Failure: how and why to accept it.

It is in our nature to want to evolve. To achieve goals and make dreams come true. In case we fail, we get frustrated and then we either try again or give up. In both cases we wonder what we did wrong and, if we choose to try again, how to fix it. Of course, there are many factors that determine a failure. The easy answer is 'you failed because you didn't try hard enough'. However, the easy answer is not always the right one. In my work as a coach, I have seen many people try hard and fail. And before that, I have seen myself try hard and fail. Failure, then, is a given and inevitable. The good news is that you can prepare for it and welcome it like you would welcome an old friend, so you don't lose your will to succeed.

But how do we prepare for failure? And why do we do this since it brings with it negative emotions?

I'll answer the second question first. By preparing yourself for failure, you train your brain to treat it as something normal. Therefore, resolvable. To give you a quick example, research has shown that people who listen to metal music tend to be more optimistic and positive. This is because they come into direct contact with negative emotions through the music they listen to, and their brain creates defense mechanisms. Perfect? Exactly the same thing is happening in our case.

So now that you know the "why", I'll give you the "how". And the "how" is to answer the following 12 questions in your diary:

1. What negative thoughts am I still stuck in?
2. What is the worst thing that could happen to me?
3. How would I deal with a sudden dismissal from my job?
4. How do I react to change?
5. What was the first time I failed? Had I tried again or did I give up then?
6. Why am I so afraid of failure? Is this fear based on facts?
7. Have I linked my personal identity and self-worth to how successful I am? If so, why?
8. Am I trying to succeed for myself or to prove something to those around me? If so, why?
9. Imagine your fear of failure as a scared little kid. Ask what it takes and record each answer.
10. Explore the answers you gave to the previous question. How can you meet these needs to allay this fear?
11. When you were a child, how did your family deal with your failures? How did this affect your adult life?
12. What would your plan of action be if you knew that failure was the real path to success?

In closing, it is important to answer these questions with paper and pen; so that you are truly present in the process. The fear of failure never goes away. But with practice, you can gain control over it and achieve all your goals.