Fake News: Jacob Russo
United States Senate candidate Jacob Russo’s polling in the Oregon Democratic primary has fallen precipitously after a gaffe Sunday that journalists have called “electoral suicide.” Russo, who last week led second-place opponent Maribel Bonilla-Fuentes by a whopping 56 points, now trails her 7 to 93. Trade unionist Russo’s blunder took place when he was asked at a Portland campaign rally about one of his aides.
The aide, an African American woman of about 50, was seen serving hors d’oeuvres, polishing silverware, and offering to shine attendees’ shoes. “I’m sorry,” said a journalist with the Portland Register, interrupting Russo, “but are you employing a literal slave? That woman just said my earrings were ‘mighty purdy’ and hummed ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ as she walked off. I’ve also seen her do work that could’ve been delegated to at least five people throughout the course of this rally.” Russo paused to laugh before answering the question. “I see Mrs. Bonilla-Fuentes sent some of her people to press me tonight,” joked the Senate hopeful to a deafeningly silent crowd. “But seriously, how dare you. How dare you call Ma Winnie a slave and me a slave master. I’ll have you know that for decades this wonderful, strong, hardworking, free—I cannot stress the word free enough—woman has worked for me, my father and his father before him. You clearly haven’t been in the workforce long, because if you had been, you’d know that longevity of that kind is called loyalty, not slavery. You’re just like my opponent: disinterested in job creation and disinterested in your fellow Americans.”
Undeterred by Russo’s rebuke, the journalist denied any affiliation with Bonilla-Fuentes before shooting back that everything about the conditions of “Ma Willie”’s employment “reeks of human bondage.” “Pardon my suspicion, but you’ll note that she’s currently serving your supporters tasting cups of pot liquor,” she added. “I really just don’t know where you get off,” returned a clearly flustered Russo. “So a tireless, gainfully employed woman happily and extremely impressively does the work of five people, compliments your jewelry out of the kindness of her heart, hums a catchy little ditty, and shares with you a nutritious recipe that’s been in her family for generations, and you have the nerve to suggest that she’s anything less than the uniquely talented and extraordinary professional that she is? You have the gall to suggest that she’s a slave? That I’m defying the United States Constitution to hold her hostage? You know, if you took ten seconds to look at my daily Instagram stories instead of judging hardworking Americans, you’d see that I’m endlessly committed to fighting the remaining vestiges of slavery in today’s world. It’s a wonder that you call yourself a reporter while being completely incapable of conducting research.” To further proclaim his innocence and his aide’s independence, he invited her to speak for herself. “I’s right happy jes where I’m is, yes Lawd. That pot liquor fixin’ to get cold now, so you best start eating.”
Article featured image by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.