Facing the Pain of Rejection … and CONQUERING!

The first thing I tell a new client embarking on a job search is to brace themselves: they are about to face a barrage of rejection. It’s the same as the doctor warning you by saying, this will hurt a bit, but you know ultimately, it’s for your own good so you bear the pain.

Rejection is a tough emotion to deal with, but it’s one of the stark and unavoidable realities of life, so best you decide how you’re going to handle her when she comes knocking.

Before we get into coping strategies, let’s explore why rejection is so difficult to muster. Anyone remember Maslow’s hierarchy? Once we have fulfilled our most basic needs, our physiological needs, the next one in the hierarchy is the need to belong. And rejection basically says, “you don’t belong”. Fundamentally, I believe this is why it remains one of the most challenging emotional pains to deal with. It really hits that “belonging” nerve.

Research has shown that the same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. The reason rejection hurts so much is quite simply down to the fact that our brains are wired that way. It’s not you. It’s how you’re made!

Because rejection questions our need to belong, facing rejection causes us to second guess our self-esteem, our identity, the very core of WHO WE ARE. And here’s the interesting thing: the greatest damage that rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting the most, we go and damage it even further, by calling ourselves names and feeling disgusted and disappointed with ourselves. And in so doing, we create a vicious and self-fulfilling prophecy for ourselves: we start seeing ourselves as worthless, we show up as worthless, and then when the second and third and fourth rejection arrives, we affirm this belief as true and it is further cemented in our psyche.

STOP!!! Please stop this madness. You will destroy yourself if you pursue this line of reasoning!

Here’s a simple four-step rejection strategy that you can adopt starting today that is guaranteed to stop the cycle of doubt and start empowering you instead:

1.??????Get honest about the rejection

Become completely objective about the rejection. Were YOU rejected or was your offer rejected? In many cases, it was simply your offer that was rejected, it wasn’t your personhood. Let’s explore a few examples:

a) You are declined for a job opportunity.

When you applied for this job, you effectively made an offer. It basically boils down to: company has a problem (vacancy), and I have a solution (offer of employment). You then pitched your offer (job interview) and were subsequently declined. Does this mean that YOU were rejected, or your offer was rejected?

Think about it…

b) You were excluded from a social gathering.

You notice some friends of yours posting images on Facebook from a gathering that was held over the weekend, and you weren’t invited to it. Could it be that your offer of friendship has been declined?

c) You were asked to leave. (Be it an event, a group, a company, or any other tribe)

Let’s really max this example out: say you were at an event where you got rather inebriated and were asked to leave. Was it your personhood that was rejected, or was it your behaviour? And thus, by extension your offer.

2.??????Evaluate the rejection

Once you’ve become objective about WHAT was rejected, it’s important to evaluate whether you could have done anything differently to prevent the rejection. Let’s bring up those examples again and evaluate:

a) You are declined for a job opportunity.

Did you represent your solution to the company’s problem as effectively as possible? Is there anything you could have done differently? Is it about you, or is it in fact about them?

b) You were excluded from a social gathering.

Explore all the possible reasons you were not included. Be objective. Have you been a good friend? Are they the kinds of friends you want to surround yourself with? Life works both ways, and it’s important to evaluate purpose before becoming overwhelmed with rejection.

c) You were asked to leave.

If your behaviour was different, would you have been rejected? Was your behaviour acceptable? Is there anything you could have done differently?

3.??????Implement possible learning from the rejection

By asking ourselves honest questions and considering all the different perspectives when we evaluate the rejection, we can determine whether the rejection is an opportunity for learning or not. There is no obligation to implement a learning outcome here if you have followed steps 1 and 2 and not found cause for learning. But conversely, if there is an opportunity for learning, and you don’t pursue it, then it’s likely you will keep getting more of the same. Let’s check our examples again:

a) You are declined for a job opportunity.

If you feel like you could have represented your solution better, then get some coaching to make sure you know how to sell yourself. If, however you have represented yourself as well as you could have, maybe it’s not about you, but just about them. Let it go.

b) You were excluded from a social gathering.

Maybe you realised that you have been a bit distant from this group of friends lately, and that could be why they excluded you. What can you do to change this?

Or you could have realised that although they’re the only friends you have right now, they’re not really “your people”, so you decide to leave it.

c) You were asked to leave.

If it’s your habit to become drunk and disorderly, perhaps it’s time to reconsider the effect your behaviour has on people?

Alternatively, maybe you were on antibiotics at the time, the drink went to your head, and this is a total aberration. Make amends. Do what you need to do to make it right. (Note – I said make amends, not make excuses.)

4.??????GET BACK ON THE HORSE!

Realise and acknowledge that life is going to be full of rejection. If you take every instance of it personally and decide you are going to limit your exposure to it, you will become a recluse living in a mountain cave. It’s simply not possible to avoid rejection. Get yourself back out there, implement whatever learnings may be appropriate and go for gold. AGAIN. And again. And yet again. Don’t stop.

Life can be messy, ugly, painful, brutal, hurtful, and every negative emotion I could think of. But it can equally be beautiful, majestic, magical, rewarding, fulfilling, inspiring! Choose today to LIVE. And living means staring rejection down, getting real about it, and moving on.

Message me if you’re ready to embrace a dose of healthy rejection in your quest for fulfillment.?