This is not fair, Why me?

This is not fair; why does it happen always to me? Why not to my neighbour, someone or my enemy?. Why I have to suffer the unkindest cut all the time, when the spoils of success seem to brighten the faces of others. It appears as though God is singularly partial. I am quite religious, offer my prayers, perform poojas, respect my elders and teachers, give alms to the beggars and needy and have not done any harm to anybody even in the wildest of dreams. Yet; I end up in failure in all that I attempt or endeavour. Inscrutable are the ways of God, people aver.

Lament of such sorts are not uncommon amongst us and every one of us must have undergone such a phase in our life at some point or other. Equally true is the fact that such lamenting is countered by the voices of our dear and near, well-wishers who offer the following as words of comfort. Life is not a path of ascending curve and even this will pass away. In the same breath, we hear them say “ failure is the stepping stone for success”. Many times this statement has made me wonder how can continuous failure lead to success. There seems to be a disconnect a seemingly un correct phrase I thought.

Every time when this un-invited guest “Mr Failure” comes home, there is discomfort, we tend to lose our peace of mind, things around us do not interest us anymore and we feel completely dejected. I take the liberty to use the word dejected than using the word disturbed, for the simple reason dejection encompasses all negative emotions at all degrees and takes discomfort along with it.

So when there is complete un-rest and dejection, how could we ever say that failure is the stepping stone for success?

There have been many instances when I have heard people lament “why does this ever happen to me”. I have tried my level best in explaining all that I could but was not successful. Since then I have pondered over this question many times and have not got an answer. I would love to hear from somebody who would give me a convincing answer. From time immemorial people have asked themselves this question “why me” and I am sure they would have not got an answer. The easiest way to answer this question would be to take asylum in “Mr Destiny” and invite him into the conversation.

Destiny has always been a mystery; nobody actually knows what they mean, but for the great realized masters. Each one of us has our own comforting interpretations. For some it denotes karma (leave alone what it means), the fruits of previous actions and for some it is fate and for the rest, it is God the omnipotent who decides on who gets what, He has appointed a CFO (Chief fate officer) who draws up a probability and permutation table and decides the outcome of an action.

There are also few non-believers in the race, who feel that there is nothing called destiny and it is by their personal will everything happens. I appreciate the non-believers for they don’t believe what they have not seen or understood. However, before proceeding, I would like to take a small digression. Let us first try and understand Destiny before we proceed to understand “Why me”.

One of the profound explanations that I have heard till now about destiny is from Dwaraknath Reddy, Chairman of Nutrine Confectionary, a seeker. In one of his greatest works “Can God Improve My Balance Sheet” 1, he talks about destiny and doership in great length

“ … Our sorrow is that we have not made our millions yet, and our

concerns lie there. So the need to shape our destiny calls for assertive doership.

But the perception has to be right. Only then can the method be right and the

resultant action productive. It appears that action is starting in the freedom of

my will. but what seems to be need not be. The blue in the sky, the speaker in

the echo, the image behind the mirror, the water in the mirage, the event in

dream, is this not sufficient narration to assert that what seem to be need not

be?

After stating thus he went on to explain

You flick the switch and the light come on. There is a visible linkage of action and effect, the sequence of cause and effect. Because of that, shall the switch claim doership saying “from me came the power that lit the bulb? or can the bulb claim the doership? beyond the switch and the bulb, transformer and generator and turbine and yet beyond the kinetic energy in the hydel system or the thermal in the boiler recede the causal connection. But who can deny turning the switch on was what made the bulb glow. Where is the sense of doership? Electricity, the energy existed much before Edison invented the bulb. It existed much before, even before Edison’s father had existed. The energy manifests itself when it passes through a bulb. Neither can the bulb, switch nor all the other components boast of the sense of doership?

True nobody denies the importance or the existence of these components, without them, the energy could have not manifested the way it had, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have manifested. The bulb in the example is just a medium through which the energy manifests. This energy existed much before mankind could have imagined. It is just that we take it for granted, like the Tao saying

“When the shoe fits the foot is forgotten,

when the belt fits the belly is forgotten

and when the heart is right

good and bad are forgotten”

Unfortunately, the energy that manifests is forgotten and what is remembered is the switch or the bulb. Similarly, the “I” that we think we are, is a mistaken identity and it cannot claim doership. Energy manifests itself through this beautiful medium called” body” and an outcome like the light is the action performed. Nobody denies the importance of the body by all means; it is required to realize the true self. But it cannot claim doership

I know I am making a controversial statement. This is probably one thing which is very difficult for us to digest, for the simple reason that it is a blow to one’s Ego. What seems to need not be and that’s an eternal truth.

To my friends who dwell on logic here we go!

Let us dissect a man’s Psyche and peep inside to have a glimpse of what’s inside. we would be able to see four figuratively distinctive layers namely. True Self, self-image, Strategic self and projected self.

True self: True self is what we are. It is pure, unscathed, knows no duality. It has no likes or dislikes, it is pure consciousness. It is universal cosmic energy. Wait, it is in no means what we think of, it is not what we are right now in the physical form. What we think right now is just an image of the self, just a perception an illusion (remember, what seems to be need not be). We are what we know from our society, our parents, our teachers and friends. We know ourselves as what we have come to believe from what we have heard from them. It is just a mirage and not a reality.

Self-image is just what we believe we are. There is a small difference, just the difference between the cup and the lip yet far as the sun and the earth. It is a mistaken identity and we mistake the self-image to be the true self and that’s when there is a huge conflict. Your logic might not agree to this, you might argue that from birth you are just one identity and definitely not two. Yes we are a single identity when it comes to the body, but have mistaken that to be the only identity.

Strategic self: A strategic self is what we want to be. from what we think we are, we are constantly in search of a role model a person whom we can emulate or imitate. We would want to be Amitab Bachan in making, Abdul kalam in intelligence and Aishwarya Rai in beauty. I just came across a beautiful story

“Ever since I was a little kid. I did not want to be myself. I had great

admiration for George and wanted to be like him. But George din not even like

me. I tried to walk like he walked. I tried to talk like he talked. I tried to imitate

him even signed up for the high school he signed for.

Which was why George changed. He began to hang around Jackson; he walked

like Jackson. He mixed me up! I was confused! I began to walk and talk like

George who was walking and talking like Jackson.

And then it dawned on me that Jackson walked and talked like Michael and

Michael walked and talked like Peter.

So her I am walking and talking like George an imitation of Jackson’s version

of Michael, trying to walk and talk like Peter.

And who do you think Peter is always walking and talking like

of all the people SAM, that, that little peat who walks and talks like me!

Amusing, yet interesting? Isn’t it? We always want to be something or somebody and never have we thought once that we want to just be ourselves.

Projected self: The projected self is the marriage between our strategic self and the self-image. This is the self that we project ourselves to be, knowing what we think we are to what we want to be. Personality or fa?ade as you might want to call it. It, in other words, is how we are perceived by the people around us.

For most of us, it is very difficult to differentiate amongst the four layers, we are caught up in our mind game and keep brooding about our past or anticipate and be anxious about our future. In this fast-paced world where do we have the time to reflect on ourselves?

Having understood the various layers within our psyche, let us now ponder“Why me”, and see what happens when one fails.

When does one consider that he has failed? One thinks he has failed when the outcome of any action is not as what he/she desires. We keep desiring so many things and when they do not materialize we feel that we have failed and consequently get dejected.

Let us try and understand why Failure?

We have seen the psyche of a person has four layers. The self-image, strategic self and the projected self have certain needs and wants which keep changing from time to time. As a result of these needs, there is a definitive behavioural pattern and personality. For example, an individual needs to be valued, respected and given attention. He has strong opinions, perceptions and mental models upon everything he stumbles upon. He has many needs, monetary, security, social, materialistic and psychological.

Everything that Abraham Maslow an American Psychologist talks about in his work “Hierarchy of Human Needs”. His needs are more towards that which would help him achieve his strategic self. All those that would satisfy his quest towards conquering his strategic self will be in his wish list.

If we watch ourselves closely most of our needs would be either, which satisfy our immediate requirements, which would preserve the ego or those, which would help us achieve our strategic self. Projected self is the mistaken identity of the doer which keeps pace between the self-image and the strategic self, constantly trying to bridge the gap between the two. However our unidentified friend “Mr. True Self” is pure consciousness, he knows no duality, nor does he have likes and dislikes. He is Happiness, Love. When I mean happiness and love let me make a bold statement not the happiness and love that we know of and that which we use in our daily conversations.

Happiness and Love are a state of being. Nobody can be happy and nobody can love. As a matter of fact, we are happiness and Love personified. Let us look at this for a moment. We claim that we are happy when we get what we desire or do something that we desire. For example, I am happy when I eat ice cream, I am happy when my girlfriend is around, I am happy when I have a drink and enjoy with my friends.

Wait a second our happiness depends on something apart from us. Which means that there is a high probability that we may or may not get it. There is a huge probability that tomorrow when I break up with my girlfriend or don’t get the ice cream or drink I need I would become unhappy. So our mood swings according to the whims and fancies of our desire. Is this Happiness? If we notice none of the above is in our control. The government might one day decide to shut down all wine shops and we suddenly are left high and dry. Happiness is not south-west monsoon to keep fluctuating. If this is not happiness then what is this. It is nothing but pleasure. It is a pleasurable feeling to eat ice creams or drink or to be with one’s girlfriend.

Please don’t think that I am playing with words. Happiness is not even a close cousin of pleasure, leave alone a brother. Pleasure is momentary and it varies according to our desire. However, happiness is a state of being, totally unscathed by an external situation. Next time when we say we are happy let's ask ourselves, is this because of something or is it irrespective of anything.

So our friend does not need or want anything. It is the best as it is. We are the best the way we are. It is only the mistaken identity, the self-image which needs a lot of things.

So what happens when we fail? Let us try and understand failure and its impact on the layers with the help of a diagram. (Refer Diagram – Dejection factor)

Self-image as we know has certain needs, which are directed towards satisfying the needs of the strategic self. These needs could anything basic, subtle or a deep-rooted desire. The need translates into a demand. Once there is a serious urge then that translates into satisfying ones wants (for those who are confused between a need and a want. Need is a basic necessity and want is directed towards a specific object that satisfies the need.

One evaluates the various factors that are responsible for influencing once decision. These factors could be the finances available, economic conditions, social and personal compulsions, information and awareness. After evaluation, based on the importance and relevance of that particular want one performs an action to satisfy it. The involvement in that action will be a factor of how important and relevant is that particular want at that particular instance of time.

For example, Let us assume that you want to buy a Benz car and gift it to your wife on her birthday. You would first evaluate whether you would be able to afford it at this particular instance of time and after evaluating various options that are known, you might decide of the importance and or relevance of buying a Benz car or defer and stick on with your good old Maruti. Your involvement increases or decreases based on the importance and relevance of that particular want.

You might drop the plan at this stage or start pursuing your dream and take all steps to save money and do all that you know of which would help you realize your dream. I would like to caution you here, you are doing all that you know of which you think would help get what you want. So let us focus on the action. Now when you have done all that you could (in your limited purview) there is an outcome.

For every action there is an outcome. The outcome is of two types. The one what we want the outcome to be and the other what the actual outcome is. The former is what we desire and the later if we may call as the deserved outcome. When the actual outcome is equal to the desired outcome i.e if the desired outcome is same as the actual outcome, then there is a neutral feeling. There is a psychological sense of achievement. We feel elated and there is a sense of accomplishment and achievement. We pat our backs and say well done.

If the actual outcome is much more than what we expected our desire, then we would with pride claim that it is because of the fruit our hard work we were able to get such results.

If the actual outcome is not the deserved we then get dejected. We call it fate, ill-luck and that’s when we ask why me. We become unhappy and shout aloud “Inscrutable are the ways of God”. the degree of dejection is directly proportional to the relevance and importance of the want. Higher the factors, higher the dejection.

This is where I want you to stop, Look at what you have said just now. Who decides who gets what when and where? It cannot be luck or destiny, for they don’t exist in the first place to administer who gets what and where. If the answer to this question is God (Not dwelling to much on who He is and where He is) I have my own doubts. It is you when you were very happy claimed that “ All are equal in the eyes of the Lord” How can a person for whom everybody is equal decide who gets what. Will he not be partial and cruel to one and shower is a kindness on the others. Moreover, a rule is a rule, when the actual outcome of the action is much more than what you had desired, you seem to take the sense of doership, jumping in ecstasy as if you were instrumental in the outcome. If not you blame, destiny, or ill luck or God.

Let me ask you this question, how do you probably think that “God” would administer such a law. Even if we put all the supercomputers under the sun, get the world’s best of programmers to design such a system, how do you think you can administer such a system, which decides who gets what and when and where. On the lighter side, look at the world’s population, and the rate at which it is growing, it would be a Herculean task to design such a system which requires a manual intervention to decide who gets what and where. Just pause, you might still argue that God is omnipotent and all-powerful and this is not something really hard for him. But don’t you think he has something better to do. To listen to all our prayers, he would be tired and confused. because we keep changing what we want.

A perfect law need not be administered.

The tree doesn’t crib, the animals don’t, it is only us, humans who crib about everything. A law is just there and everything abides by it. A mango seed gives a mango tree. No body goes and tells nature or keeps a tab on it to see if a mango seed produces a mango tree or a coconut tree. Gravitation! Do you think Newton or anybody administers it. Gravitation exists you like it or nor, you want it or not. You do not plant a thousand mango trees and hope that one of them produces apples. You do not expect somewhere somehow that water would run up the gradient or fire will freeze or that a rock will melt. As Mr Dwaraknath Reddy2 puts it nicely, “Nature remains natural.

All things abide eternally in their intrinsic nature with never ever a deviation, for cause must produce its result, true to itself- there is no other way. Nature knows this and does not grumble, nature has no problem, for everything is right. That is the continuous flow of cause to effect is inviolable. Yet man, who ought to be the highest evolved manifestation of nature, is convinced that the “unnatural” is a possibility and often a fact of his experience. He asserts that accidents happen and ill-luck alters a result. Nature must be amused to observe that the concept of unnatural in the self-esteemed human must be the only unnatural aspect in creation”

• The sales guy can tell that black color model is out of stock and would be able to deliver only after a month.
• The prices of all cars have been increased effective from today by 25%. Thanks to the finance minister and you run short of cash.
• On your way to the showroom, somebody pickpockets your essential documents and cash.
• You pick up a fight with the sales guy and walk out of the showroom and to your dismay he is the only dealer in your city who has that black color. You feel that it is against your prestige to go back and buy the car from him.
• Benz Company may decide to stop production of black color cars and might also decide to stop distribution to your city and to buy a car from the nearby state or city would take you 1 month.

There could be numerous such situations, which could come your way. You have planned meticulously and have done all that is required but the final outcome though it looks like it is in your hands might not be true. Remember what seems to be, need not be.

Reverting back to the diagram, the difference or variation between the actual outcome and the desired outcome produces say an emotional determinant factor and we may assign alpha()to denote the same, the one that determines what a person’s emotion would be after the outcome. This difference also has an impact on the movement of the self. When I say movement I obviously do not refer to the physical movement, it is movement towards understanding the true self or moving away from it.

The determinant factor (alpha) is positive, i.e. when the actual outcome is greater, or equal to the desired outcome and negative when it is lesser. The former produces a sense of happy feeling and the later a feeling of discomfort and dejection. Alpha has an impact on the psyche system. When alpha is positive we see one very happy and accomplished. Accomplishment in achieving ones needs or goals, which is directed towards the strategic self. Once we find that a particular desire satisfied, we go on increasing our targets, more like today’s MNC’s.

We start revisiting and revising our goals and desires and look out for even more challenging situations. So when the deserved outcome (y) is less than the desired outcome (x) then we feel that we have failed. This dejection brings about a change (homeostasis). The magnitude of change is equal to the gap between the self image and strategic self (beta) and the determinant factor (alpha). The impact is felt on the Strategic self; we revisit our identity and reason out our desire to become the one conceptualized by the strategic self. The strategic self shrinks and moves towards the true self. The gap between the self-image and the strategic self decreases. If we have noticed ourselves carefully during trying situations and times of failure, we would be in a contemplative mood and question fundamental beliefs.

Questioning and reasoning out our existence and belief as to why we want to be what we want to be and what we actually are will move us close to the true self. As time progress, we would be matured enough to think that we are the best the way we are and what would remain is the gap between the self-image and the true self. The projected self would have vanished when the strategic self and self-image becomes one. The process of self-realization then becomes an effort to reduce the self-image and merge it with the true self. On the contrary when the desired outcome (x) is greater than or equal to the deserved outcome, then there is a sense of happiness and accomplishment.

This encourages a person to set new targets for himself and increase his desires. This impacts the strategic self and expands it outwards away from the true self, remember the strategic self is only a pseudo-identity and it is what we want to be. When what we want to be is accomplished, we desire more and we want more. Therefore the gap between the true self and the strategic self increases and the self image constantly strives to get to the strategic self thereby performing actions and getting caught in the rut.

What we think we know is only from our limited knowledge. It's said even the most intelligent man on earth has not used more than 10 – 15% of his capacity and all through life we have our own perceptions and opinions of various things we come across. Everything for us is relativistic, when it is good, there is bad, the tall and short and so on. When there is some learning, what gets stored as knowledge is nothing more than our own perceptions and views. Therefore how is it possible to understand the universal causal chain with our limited knowledge at this stage. All that we have been doing is in hindsight we make educated guesses that this could have been the cause of the corresponding result. But at the very instant when the action takes place, there could not have been a different result because it is a universal causal moment.

What we see is just a straight-line view and not an Ariel view, which would give us the complete picture. Then again since every cause has its own precedent cause, causation as it is related to you, moulded you and been expressed through your experience of life, cannot be a closed circle with its beginning and end within you. It must necessarily be a universal moment where you and me are I centre like the localized eddied of whirling water within the total flow of the river. Such eddies seem to have self-generated energy and movement, but in truth, they are only caused by the current of the flooded river and are inevitable natural effects in the dynamic surging moment.

Thus there are so many I centers in the whole moment, which have come to play their role. So with what conviction can we say that the outcome should be the one you desired and not otherwise? The effects that manifests are not in chronological order, for us to maintain a log, to find out what resulted in what. There exists a total universal moment of cause and effect chain which include our actions also. Just for argument sake imagine, there are so many I centres as there are population in this world.

If everyone feels he must get what he desires then the terrorist in Afghanistan and the Americans would be happy for both their prayers are answered and one could destroy the other. Then does that mean when the universal law is in action it’s a Win lose situation, where one is victorious and the other fails? Definitely not, a one-litre cup cannot hold more than its capacity or more than what it deserves. If it desires to hold more than one litre then that’s foolishness. Having said this you might want to ask me, is there a way to know who deserves what? Yes it is possible only when the localized eddies stop feeling they have self-generated energy, possible only when one realizes the true self and disassociate himself with his image. Until then one needs to realize the presence of the universal law and understands that all that happens, happens as per universal moment and no matter however hard one tries to alter the situation, it would only be a futile expression yielding no results.

Accomplishment boosts the Ego and that’s why we always want to conquer something or do something so that we feel accomplished. Action is not wrong, I am not condemning action or desire. We go wrong only when we feel that it is because of “me” this has been accomplished and therefore want more. Sense of joy and self-accomplishment produces joy and pleasure. But beware ! One is far moved away from reality, the strategic self and self-image is only a fa?ade and is constantly moving toward an illusion, a fictitious goal that needs to be conquered.

One moves really far that one forgets his identity. This is probably why when we look back at history, we have had examples of top executives of Fortune 500 companies committing suicide, one’s the world’s richest men, and the ones who have accomplished all that they wanted to. They climbed the corporate ladder of successes with victorious moments and joyous moments. What happened finally when they reached the pinnacle, they found that there was nothing to conquer and all that they did all these years were meaningless. There was a vacuum, nothing more to conquer, and nothing more to do.

Let me reiterate, I am not saying that one should not desire to succeed. However wherever we are, if we are able to appreciate the universal law and believe in its judgment, in times of success and failure, we get what we deserve and not what we desire, we are moving towards the self.

Success therefore creates an illusion of doership and widens the strategic self. When one has achieved what he desires, the basic human tendency is to ask for more, ask for something much better. Even with success, if we are able to realize and disassociate ourselves with the sense of doership, I guess we have gone a long way.

On the other hand when there is a failure. One ponders why? If you have noticed, we forget ourselves when we are in a state of happiness and when we are sad that is when we start looking inside and start introspecting. Success is directed outside and failure is directed inside. We then revisit our assumptions and realign ourselves to play the game more efficiently. The game of life needs people who are flexible and not rigid. Those who are rigid get consumed and those who are flexible get through.

We have numerous examples, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi; they have made a huge impact on society and are a class apart. If we look at their life histories, we find that they have failed so many times and are great men of our times. This was possible only because to an extent they knew who they were. So when one fails his self-image contracts and he comes back to his senses and revisit his assumptions and comes to believe that he is the best the way he is and does not want to be anybody else. So, next time when you have a problem or when you have failed, don’t ask “why me”, because you, as you are right now, will not be able to understand the universal causal law, unless the false identity merges with its true self. Moreover, remember failure and problems actually help us grow and understand reality. as the famous proverb goes

If you don’t have problems, look back and be careful you might be headed in the wrong direction”

When failure comes do not be afraid. Life is a growth school; we keep learning lessons until we have learnt them properly. We get what we deserve, do not despair, do not cry in vain, you are only slowing the process. All that you have to do, is to do nothing and let the universal energy take its own course. For one simple reason that God created us and not because he wanted to create junk. He wanted to create a diamond and the true worth of a diamond is found only when it is ground, polished from coal. Allow that to happen to you, let nature work on you and create a diamond. I get reminded of a beautiful mythological story.

When the world was created everyone then was gods. People then never realized their potential and started misusing it. The creator decided to hide the godly hood in a place where it would be difficult for men to find it. He was actually searching a place where he could hide it, one among them suggested that he hide it underneath the ocean, the creator refused and said, men are clever, they can dive deep and somehow find it. The second suggested he keep it above the mountains or bury it under the earth. The creator did not agree to this and said men could find it easily. Then after serious contemplation, God decided to hide it within every human, because men tend to search outwards and it requires great strength to go inwards.