Fake Free - Stress Less Holidays ???? Your Thought is The Key ??

You love the holidays! But, the things that stress you during the holidays are starting to rear their ugly heads. And soon, thoughts of Celebrations, Expectations, and Obligations are whirling around your mind.?

???Celebrations! (whee!) Expectations (Umm) Obligations (*sigh*, ugh.)

?You're not a Debbie Downer by admitting that you're stressed. You?are?not ungrateful for all your blessings; you want to uphold all the family traditions: the parties, gift-giving, holiday meals, cookies, treats, pageants, decorations, e-cards, and... stuff.?

But despite doing all the things that are supposed to bring you joy, like so many others, you feel stressed.?

You?are?truly?trying, but?do you have moments of feeling like you're Faking it??To this, I say,?stop?trying.?

As I show all my clients,?I can show you how you don't?have to?try. (Keywords: have, to, and try) You don't "have to try" to enjoy everything. And you don't have to push aside your worry about blowing your budget or diet or something.?

Instead,? ? Stop and recognize your thought.?

What do you?THINK?about something? What do you think at that moment of stress or worry or fear, or frustration about a situation?

Look at an area that's stressing you out. It could your finances, love life, diet, body, how you come off to others, a social, family, or work responsibility. What is the first thing that pops into your mind about that? Not your feeling! But your thought! For example (I have permission to use this)?

one of my clients (let's call her Betty) first said?

"… if I don't go to the work party this year, I don't want to lie about why I didn't go.?

But I don't want to force myself to go, either. I mean, I could make an excuse.?

Everybody does... But I feel like if my boss would notice and think I'm just not into?

the team, or that I can't manage my schedule to fit it in… and I'm just not part of the?

clique, so I feel like such an outsider

Okay, STOP.?Watch this video for the coaching session snippet, or ?https://youtu.be/nbbP_d8ps6Y?t=8 read below the Post Script.

?That thought is what you first look at and work with on the spot. You learn and practice this in my coaching.

I'm not the first to say that Thoughts prompt your Emotions which Prompt your Actions. But I see that most people don't know about or don't use the thought-work approach.???

The first thing someone tells me when we start talking about them feeling stressed in a particular situation, is how they acted or reacted. Then they describe how they felt or how others acted and felt.?

In describing a stressful moment or situation, people usually convey it in this order:?

1. Feelings/Emotions, followed by
2. Actions/Reactions/Inaction.?

In coaching, then in everyday life, my clients STOP. They recognize that very first T H O U G H T. 'Sigh,' a lot comes out.?

You start to work with your?

• Judgment (not a dirty word)
• Perception?
• Biases
• Possibilities of other perceptions, descriptions, and opinions

You can work with your thought. You can change your thought. You can substitute your thought with another thought, a description, perception, or judgment.?And wow! You feel different.?

You can then choose how to act or react differently. And when you do, you notice you neutralized, lessened, or got rid of your stress.?

It's the way our human minds work.?

It's how we program our human-computer. And you can reprogram it. But you do it in steps, like first choosing another font.??

Thought-work is not a one-time deal. But with practice, you keep readjusting your mind's default setting. Working with your thought before your feeling, you process it (usually instantly), and change how you feel. You change your stress.??

You may wonder, "How is it possible that I have a good time at holiday celebrations? That I like going shopping and eating holiday treats, and get stressed-out at the same time?"

It's your thought: your fear, doubt, back story, worry over something deeper etc. And you can work it out.??

[I'm not talking about Depression, PTSD, or other clinically diagnosed mental illnesses or disorders. These call for diagnoses and treatment.]

?Thought-work coaching is when you have it all together (come on, you know, for the most part, that you do!) and you need to flip that switch that causes Holiday stress.?

Thought-work is that flip.?

And You're that person! You want to flip the switch to lessen or stop stressing during the season.?

DM now with your holiday stress. ?

Let's enjoy the Holidays, in our minds, bodies, and hearts. Others around you will enjoy them more too!?

(abbreviated transcript of coaching session snippet here below)

Betty: if I don't go to the work party this year, I don't want to lie about why I didn't go.?But I don't want to force myself to go, either. I mean, I could make an excuse.? Everybody does... But I feel like if my boss would notice and think I'm just not into? the team, or that I can't manage my schedule to fit it in… and I'm just not part of the clique, so I feel like such an outsider

Okay, STOP.?

We went back to my asking:

Me: What was your first thought about skipping the party?"

Betty: I felt like, I should go.?

Me/Coach: what is your statement of 'I should go', is the thought? Not the feeling, but the thought??

Betty:?that I'm torn.

Me: that's a consequence or result of your feelings, but before then, what was the very first thought.. about going to the office party- the very first thought that popped into your mind?

Betty: Crap

Me: Any idea why?

Betty: I feel like an outsider and not part of the cliques, or I mean, I don't want to say I have no friends there, but I don't really, and...

Me… so your thought, "crap," --- what feeling or emotion did that give you?

Betty:??anxious, sad that I just don't like the social situation part of where I work. I don't have time to go out afterward, and I don't sit around and chit-chat. I just like to get my work done, but I feel like I'm unfriendly, so I go to make an appearance, but I don't know, I guess I could go...??

I won't give you the entire transcript here but fast forward to:

???Her thought led to fear (in place of dread) and sadness.?

???So I invited Betty to replace "Crap" with another thought – another

???word- that was REAL, not cheerful Pollyanna fake to her.?She said "Oh"

???She replaced Crap with "oh ."That was neutral.?

???Did she, in fact, know what the others at work or her boss thought

???about her socializing??No. So, She replaced "oh", with "oh, okay."?

And she felt calm, almost neutral

Eventually, came up with the thought of:?

Betty: Lots of people feel like not going to an office party...no one is?not?nice to me. In fact, everyone is pretty much friendly. I could use this party to say hi to the boss and ask a few people questions outside of work, and it's okay, not weird if I stay or leave.? I do not have to come up with an excuse. If someone asks, I can tell the truth.?

Me: What is the truth about that??

Betty:?I don't feel social enough yet or tired, but I don't want to say that.?

Me: So what would be true in saying that you like to get home early during the holidays? Or, think of something that is true...?

?Betty:??yes!?I don't like being out late. I just want to get home, change, and relax.?

Me: So if there were no consequences to your response, what would be natural to truthful for you to say?

Betty?Betty: It's been so fun, I wanted to see everyone outside of work and celebrate, and I just really like getting home early during the holidays, enjoying a bit of 'me time' with the tree!?

Me:?"how does that feel or land with you?

Betty?Betty, "it's true, I feel good. I can say something like that.?

Me:?Notice I said?if there were no consequences to your response—what is the worst-case scenario?

Betty: that someone may think I didn't enjoy myself, I don't want to hang- out with them. But I really don't think they'll think that.?

Me: You can only control your thoughts and your feelings, not theirs. Do you really know what they are thinking? I mean, you might...

Betty: no

Me:?So, given the option of?

A) forcing yourself to stay later

B) Seeing how you feel at the party, then deciding you want to go home or stay because you really want to or

C) Telling the truth about liking to be home early,?

Which one more authentically aligns with your values, personality, and way of life?

Betty: seeing how I feel at the party, then deciding there. If I feel like going home, I would explain why truthfully. Yeah, it's okay. If anybody even asks! Ha! (then she started laughing).?

?Betty looked relieved and kind of happy!

Me: When we started, you said you were super stressed out about the party?

On a scale of 1-10, one (1) being not stressed at all, and ten (10) being extremely stressed, where are you now?

She said, "2, maybe 3, no 2.5." She added that that was because she really wanted to work on more stuff that stresses her about the holidays, so then she took the "Party Stress" back down to 1.5.?

It all started by reflecting on thoughts about how people at work might think of her. It was only her perception. When she changed her thought or thinking on it, it changed how she perceived the situation. This changed her emotions, and she did not feel stressed about it.??

---------------------------