Failure: Let's Talk About the Fear of Looking Silly

Anyone remember the lyrics from this song:

“What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will your love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?”

The melody and these few sentences show up in my subconscious every now and then. I couldn't tell you the band and these are the only lines I remember.

It’s an interesting reminder that failure makes us insecure about acceptance. It isn’t just about getting something right it's about looking stupid and ebing judged. It's about not accomplishing a task or challenge, or not being seen as good enough to get it done, or smart enough to get it right or dependable enough to carry it to completion.

Looking stupid is a deep fear for many of us and as a result we avoid failure at all costs. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us wonder. . . “Will I still be accepted? Appreciated? Respected? Loved? if I'm wrong.

Our identity, it seems, is tied to our performance and our ability to be right.?

Our success or our failure, we think, defines us.

When we are wrong, it feels so personal. Descriptive.

The truth is failure is part of living. It’s part of growing. A part of discovery. People rarely get it right on the first try. If they do it’s often called luck; not skill.

I’m being reminded of this lately as my husband and I navigate some situations with our adult children. We want them to succeed so badly that we are willing to get in-between them and failure.?

We are tempted to be not just a safety net, we seek to be the obstacle that all pain and failure must get through to get to them. We want to make the road easy, the choices simple, the outcomes clear and bullet proof.

Recently our attempts to help them out, are hindering them. Creating an unrealistic expectation that someone in life should always run interference. Subconsciously causing them to question if they are capable.

Instead of standing on the sidelines with encouragement and a banner that said “You’ve got this” we are on the filled yelling at the ‘figurative ref’ and throwing flags as if life truly is unfair and should be more of a utopia.

I grew up with the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ yet I’m afraid pain might kill them. Of course I’m being dramatic, but that belief I have is creating fear in me and driving me to interfere in their experiences. Part of me even thinks if they fail, I've failed.

My husband and I unpacked all of this over coffee. We decided moving forward that we will chose to remind ourselves that everyone has made mistakes and will all continue to make them.?

That is certain.?That is part of life. That is normal.

How we handle mistakes and relate to failure is important. Our failure and other's failure does not have to be emotionally definitive. Failure can be a tool not a definition.

Failure is a tool. Not a definition.

We define ourselves based on who we are committed to become. We do not define ourselves based on the results we create.?

Some of the most famous people are remebered for their attempts at greatness. Their courage in the face of adversity. In fact it's their determination that inspires us.

Success and failure can teach us what we are capable of ‘this time’. Results; success or failure can help us determine if we are passionate and want to continue to develop in a certain disciple or direction. It is an indicator or where we can focus more, where improvements are needed.

Challenges causes us to ask: How bad do we want it? Are we settling for easy? Does it matter? What are the payoffs? What are the costs? Is the work worth it?

Last year I started riding a unicycle. That was all about failure for a long time. Some people still think I’m failing because I can’t ride up and down the sidewalk for blocks without falling off it.

[judgement]

It took me a while to sit and balance myself. Longer still to peddle without touching the wall. To date I can travel about 10-12 feet before it kicks out from underneath me. Rest assured for that to happen the stars must all sign, the wind must be at my back and my full concentration must be brought to every moment.

It isn’t an easy task but its worth it, to me.

People come over and see my unicycle. Everyone wants to ride it. Until they try to sit on it and realize the difficulty is real. Some have kept at it for hours and others turn away quickly.?You definitely sweat and can walk away with bruises and sore muscles. I have invested in shin guards, a helmet and three pair [and counting], of leather gloves.

Growth.

We get to determine what matters to us. We get to decide to put the work in or walk away. We can accept that growth is uncomfortable, messy and at times we may appear silly, stupid or over our head.

Rest assured, growth does not come to the faint of heart or without failure. It’s a path of pain and sometimes scars. It's full of deep emotions that can drive us to leap with joy or curl up in a corner.?

"What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?"

Let’s make failure something we welcome. Rather than trying to save people from the pain, let’s remind them that the pain can count.?

Let’s let them know our love will continue if their walk becomes a crawl. And acknowledge and celebrate their perseverance and commitment.