With Eyes Shut Through Open Doors

CORINTHIANS I : 4 : 13 Copy right December 15 1998

To be totally honest , I was aware of everything . Every action, every movement, every ill thought - I mean everything. Still I was powerless to stop it . And why would I want to. I mean besides how it looked later it was the first time in weeks I was free from that world. Free of that horrible world of crippling pain and blinding fear. No one should ever have to live in that world.

No one. Ever.

Mom always said I was pretty. She told me that being pretty was God’s special gift to young girls. She said that being beautiful was like having the keys to the doors of opportunity. She never warned me that some doors should remain closed.

I never did too well at school. My teachers all said I was too busy day dreaming, that I was unfocused with no long term goals, but who wants long term goals when they’re young. I wanted to day dream, of true love and far off adventures. Nothing unusual for a young girl, especially one has pretty as I was. At seventeen men were already opening doors and offering me their worlds. I dropped out of high school as soon as I could.

My parents both bitched about it. Mom cried and said I was going to ruin my life and Dad just stared into the wall. When they caught me smoking several weeks later you would have thought I murdered some one. Like it was some big deal, I mean they both smoked like exhaust pipes. They were such hypocrites. They told me I had to get a job and start paying rent. So I ran away.

The first time Dad found me. He must be part bloodhound. I was clear on the other side of town staying with this guy I had met in a park.

His name was Barry and he wore this necklace made from animal bones. He was on this permanent welfare thing because he had convinced everyone he was crazy. I had just gotten high on acid for the first time when Dad kicked in the apartment door.

Dad went ballistic. I was wearing my panties but from the look in Dad’s eyes you would have thought I was fucking every guy in the room. When Barry’s two friends tried to get in the way, my wonderful father kicked the shit out of them. Barry ran and hid in the wash-room. Dad threw one of the guy’s sleeping bags around me before I could grab my clothes and carried me out to the car. He drove me to the hospital where they shot me full of sedatives.

My first trip on acid was pretty much a bummer.

The next time it was the cops who brought me home. They picked me up when they caught me smoking a joint with one of the working girls on the drag. Those asshole cops lied. They told my folks I was trying to turn tricks and Mom went crazy. I think Dad actually cried and then to show how guilty he felt he locked me in my room. But you know what they say, “third time lucky”. When I ran away this time no one found me.

I guess I might wish some one had now.

I had learned how to look pathetic and I was still pretty so I had no trouble begging for change. After several hours I always had enough for food and a couple of joints. As far as a place to sleep went, well Mom was right about my looks opening doors for me. Lots of guys were willing to open their doors for me. Sure I had to fuck a few of them, but I could pretty much choose which ones.

That’s how it was when I met John.

John was a couple of years older than me and knew the street better than anyone I had ever met. John sold drugs and I met him when I bought a couple of joints off him one day. He kept staring at me as he rolled me a couple of pinners out of this bag. When I tried to hand him a fiver for them he handed it back and said I was too beautiful to pay.

John never sold the hard stuff and he never carried to much at one time. That was in case the cops ever caught him. They never would though. John knew how to stay one step ahead of them. He was real careful, never selling on the street, always going into the alleys. John lived on the edge, a real adventurer.

John was built lean like a cat with a smooth chest, a wicked grin and the most beautiful eyes, bright blue beneath soft brown hair. I could look into those eyes forever. No one else had eyes like John. He was real romantic too, saying how pretty and sexy I was. Soon I knew what true love felt like.

John bought me a see-through teddy and sometimes I would wear it when people came over to score. John liked seeing them get all bug-eyed and horny when they saw me like that and I enjoyed letting them know they could never have me. I was only for John. He was like some sort of king holding court over the other kids and I was the unobtainable queen ruling at his side.

One day Barry with the animal bone necklace came by. He was kind of surprised to see me and I could tell by the way he glanced at my tits he still wanted me. Barry knew I was off limits though, especially if he wanted to score, so instead he tried to throw a rock in the works. He told John about how my father had kidnapped me from his place.

That was the first I knew John had a hand gun.

John pulled out the small revolver and waived it around in Barry’s face. Barry seemed awed by the gun, just staring at it. I didn’t care to look at it, I mostly just remember what John said.

“ If that old man tries to take Chloe away from me, I’ll shoot his fuckin’ eyes out ! “

I knew he didn't mean it though. John would probably have just shot Dad some place where it would hurt a lot, you know, so that he would learn to leave us alone. Despite the fact I didn't want to see him any more, I loved my father and I was sure John had to know that.

Things were wonderful back then, and they should have stayed that way. Except John wanted more for me. He dreamed of taking me to fine restaurants, buying me new CDs or perhaps flowers on occasion. John even talked of taking me out of the country, to Brazil or some place in Central America to escape the winters. All much more than he could afford as a street dealer. It was for me that he was doing it, scoring big and selling it off. He really loved me.

John moved past his drug supplier to some one bigger, some one who sold larger amounts of pot. I didn't know him then but his name was Mike and John would go meet him at one of those hard rock bars where I couldn't get in. He was real old, like in his thirties. He offered to front John. That’s like lending him the drugs in exchange for money later.

John took a pound and a half of high grade hydro-pot. John said it was no problem to move that much, he said he could make all his friends richer too. I believed him. I just saw another door John would open for me. Another world to be offered. It turned into a horrible, awful world.

First off, you can’t entirely blame John, though everyone will. John had to front out most of the pot we scored. It was the quickest and best way to sell it. Trouble was, most of John’s so called friends started screwing up. Maybe they smoked too much or maybe they made some unwise choices in who they fronted to. A couple of guys even got busted and as a result John couldn't collect all that was owed to him.

We may have been able to cover some of the loss but John bought some rock cocaine with part of the estimated profits. I guess I should admit my own fault. I sort of turned into a coconut too for awhile. Once we stayed awake for three days just staying high. Then we slept in each others arms for a whole day. It was real romantic in that ‘Sid and Nancy’ way.

Of course eventually Mike wanted his money. John gave him what he could and decided to steal the rest. He still owed nearly two grand and he figured that if he could rob several places that had lots of cash, like a fancy restaurant or a bar, he could make it up quickly. After all he had a gun. No one says no with a gun in their face. They wouldn’t know he wasn’t serious.

John never got past the first robbery.

The plan was real simple. John would go into the bar and approach the till. I would wait outside and watch for trouble like the cops. If they showed up I was to bang on the window so John would have a warning and then he would make a break for the rear exit.

Oh God John, I am so sorry.

They said they thought something looked suspicious and that’s why they went into the bar, but I think those cops were drinking on the job. As soon as I saw their car I froze. When they got out of the car I panicked and ran away. I had betrayed my true love, left him for the cops. When I think of that I think maybe I deserved what happened later.

John didn't try and shoot it out thankfully. I watched from across the street, crying and feeling sick to my stomach as they placed him in the squad car and took him away from me.

After that things went bad.

John called from the Remand Centre the next morning. I was crying, I felt so bad. I hadn't helped him and begged his forgiveness.

“Damn it Chloe, I'm in jail ! What the hell do you think you can do about it ? I need money for bail and lawyers and stuff, a lot of money. Where the hell do you think you can get that ? Daddy’s just going to give it to you too get me out of jail. Not likely ! “ He sounded angry but I knew he was just scared. “ I love you Chloe. Your going to have to tell Mike what happened. See if he can wait for his money. “

John gave me Mike’s pager number and with in an hour he called me back. I tried to explain it reasonably to him over the phone but he got angry. Said he had just bought a new motorcycle, a Harley, and John had fucked up his payments. I tried to tell him it was partly my fault and he got quiet. He said he would think of something and hung up. Two days later Mike showed up at the door.

I didn't know who he was so I didn't let him in. John had never let me meet him and he sounded different on the phone. Mike just pounded on the door and said things like “ Open the door you slut ! “ I thought that he was a cop at first but then he started talking about John. He said that if I didn't open the door he would “Let John’s ass rot in jail.” Mike said John was a goof and he’d never get out alive unless I let him in.

I opened the door.

Mike was there, he was huge. Tall with long hair and a goatee beard. His eyes hid behind a pair of John Lennon glasses and there was a weird glint in them. Mike wasn't alone.

As soon as Mike introduced her she wouldn't stop walking back and forth and talking. Her name was Chantelle and she was centrefold gorgeous and dressed real sophisticated. It was like she was full of positive energy the way she acted. She started off by telling me how pretty I was and how much fun I was going to have. I was going to eat in fine restaurants and wear expensive clothes. I didn't have a clue what she was going on about.

“ What do you mean, what are you saying ? “ The way she kept walking back and forth it was like talking to a blur. Mike looked at me funny. He gave a weird sort of choking laugh. Then he said something awful.

“ Chantelle’s a pimp kid. She’s gonna whore your ass for your boyfriends debts.”

There it was. A door swung wide open. A door to a dark room, a silent , empty space. A door no one prepared me to go through.

Chantelle kept walking back and forth between the window and the end of the couch. Suddenly that positive energy seemed more like nervousness and she began trying to shine a light into the dark corners.

“ She’s not a whore, “ she told Mike “she’s an escort.” Then to me “ I run an agency for some of Mike’s friends. “

All of a sudden everything seemed different. I felt like I was leaving this world for another one. I glanced around the room looking for something that wasn't there.. A door I could run through, to escape and get away. I felt a tremble along my spine and a world of fear began to grow. Chantelle stopped at the end of the couch.

“ You look awfully young. You are eighteen right ? “ her hand rose to her face and her head moved to the side. She looked at me like she was a scientist and I was a germ.

The word came out of my mouth with out any control. I whispered “ No “. What I meant was, no I didn't want to do this. No, leave me alone. No, let me go through the door and away from this. No I can’t. Not ever. Mike quickly shut what ever door I could escape to.

“ Come on ‘Telle, she can do those special customers. The ones that like ‘em young. “ he snorted that laugh. Chantelle gave me that scientist look again.

“She doesn't look quite young enough. We’ll have to fix her up. She’s not tall and her chest is small, with the proper clothes and make up we can make her look a very mature thirteen.”

Some where the strength came to speak. Like grasping at a key to a difficult lock, I spoke “ You can’t be serious. This can’t be real.”

“Very real. “ Mike said “ and we are getting you some work clothes today. “ Quickly he began to pace like Chantelle had. “ You’ll do what Chantelle says. You’ll fuck these guys. You’ll suck their fat greasy cocks. You’ll do it and like it. And then when Johnny’s debt is clear, you’ll get a whack of cash to free him. Quit then if you want to but for now you belong to us..”

The fear grew, the door to a horrible world was open. Again I whispered “No”.

“You have too. Johnny’s gonna have his butt reamed unless you start working.” Mike smiled and laughed that sickly cough of a laugh. “You do love him right.”

I remembered how I had betrayed John. Froze when he needed me. The thought hit me real hard. Oh I did love John. Some how I nodded yes.

“That’s real sweet Chloe. Don’t worry though, guess who gets to be your first trick ?” His eyes were so scary, shining through his round glasses. “ And just to make sure you don’t get any ideas like running away, I am going shopping with you two.” and with that I was pushed through the doorway of an awful world.

We left the apartment and into Mike’s truck. They made me sit in the middle, away from the doors. I tried to control my fear, I didn't want them to know how scared I really was. I knew I was going to have to be tough, stronger than I ever was. As strong as John. It didn't work.

My body shook and trembled the entire way.

Mike drove us to an up-scale department store down town. Chantelle then led us to the children’s clothing department and began choosing an outfit. It was a terrible thing she did. Chantelle would hold up some kids clothes to me, look at me with those scientist eyes and say things like, “ Not virginal enough “ or “No, too old, like your in high school.” She finally picked out a bright yellow dress with blue highlights. “Now this is perfect. Your obviously over ten but under fourteen.”

“ Yah,” Mike said “ Roman Polanski’s dream date.” Then he laughed his coughing laugh. ” Let’s go pay for them and then I want you to put them on. I can’t wait to do a twelve year old legally.” He laughed again and pinched my bottom so hard it hurt.

Chantelle paid for the clothes and then we all went to the trendy food court on the main floor. Mike sent Chantelle and I into the wash-room so I could change into my uniform. As I changed Chantelle kept asking if I’lld ever thought of having sex with another women and how much she wanted to lick my ass. God, they were both so sick. My entire person felt filled with this fear. I felt myself panicking and yet strangely I had stopped shaking and looked calm.

As we left the washroom I saw Mike sitting on the other side of the food court in the smoking section. Chantelle passed me , pulled out a cigarette and rushed to sit down and light it. They had left a door open, an exit from this world of fear I was now in. I ran for it.

I let that fear move me. I ran faster than I thought I had ever run before. Not even looking back to see if Mike was chasing me, though I knew he was. I could see the afternoon sun shining through the revolving door ahead of me. People outside were waiting for the bus. They would see Mike chasing me. Those people would help me. I made it to the revolving door. I entered inside it. So did Mike, right behind me.

The turning of the door stopped. That terrible world of fear, that waking nightmare kept on spinning forward.

Mike snarled over top of me, his over-sized hand pawed the back of my head, pushing my face into the door’s glass. I felt a sharp pain in my nose and heard something inside my head snap. People waiting for the bus must have heard or sensed something and nearly all of them turned their heads to look. My eyes went wide open and I stared at them, searching for help. The fear inside me began to cause pain in the bottom of my stomach. I screamed.

“ Thought you could get away slut ? “ Mike’s hands grabbed me all over. I felt him lift up the back of my yellow dress. It seems impossible that I would hear Mike’s fly go down, with all his shouting and my screaming, but I did. There was no room to turn around, to fight back, it was like my face was glued to the glass. The people outside were bathed in the sun light but my cry for help seemed lost in the dark. Tears filled my eyes but I could still see them , all those people, staring and unmoving.

Then Mike began and the pain in my nose seemed smaller than the pain that began much lower.

What was wrong with these people? Couldn't they hear me ? Couldn't they see me ? They had to know what was happening. Didn't they know how scared I was, how much pain I was in ? Why wouldn't they help me ?

Mike continued . His sick laugh, all around me, filling the small glass space.

People turned their heads away and stared off into the street, staring at an imaginary bus.

An old lady with gray eyes stared right into my face. She saw through the tears, through my eyes, into my pain and fear. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a sandwich, turned her head away and began to eat.

One of those bike courier guys was riding by and glanced over at me. I pounded the glass uselessly with my one free arm. I was screaming with tears for help.

He stopped. I began to feel hope. Release from the doors. He didn't do anything. He just stayed there, on his bike, watching me be raped, like it was some sick show. I looked directly into his eyes and looking for compassion, I managed one last cry for help. It came out like a breath of air and all he did was grin at me. He smiled ! He looked right into my eyes and felt nothing but amusement. A few other people turned back to look with quick glances. Some thing inside, at the heart of my soul, began to collapse. I fell apart. It was only Mike’s arms that held me up.

“ Looks like we got an audience . “ Mike said coldly. Then he screamed that sickly laugh of his and I felt his awful pleasure release itself inside me.

Mike pulled me out of the doors and back into the mall. I saw that Chantelle had been covering the door from the inside. People must have watched from there as well. Watched. Not helped. No one had moved as much as a finger. Nobody had cared at all what had happened to me.

Chantelle covered me with her brown jacket and Mike half pulled, half carried me in a daze through one of the other stores to another exit. Chantelle, following behind us, kept telling me over and over how stupid and wrong I had just been.

It felt like fear and pain had replaced what had fallen apart in the revolving doors.

When they got me home, Mike took off my dress and yelled at me about how he would have to get it dry cleaned. My nose had bled over the front and Mike had soiled the back. Chantelle was to stay over and make sure I didn’t do anything stupid again. I was too weak to resist. As soon as Mike left, Chantelle raped me as well.

I suppose in some way I should be thankful. None of the ‘dates’ I had after seemed as horrible as all that. I think it made it easier.

Soon I was working almost every night. Two, sometimes as many as four ‘dates’ an evening. Chantelle tried to help me through it. She acted like some sort of mother hen, always having drugs or booze on hand at the end of the night. Of course that bitch always charged me for it. On a slow night I sometimes wouldn't make any money at all afterwards. That’s why it took a little longer to pay off John’s debt and help Mike make John’s bail. And there was still rent and shit to pay.

John, my wonderful lover. I would dream of what it would be like when he got out of Remand. He would hold me to his smooth chest, look at me with those beautiful blue eyes and whisper how much he loved me. I wouldn't have to have any more ‘dates’. He’d vow to look after me. Then we would just lie there, holding each other. It was a marvellous dream.

There was also a horrible dream.

Mike would be raping me. From somewhere a spot light would shine on us as in the surrounding darkness these strange eyes would stare and grin. Some times it would be John’s deep blue eyes that stared through the blackness and when that happened I would stop everything. I would become like a statue, unable to move except to run. Run through the door into that world of crippling pain and awful fear. The worst part was that I didn’t need to sleep to have this dream.

When it happened once during a ‘date’, I ran away. Mike found me and raped and beat me again. He said it was so I’ll be more afraid of him than some stupid memory. He didn’t understand.

Still, in a just over a month I had earned enough money to pay Mike what he said John and I owed him and one afternoon Chantelle called to tell me John was getting out of Remand. Mike would pick him up and bring him over. She also told me that Mike had told John how I had got the money. I panicked. I had been telling John that I had been dealing so he wouldn't worry. Chantelle used her mother hen voice on me. She told me that I shouldn't worry. John understood what I had been doing and he still loved me.

Other girls who worked had boyfriends.

John didn't say much when he walked through the door. He held me and kissed me, said I still looked real sexy, though I hadn't been eating well, and how much he wanted to fuck me.“ I've been locked up Chloe, “ he said “ I've got those jail house blue balls.”

John began to undress me. I looked into his eyes to see if it was really him and felt swept away in a sea of blue. It was John. Those were his eyes.

Then something strange happened. John spent hardly any time looking after me. I mean , some of my ‘dates’ were better. As he lay on top of me, inside me, he whispered in my ear. “ Thanks Chloe. Thanks baby. Thanks for selling your ass for me. I’m really glad you decided to do it. We’re gonna need money Chloe, so I know you won’t mind working for Chantelle some more. She says your really good at it and I’m so proud of you. “

Suddenly the fear took over. The pain slammed into me like an out of control car. I couldn't breathe, my eyes couldn't focus and my stomach began turning and twisting itself tighter and tighter. I felt as if the world was watching John and I.. Grinning , laughing, enjoying our sex. Amused at our love. I couldn't run, I couldn't hide. I was in that horrible world of crippling pain and blinding fear. An evil world.

I looked in John’s eyes, eyes like no one else’s and I knew instantly what had happened. This thing on top of me wasn't John. It looked like John even sounded like him, but it wasn't John. It had John’s eyes though. Some how it had stolen John’s eyes. And with that knowledge all my pain, all my fear, that entire horrible world disappeared.

I giggled at the John-thing. I raised my lips to it’s left ear lobe and sucked it in between my teeth. I asked if it wanted me to tie it up on the bed. The John-thing nodded it’s John head quickly and grinned a very un-John like smile.

I secured the John-thing to the bed frame with belts and scarves. The thing complained for a second that it was tied up too tightly. Placing my finger to it’s lips, I silenced it and smiled sweetly. I hated this thing that had stolen my lover’s eyes.

I got up off the bed and left the John-thing lying there calling my name. I giggled, told it I had a surprise and went into the kitchen. Opening a drawer I grabbed a long thin knife. I hid the knife behind my back and strolled through the bedroom door.

I climbed on top of the John-thing and pulled out the knife from behind me. The thing began to scream and plead with me but I had learned to be strong. I didn't even listen. I would get John’s eyes back. When my lover came back he would need his eyes. Those beautiful bright blue eyes.

Holding the head still with some hidden strength, I began too cut them out. The John-thing fought the scarves and belts that bound it but it was useless for it to even try. I thought there would be more blood than there was. It pooled up in the thing’s empty sockets and crept onto the bed by it’s head.

I placed the eyes in a glass by the bed as the thing kept on yelling. I went into the living room and turned the stereo on real loud to cover the creatures screams. Eventually the cops showed up.

I told the cops what happened but they didn’t understand. They just looked at me all wide eyed. The first one to the bedroom couldn’t move at all when he got there. He stood, his jaw just hanging, his mouth open. He looked so funny I started to laugh.

After awhile they took me to the hospital. The doctors placed me in this room with this big butch nurse to watch me. They wouldn't let me keep John’s eyes but the doctors said they would look after them.

My dad came to visit that night and the doctors filled his head with stuff. They told dear father that one day I would know what I had done. I knew what I had done, those silly men. Something had stolen John’s eyes and I had stolen them back. That was all there was to it.

You see if that thing was John that would mean the door I passed through was real. That means it was a door now closed forever. That would mean I was trapped in that awful horrible world for good. That horrible world of crippling pain and blinding fear. And no one should ever have to live in that world.

No one. Ever.