Facing my demons

As a survivor of Child Abuse, Sexual Assault, and Incest, spending any time with my abusers has always been challenging.?Not only because they are the people that abused me, but because it just isn’t logical to want to return to that toxic atmosphere.

With the events in my life this year, I had a strong desire to return to my roots and reconnect with friends and family that I had intentionally been holding at an arm's length due to abuse, toxicity, and pain.?My husband’s suicide attempt shook me to the core, so I felt the need to be in familiar territory.

After countless hours of deep thought and prayer, mental preparation with my counselor, and a safety plan in place, I made a trek back east to Tennessee to visit my biological family for the first time in nearly 2 decades.?I was very apprehensive about seeing my parents because my mother and I have never gotten along.?I always felt as though she was jealous of me or flat out hated me in some way.?This feeling was only emphasized in 1987 when I came to her about what was happening under her own roof and she told me that I was only trying to destroy her family.?She was immediately demonized in my mind.?

My younger brother and I have always gotten along well, so I stayed with him and his wife while there.?He is the one family member that acknowledged what was happening and apologized for his part in it.?That validation was key to my ongoing relationship with him.

My father molested me repeatedly for years, being back in his presence could potentially make me feel revictimized.?In my childhood I had a recurring nightmare of a Werewolf dressed in a blue pinstripe business suit, with black patent leather shoes, carrying a briefcase in one hand and an ax in the other.?The counselor I had as a teenager explained to me that this was my brain's way of describing my father and the fear he instilled in me at the time.?He was the demon of my nightmares, however, I have always had a better relationship with him than my mom.?

The images of my demons were in my head as I traveled across the country.

The night I arrived, my brother, sister in law, her son, and I went to dinner with my parents, niece, and great nephew.?It was quite the experience for sure.?My anxiety was on high alert, but I kept it under wraps as well as I could.?Not only was the demon on my mind, but I was bracing myself for my mother’s expected attitude.

As I noticed that my parents had arrived, my heart started racing.?I didn’t wait for them to come inside, instead, I met them out in the parking lot.??I hugged my father first, then my niece, and as I was looking at her, the first words out of my mother’s mouth broke my heart.?She said, “So, you don’t love your mother?”?All I could think was “oh boy, here we go!”?

It was a proximity issue.?My dad was in front of me, my niece was beside me, my mom was standing back with my brother.?They were closer to me; she was further away.?I swear, the woman intentionally makes me bat shit crazy.?As expected, my mother was being her usual self.?After all these years, she hadn’t changed a bit.?My being away hadn’t made any difference at all, she had not one iota of a clue of how her words and actions affect me.?

I went in for a hug, said “Hi mom, I love you,” and we all went inside.

She spent the entire time we were in the restaurant nitpicking at my great nephew about his hair, constantly telling him he needed a haircut.?When he didn’t respond to her, she started addressing my niece saying, “he needs a haircut.”?At one point I asked my mom if she was offering to do it herself right there and then.?I really wanted to tell her to back the fuck off, but we were in public, and it was supposed to be a joyous occasion.?I wasn’t going to spoil it just because she was trying to.?

We ended the evening with our goodbyes, and I was incredibly relieved to be going home with my brother and sister-in-law.?At least there is zero judgment of me in their house.?Unfortunately for the first time in quite a while, I had a bad nightmare.?I don’t remember all of the details, mostly because I don’t want to remember.??I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified, of what, I am not sure.?I had fully expected my mother to set me off going in, so it didn’t surprise me.?She is one of the few people in the world that affects me that way.?I have always sought her love and approval and to this day have never received it.

Thankfully I had many joyous moments on this trip with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece to balance everything out.?There were days filled with love, laughter, bonding, and plain silly fun.?You know, the kind that instantly heals your soul.?It made my heart feel so good and was incredibly welcoming.?I needed this trip so much after the events of the past year.

My visit ended with another family dinner in honor of my birthday, thankfully on neutral ground again.?The location was very elegant and I was excited to go, I had never been to a Yacht and Country Club before.?Everything went perfectly until the very last minute as I was saying goodbye to my folks, my mother came at me with both barrels.?She has this way of breaking me down with little to no effort, I immediately felt attacked.?Of all the things she could have said or done in that moment, she chose to ask me how much I weighed.?My heart sank.?

I didn’t get a “happy birthday,” “so glad I got to see you,” or “have a safe trip back home.”?I didn’t even get an “I love you.”?Instead she chose to judge and condemn me once again.?I am already very self conscious about my weight.?I have been struggling with weight issues my entire life and have been working hard on getting healthier over the last year.?After having several months of deep pain, I had hoped things would be different.

I tried to respond with respect, however, without giving her the satisfaction of a direct answer.?She pressed on and I repeated the same words I had said previously.?When she continued to press, I told her it was none of her damn business, that I loved her, and I walked away.?That will be my final conversation with her.?It makes me sad that she still can’t be a loving and supportive mother to me.?Over the years I have been envious of girlfriends that have amazing relationships with their mothers.?Oftentimes I have wondered where I went wrong with mine, as if it was my job to encourage and foster the relationship.?Which one of us is the child??I will no longer be a peacekeeper.?I will no longer placate anyone just to maintain a status quo.?I am resigned to stop chasing that dream.

On my journey to face my demons one last time, I have learned that I will never get what I seek from my mom, her love and approval.?I gave it one last shot by traveling across the country to see my family again and it backfired in my face.?I received exactly what I always have, judgment and condemnation.?I am still glad that I made the trek, I needed the bonding with my other family members to heal my hurting heart.

While in Tennessee I made the choice not to allow my parent’s in on my current life status.?My father only asked about my husband once and I gave him a very vague response.?My habit of keeping them at a distance will continue.?It is just safer that way.

I have spent the past few months challenging myself to go outside of my comfort zone and face my fears.?So far I have come out on the other side wiser, stronger, and much more confident.?Just like a cat, I always land on my feet.?My advice to other survivors, please, don’t ever give up on yourself.?I know how easy that is to do, because I have been there so many times myself.?In those moments it may feel hard, maybe even insurmountable, but if you give yourself a chance, and have some faith in yourself, you will make it through to the other side.

Don’t listen to the negative self talk going on in your head.?You can silence that voice by focusing on the positives in your life.?For me, it has been my adult boys and the pure joy they bring me.?I think about their hugs, smiles, and laughter, and I instantly feel better.?Find something that brings you joy, and do more of it.?You will find yourself not only in a better headspace, but also your circumstances will begin to change for the better.

We all have our own demons to face and fight.?You are not alone.

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.