Eye on the prize...Eye on the process

"Eye on the prize..."

That's how I spent the majority of my life.

Recently, however, I have had some incredible personal breakthroughs around this idea and a new way to look at it.

The first was through some mental trash I held onto about myself for some time that frustrated me about myself.

I get triggered when I think someone is trying to make me feel stupid or at least I choose to feel stupid based on what they said.

I HATE feeling stupid.

It's driven me in great ways and held me back in incredible ways.

I didn't understand where it came from but through my work with Adult Development Theory and working with some incredibly smart people I was able to discover the genesis of this mental trash.

Growing up, I had lots of experiences with peers and adults who made fun of me in a specific way... that I was expected to just know things.

"How do you not know how to make a bed properly?"

"How do you not know what the dewey decimal system is?"

"How do you not know you don't where white socks with black dress shoes?"

And I remember thinking "when was I taught these things? How come I don't know this but everyone else does?"

Then if I tried to ask about it, the knowledge was dangled over me "I can't believe you don't know this, HA, everyone knows this... Hey X can you believe Arel doesn't know this?" and so on and so forth.

So I thought, ok, there are clearly things everyone else knows that for some reason I don't, and I guess the only logical solution here is that I'm an idiot. And if I don't know something I clearly should I should shut my mouth about it to protect myself.

So in certain areas this drove me to learn and become great at my craft... Public speaking being my most beloved craft.

But it held me back in lots of areas because by keeping my eye on the prize, I focused on WHAT I wanted to get vs WHO I was becoming in the process.

And until I was great at something, I felt like a failure.

Until I made X dollars, I was a loser.

Until I drove a luxury car I was a fraud.

Until I owned a nice home, I was a sucker.

And so on and so on.

And I felt like if I didn't know or have something, that I felt like I SHOULD already know or have by now, I clammed up. I shut myself out and would rather suffer in silence than risk being made fun of or asking for help in certain areas.

What I've discovered through my work within Adult Development Theory is that instead of just keeping my eye on the prize...

I need to keep my eye on the PROCESS.

Eye on the process of how I'm showing up to others, how I work, how I'm efficient & how I'm not, how I seek help and how I manage when I'm feeling uncomfortable, especially at this age.

By keeping an eye on the process I can observe when I feel triggered by what people say to me.

And I can see those moments now are actually incredible opportunities to learn more about myself... Meaning I would only be triggered if there was an insecurity in me about what was causing me to be triggered. And to deep dive on that feeling and see if it's really true or made up in my head. (I'm discovering it's pretty much all just made up in my head btw.)

By keeping an eye on the process, I might discover WHO I become is infinitely more valuable than WHAT I obtain.

Today, I spoke with one friend who was diagnosed with cancer unexpectedly (and has since recovered B'H) and another who got hit by a car (he's ok B'H) ... it helped galvanize the idea of how precious life is and how important the process or "the journey" truly is. Because the final destination can come quickly or unexpectedly. And the process is most of what life is made up of.

As I continue on my journey, I will manage both keeping my eye on the prize AND keeping my eye on the process because maybe just maybe the process is actually the prize.