An Expression of Deep Pain, Love, and Faith

In moments of profound loss and heartache, it’s difficult to find the words that truly capture the depth of one’s emotions. These words from scripture, "I will keep you in perfect peace when your mind is with Me," have become my guiding light in these dark times, a source of strength when everything else feels like it's falling apart.

As I navigate this silence, the longing to reach out to you consumes me. I want so desperately to tell you how much I miss you, to pour my heart out, but I know that I can’t. I’ve been blocked from every avenue of communication with you, yet my prayers for you never cease. Every minute, every second of my life, I carry you with me in my prayers.

I pray for your health, for your peace, and for your happiness. I ask God to protect you, to bring comfort to your heart, and to fill your days with joy. Even if I’m no longer a part of your world, you are still the center of mine. When I see your car parked on the street, when I catch a glimpse of you at the temple, or when I see you walking down the street, my heart breaks all over again. But in those moments, I hold onto the quiet reverence of your presence, because I know that’s what you want, and the last thing I ever wish to do is cause you more pain.

So, I hurt myself emotionally, I carry the burden of this distance, and I wait—waiting for a day when you might understand the depth of my regret, the intensity of my love, and the extent of the pain I endure in silence. Even though you may not hear my words, I know God does. I trust Him, with Tawakkul, believing that He is guiding both of our paths.

You once told me that what is written, Maktub, will come to pass. I hold onto those words, and I trust in the will of God, knowing that if we are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. I continue to have faith that He will make us one again, just as you said. Until that day, I will remain steadfast in my prayers for you—praying for your peace, your comfort, and your happiness.

But even as I pray, I cannot deny the deep pain that consumes me. Losing your presence feels as though my entire world has collapsed. The things I once cherished, the purpose I once had, seem lost without you. It’s as if my very identity has been torn apart, and there’s no way to piece it back together. I catch fleeting glimpses of myself in the moments I see you from afar, but those glimpses only serve to remind me of the emptiness left behind by your absence.

The wounds left on my heart from this profound loss run deeper than any physical injury. There is no quick remedy, no instant healing that can soothe this kind of pain. It’s a relentless ache, a pain that lives within me day after day. Even as I try to explain it to others, I find it impossible to fully convey the depth of my suffering.

This is not just a fleeting moment of sadness—it is a continuous, deep, and all-encompassing pain. It’s the pain of losing someone who meant everything to me. Every breath I take reminds me of what I’ve lost, and it’s as though I am living in a constant shadow of what could have been.

I understand that I may have hurt you, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I never intended to cause you pain, but I realize now that my actions have contributed to the distance between us. I am truly remorseful for the mistakes I made, for the ways in which I may have failed you. But despite it all, my love for you remains. It’s unwavering and constant, even in the midst of this separation.

It’s difficult to make someone understand this kind of emotional suffering, especially when we are no longer connected. My heart aches, not just because of the distance between us, but because of the overwhelming love I still hold for you. Even though we are apart, I continue to love you with everything I have. My love is not conditional on proximity—it exists beyond time, space, and circumstance.

I know that it’s hard for you to hear me right now, and perhaps even harder for you to understand the depth of my pain. But I hope that, in time, you will come to see how much you still mean to me, how much I’ve changed, and how sorry I truly am. I don’t expect you to forgive me easily, but I hope that one day, you will understand the depth of my love and my regret.

Until then, I will continue to pray for you. I will continue to ask God to guide us both on the paths we are meant to walk, trusting that He knows what’s best for us. I have true belief that we will be together again. I trust that He will help you see my sincerity and love, and in time, you will believe in us once more. He is guiding me to become the person you expected and deserved, and I believe that’s why this painful scenario unfolded—to help me understand your true value. It’s Maktub—what is written.