F*&# your judgments and expectations

People judge. We all do, myself included. We are judging machines. You might even have some judgements of the title I chose...or the image. They might sound like:

• "I wouldn't have used those words"
• "I'm glad someone is talking about this"
• "How unprofessional"
• [insert judgement statement]

Your expectations of how things should be, create varying degrees of suffering.

I'm talking about mental and emotionally suffering here. The highly unpleasant reactions we experience like: stress, irritation, angst, anxiety, disappointment, guilt, shame and so on. These reactions can lead to disagreement, conflict, tension, betrayal, avoidance, miscommunication and so much more.

Why should you care?

• If you want to have an amazing relationship with yourself, others and life unfolding around you, releasing the death grip on your expectations is one way to do so.
• If you want more peace, ease and grace in your life and relationships, letting go of your expectations is an access point.
• You have an opportunity to cultivate greater empathy and compassion for yourself and others.

But don't just take my word for it, read on and I'll walk you through a thought experiment you can try on at the end.

If you like suffering, that's cool too. To each their own. I'm just here to remind you there's another way

NOTE: In this article, judgments and expectations are synonymous. Don't judge me (or whatever - do you).

Judgments seem to occur in three ways:

1. Judgment of ourselves: "I'm stupid"; "I can't believe I said that"
2. Judgment of others: "They're stupid"; "I can't believe they said that"
3. Judgment of what's happening (situations and experiences): "This is stupid"; "I can't believe this is happening"

?? Which one do you kick ass at? How does it sound for you?

For me, it's judgment of others. Usually, some version of "I wouldn't have done that" or "I wouldn't talk to myself that way". Not that I live in judgement, because if I did my coaching clients would notice and not show up in the vulnerable, authentic and honest ways in which they do. For me, it's just a passing thought, but it's usually my first thought. What follows is typically curiosity, which is incredibly generative and helpful in my work.

Secondly, it's judging myself. This level of judgment is significantly less than it used to be because of how invested I am in my own personal and spiritual development and healing. It still pops up from time to time, but the intensity is reduced. I'm so proud that I've remembered how to love myself. ?? ??

What I rarely judge in a negative way are situations. I literally look to the immediate gift or lesson to be gleaned from a situation no matter what's happening. Granted, I've trained my brain to look at things this way over a period of time. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel annoyed when the shower drain is clogged because it's backed up with my partners long hair. ??

If you say you don't judge, you're not being 100% honest with yourself. That's fine for now, but you're really missing out on an opportunity to learn more about yourself whenever you're ready.

Here's the deal...We can learn to fully accept whatever is happening right here, right now...or not. When we resist what it, we tend to generate mental and emotional suffering. What's more is that if we act from this place, it can lead to the mental and emotional suffering of others when we project it onto them.

When we resist what it, we tend to generate mental and emotional suffering

How does one create this suffering?

By placing expectations of how you think you should be, others should be or what should be happening around you. Basically, take a 'should' on everything. ??

Here's an story about how I was doing it…

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I studied Sociology and Political Science in my undergrad and earned a Masters in Business. Through this learning journey, I learned a lot about how macro level systems in the US function in order to create the society we live in today. It's quite epic actually. That said, I become disenfranchised by the way things were and wanted to change them. 

I was upset by so many things…profit driven capitalism, this history of money, our legal system and how it protects the wealthy, the history of colonization, slavery, ongoing war, poverty, individuals freely handing over their personal sovereignty, the list goes on.

Simply put, this led to a lot of suffering over many years, which I coped with in a variety of ways from drinking, smoking pot, serial dating and overeating (to name a few vices).

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?? What vices do you fall back on when you're suffering?

SIDE NOTE: This year, I've come into the realization that the only way to resolve the issues that plague our society are for each individual person to choose the kind of world they want to live in and change how they show up in the world to facilitate this change. When enough individuals do this, we reach a tipping point and things will change. Now, I realize this is a hypothesis, but we've tried to solve the world's problems generation after generation to no avail. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is insanity - per Einstein anyway). So, there's got to be another way. There's always another way.)

?? Thought experiment

I'm going to give you a scenario followed by some questions. Reflect on each question, one at a time.

Scenario: You see a parent furiously screaming at what appears to be their child, effectively berating them.

• What emotions do you imagine you'd feel?
• What would you be saying to yourself about the parent in the moment?
• What would you be thinking about later in the day as you reflected on the experience
• What memories did it trigger?
• What emotions came up related to the memories?
• What judgments did you have of yourself, others or the situation related to the memories?

An experience like this one could trigger many layers of judgement. I've witnessed this scenario before and it's gone something like:

I feel scared. I judge myself for feeling scared. Then I feel disappointment towards the parent and embarrassed for the child. Then I feel sad for the parent. I tell myself, "I wouldn't do that" and "if only they knew how this was going to impact their child". I'm judging. I get curious and wonder what's going on with that parent that they're resorting to yelling. I feel empathy and compassion because I remember that hurt people, hurt people. It triggers memories of when I was yelled at as a child. I feel peace where I used to feel anger. Then I remember how much I love my parents - they were doing the best they knew how. Then I remember that each person is on their own journey of evolution.

I could have reacted and yelled at the parent. I could have judged myself for not saying something. I could have ruminated on how people are cruel and the world if f'ed up. But, this would be suffering. If I have a choice, I choose not to suffer.

I choose what's on the other side every time: PEACE. That's what's available for you. More peace and greater ease. The ability to go with the flow. This doesn't mean you lack boundaries or are a pushover. And I'm not talking about setting expectations and holding people accountable to them - this is necessary in certain context. I'm talking about you getting emotionally triggered or judging when something or someone doesn't meet your expectations.

Things won't happen how or when we think they should. Do they ever? Then why do we go about our lives thinking maybe this time it'll go exactly as planned? The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can focus on what's within your realm of control which is really only how you respond to what's happening in front of you.

F*&# your judgements and expectations.

You have options when slipping into judgement:

• Acknowledge them. Express them. And let them go.
• Choose empathy
• Choose compassion
• Choose curiosity

If you're curious to explore this more deeply, schedule a complimentary discovery coaching session with me.

Much love and respect ?????

(A lot of what I explored in this article comes from my experience in the Positive Intelligence program I'm wrapping up the last week in. I highly recommend it.)