The Failed Dream: Strategies to Navigate the End of a Dream

What do you do when you have dedicated a substantial amount of your life to a dream that can no longer be achieved? It takes a lot of courage to let go of a dream, to close a chapter on something that had played a dominant role in your life.

You see, it is easy to speak about dreaming big and pursuing your goals, but the reality is that you can dedicate yourself to a goal yet still fall short of achieving it.

In this article, I will delve into the often-overlooked journey of failed dreams and how to say goodbye to them so that it does not make you bitter and pessimistic. I will share a case study and the framework I use when helping clients through this process.

Before we get started, it is important to first differentiate between a dream without work and a dream pursued. This article will focus on the dream pursued – the type where there has been a significant amount of dedication and work towards realizing it.

A struggling client : Case Study

A few years ago, I had a client who had been facing a difficult time – struggling to find her way and dedicate herself towards a goal. She felt like there wasn’t real meaning in her life and that this resulted in a lack of drive. She recalled the level of dedication, excitement, and sense of fulfillment she had experienced as an athlete, feeling like she is a fraction of the person she once was.

You see, she had been a high-level national swimmer and had the dream of representing her country at the Olympics. Her entire childhood and teen years were dedicated to this dream. But then something happened: heading into university, this dream took a back seat as she lost focus, and it slowly started to drift away. Eventually, she stopped training, and years later, she was still struggling because she felt like she had failed herself and that her dream of heading to the Olympics would never be realized.

Though she was right about her dream being unattainable now, the way she was approaching the problem kept her stuck dwelling on the past and her failures as an athlete. This had a negative impact on her life, resulting in her just going through the motions, having lowered self-confidence and motivation.

Knowing when and how to surrender is a powerful skill. There will be times in life when our will to fight will not change the outcome, and this was one of those situations. What I recommended was that she allow herself to grieve the dream, to release all the anger, sadness, and regret. This was important because she still held on to a lot of negative emotions associated with this unrealized Olympic dream.

Grieving a dream is akin to mourning a loss. When she allowed herself to grieve, she could finally confront the emotions she had suppressed. She had dedicated years of her life to swimming, making sacrifices, and enduring countless hours of training. Acknowledging the depth of her disappointment was the first step toward healing. This was also an important point in the process of forgiving herself.

The second phase was to identify the lessons she had learned from her experience and how she could be better because of it. This was important because we wanted to reframe the idea that the years spent training were wasted simply because she didn’t get to go to the Olympics.

Instead, we identified how those years spent training had carved out skills and characteristics that could serve her in the next season of her life. In fact, there were a number of positives that she identified – from being able to dedicate herself to something she was passionate about, to pushing her body to the edges, and creating lifelong friends.

By reframing her past, she began to see her journey not as a failure, but as a valuable experience. She realized that her swimming career had taught her how to set goals and push herself, and perhaps most importantly, it is teaching her how to have the courage to let go – lessons that are applicable in all walks of life.

The final phase was to dream a new dream. To set a new target that excites her, that orients and directs her. This is because she needed something new to look forward to, to work towards, to keep her from dwelling on her past mistakes. But more importantly, it gave her an opportunity to implement the lessons and skills she had learned from the unrealized Olympic dream.

Dreaming a new dream is about finding a new purpose that allows her to reconnect with the excitement, perseverance and fulfilment she felt as an athlete. It also creates space for hope to flourish. Hope is necessary for resilience and acts as a buffer in moments of crisis. When hope is gone, we are in dangerous territory. We need that 'glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel', because without it we are one crisis away from giving up on life. The lack of hope has been shown in several studies to be a key factor in depression as well as suicide.

Lessons for All of Us

Although I used this client as an example, this is not about her or even just about athletes. This is about life, and having the courage to let go of a failed dream and the story of how you believed your life will and should unfold. This is because loss forms part of the experience of life.

Remember the following;

1. Acceptance:

Recognize and accept that some dreams may not come to fruition. Focus on controlling your effort but remember that in many situations you do not control the outcome. This reminds me of a client who had given his all in training and preparing for a major championship event; on the day he was in peak condition and performed at his best, yet he still didn’t get the outcome that he desired. There was nothing he could do besides accept the referee’s decision.

2. Fight for your dream, but only when probability favors you:

In her case, there was zero chance of her fulfilling this dream now. This meant that she had to move from fighting for what she wanted to surrendering to the reality she faced. Surrendering is a form of acceptance, and now gives you the power to work with the cards infront of you - it can also be a humbling and character building experience.

For the rest of us where a chance still exists, fight! And focus on increasing the probability, or said differently, reducing the risk of failure. If you are starting a business it might mean looking at what could go wrong and putting contingencies in place. If you are a basketball player, it might mean practicing your free-throws so that you increase your rate of success. If you are in sales, it might mean identifying solutions to common objectives you face and understanding why this will be a great deal for the client.

3. Grieving:

Allow yourself to feel and process the emotions associated with the loss of a dream. We are human beings and emotions are meant to be felt and expressed, but you want to do this in a way that is conducive to your values and achieving your goals. I always tell my clients to create a safe space and block of time where they can simply be vulnerable and allow their emotions and frustrations to be expressed healthy. This is a crucial step toward healing and moving forward. Let go of self-pity, blame, and even anger toward yourself.

4. Reframing:

Shift your perspective to see the positive aspects of your journey. Identify the skills, experiences, and relationships that have enriched your life, regardless of the outcome. Remember that just because it was a suboptimal outcome, does not mean that it was a net negative. Focus on how you are in the green, how it has or can have an overall positive impact on your life. Let's look at a failed marriage - instead of focusing on the betrayal and the future not being the way you expected it to go, sit and reflect on all the experiences that was possible because of your partner.

Many of the things you learned through pursuing a big goal can be applied to your next pursuit.

5. New Goals:

Set new, meaningful goals that excite and motivate you. This helps you create a vision for the future and guides your action in the present. This is an antidote for living in the memory of the past. I am reminded of a powerful verse from the bible “Where there is no vision, the people perish”. This highlights the importance of having a vision for your future. The lack of meaning, direction, and vision does not create an environment for growth.

Conclusion

The story of how we want life to unfold is powerful and can fuel our drive, but be careful of it holding you hostage. Remember, at the end of the day, a dream or vision for the future is nothing more than a story – when that story no longer serves you, it is time to close that book and select a new story.

Saying goodbye to a dream is never easy, but it can be a transformative experience. By allowing ourselves to grieve, reframing our perspective, and setting new goals, we can find renewed purpose and joy in our lives. Remember, the journey is just as important as the destination, and every experience, whether successful or not, contributes to our growth and development. So, embrace the process, learn from it, and keep moving forward – an approach like this is what makes champions!

Though I wrote this focusing on unachieved dreams, the same applies to any form of loss, whether failed dreams, marriages or business.

#Grief #Failure #Resilience #MentalStrategies #Psychology