Failure, Reframed

Last week, someone asked me how I decided to embrace coaching and train as a coach to define the second half of my career.

My answer: because of failures.

I have been asked this question many times before, but this was the first time I responded in this way. I could have given a factual, analytical answer ("After a thorough analysis of my strengths and journey, it became clear that coaching was the right fit for me.") or a romantic, passionate one ("It was a revelation! Coaching was my calling!").

But no. This time, I simply said, "Because of my failures." And it felt right.

Days later, the sound of that answer still lingers in my mind. And I like the sound of it.

Let’s Talk About Failure

Many people fear failure, and I don’t blame them. Failures hurt.

At the same time, the internet is overflowing with articles celebrating the transformational power of failure. And while I agree in theory, in practice, it is far more complicated.

As both a coach and a human, I have experienced failure many times. And when I was in the midst of it, the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate. Instead, I wanted to hide, filled with disappointment and regret.

Yet, failures are powerful. If we use them well, they help shape our journey, bringing us closer to our goals as humans and professionals. How can we harness the power of failures, without repeating old formulas?

How to Make Sense of Failure

Here’s my five-step process to leverage failures without falling into feel-good clichés:

? Accept it. We all fail. We have, and we will again. Failure is part of being human. Let’s deal with it.

? Treat failure as an event. Failure is temporary. Like most things in life, it describes an arc with a beginning and an end. When looking at a setback, we can ask ourselves: Is it final? Is it fatal? Seeing failure as an event helps us avoid tying it to our identity. We are not failures; we failed.

? Avoid "why" questions - ask "how" questions instead. Swapping why for how shifts our focus from blame to process. Instead of asking, "Why did this happen?" ask, "How did this happen?" This approach helps us separate failure from our intrinsic identity, analyze key moments, and extract valuable lessons for the future. Most probably, we will find ourselves in a similar situation in the future. Having the process in mind will help us avoid making the same mistakes twice.?

? Zoom out. How does this failure make sense in the long run? What purpose has it served? While failures sting in the moment, they often reveal their true value over time. While facing past failures, time-travelling to come back to the very moment we failed is a risk. We could get stuck in an uncomfortable past that we regret. Mindfulness can help. By appreciating the situation we are living in and paying attention to the details of it - our feelings, our bodily sensations, how our senses are stimulated, we put some distance between the past and the present moment. We face the past, but we live in the present.

? Talk about it, and laugh. Once again, everyone experiences failure. Talking about it openly creates connection and mutual understanding. Everybody relate to, everybody can add to the discussion. And we should not forget humor. Comedians often turn their shortcomings into comedy gold, and that happens for a reason. Humor helps reframe, decontextualize, and strip failure of its power.

Failures are not just obstacles; I prefer to see them like trampolines. If we stay curled up on them, they keep us down. But if we recognize their potential, they can become the force that will propel us higher.?

We can sit dwelling on what went wrong. Or we can stand up, use it as a foundation, and jump.

How will you turn your failures into your next step forward?

Thank you for subscribing to my newsletter. I look forward to reading your experiences, comments, and questions.

My name is Matteo. As all of you, I contain multitudes.

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Matteo