it in how their behavior occurs.

Our words can lie, but our actions will always reveal the truth, eventually.

Pay attention to people's behaviors, and trust the behaviors more than their words.

We can also train our HRV and more specifically learn how Neurocardiology plays out between two people.

Some would call it intuition, but it is actually a scientific occurrence that happens based on the electromagnetic waves that occur between the Neurons inside our hearts.

You can actually scientifically track this, improve it, and learn to understand what different signals occur and what they mean.

Essentially, with training, you can detect BS through these methods.

Along with these, you can also do simple fact-checking.

When people attempt to draw you into False Empathy, they have to create certain facts to tell their story.

You can always do some homework to see if the facts are true.

This is much like how a detective works.

You can either do this by getting the person to re-tell the story to see if there are inconsistencies that occur, or you can check with the other sources that are mentioned within their facts.

The more you do this, the faster the truth can be revealed.

A Final Ingredient To Aid You As A Leader In Combatting False Empathy

Now, this is what will be the distinguishing factor between you being in a position of Leadership, and you working to become a Legendary Leader:

What do you do after you discover False Empathy?

Most people will lash out and cause pain around them.

As a Leader, doing this will only cause you further problems.

Just because "you" have discovered False Empathy, doesn't mean others have.

If you lash out and cause pain to the person attempting to lure you into False Empathy, well you've fallen prey to the second part of their trap.

You may not have fallen into the lie, but it is likely others have.

Since others have fallen prey to False Empathy, you now look like an extreme jerk who has just made things worse for this "poor individual".

Now, you have resentment from everyone else.

This will lead to them questioning your motives, fearing that they may be next, and in general the quality and amount of work that can be accomplished will reduce.

All of these are factors of increased Dis-Stress and lacking Flow States - Psychophysiology working against you.

However, there is another approach that will work significantly better for you.

Providing compassion (in a sense of not "adding" any more pain or suffering), while keeping the other person accountable.

See, by keeping compassion, no one else will have any reason to doubt you or to think any differently of you.

However, their eyes will remain on the person attempting to create False Empathy.

When you mix this with tactful use of accountability, others will begin to see through the lies.

All actions eventually reveal who people really are, we as Leaders just need to make sure that eyes are kept on the real problems, instead of creating new problems that divert from the truth.

This is the fastest way to combat False Empathy - accountability to real results with true compassion.

Over time, people who rely on False Empathy are unable to maintain results.

They rely on misdirection so that they don't need to get results.

So, by preventing misdirection, eventually, everyone begins to see the truth.

When they attempt to misdirect, you use compassion and accountability to put the lights back on them.

As others see more of the truth, the person attempting to use False Empathy will have two choices.

They either will be forced to truly change, or they can maintain their ways and make it worse for themselves.

Generally, they choose the latter until it has failed to work so often that they run away.