Failure, Resilience + Grace

September, 2018. Failure isn’t a word I use often. I’m by nature an eternal optimist. A realist, but an optimist. So, when my year-long goal went off the rails last week, it took some soul-searching to piece myself back together, to keep perspective on all that I had accomplished, and to dig deep and see if I could find grace in my disappointment.

I type this with my left arm in a cast and the realization that I am extremely lucky to be able to push myself to edges that are uncomfortable, and that it is a privilege to take on great adventures.

The Trans Alpine Run is a 7-day Stage Race across the Alps, starting in southern Germany and ending ~260km and +/- 16000m later in northern Italy. The terrain is stunning, the mountains are relentless and the draw of finishing is electric. This was my 3rd year traversing the route and the first year that I didn’t finish. On day 5 after ~185km, about 7km from the stage finish, I slipped and fell hard on my left side. I knew right away that it wasn’t a routine fall and that I’d done some damage to my arm. Dammit. The race medics were close and attended to me on the trail right away. With my arm in a temporary splint, it took some negotiating, but they agreed I could finish the Stage as long as I went to the hospital and got x-rays right away.

Fast forward to a likely scaphoid fracture and the medics’ advice to not continue. <editing note: after further x-rays, it turns out I had a fracture of my distal radius, not scaphoid>. I felt conflicted. I didn’t want to be stubborn to a fault and yet my body had never felt stronger. I wasn’t really in much pain though everything was swollen and awkward. Most of the doctors advised me not to start, but that’s their job. I was climbing strong but Stage 6 had fixed ropes, sharp mountain drop-offs and steep, technical descents that made me nervous. I didn’t want to hold my team partner up to the point she might miss a cutoff, but we set out to do this together.

One of my re-learnings with this event is that we really are all responsible for our own decisions. We can get advice from experts, but ultimately, it's our own life we live. We make the best choices in the moment with the information we have at the time. Objectively, perhaps it seems like a straightforward decision to not continue with a fractured arm but at the time there was a part of me that really felt I could go on. There was also a part of me that didn’t want to be ‘that person’ who defied common sense, put others at risk and needed a helicopter rescue from a dodgy mountaintop.

Ultimately, I realize it’s just a race. It’s just a Stage. And I am safely home. The disappointment of not reaching my goal will fade. And I trust that with a bit more soul searching + time, I’ll find grace.

Thanks for joining me on my journey. In the mountains + in life!