Exposing The Wounded Healer

I want to come out and share with you that…

There’s a reason I’m,

1. so passionate about helping the specific type of women I work with (driven, ambitious, struggling with balancing it all), AND
2. there’s a reason I’m so good at it…

I AM those women.

I struggle with the same things.

And while on one level this is wildly obvious ?? - on another level, one of the traits of the women I work with, (and myself!) is that we are wired to operate in the world as if we have everything handled.

So even if its obvious, it’s really good for me to tell you this!

Women like me are not that great at being honest when we’re struggling.

This is a fabulous protective mechanism, but it also keeps us distant, and while we’re busy pretending to be perfect, life can become very lonely.

This is so common in high achieving types - the personality becomes shaped around focusing on the external - achievements, goals and situations outside of the self. Often this is because the inner (more vulnerable) self feels confusing, messy, dangerous or too much in contrast to the validating and somewhat easier to control experience of succeeding in the world.

The women that I work with want to succeed in life, and they’ve often got a really under-developed set of skills for how to navigate their feelings, needs and tender hearts.

So when life throws them extraneous emotional load like extra work stress, having children, relationship challenges, death of a friend or family member, or simply just having worked really hard for a long time, their inner landscape and ‘content’ starts to catch up with them.

The cracks start to show. They begin to no longer be able to ignore whats going on for them.

This is usually where a woman finds her way to me.

And, as an aside, I firmly believe this is one of the primary causes of burnout in hard working, successful and ambitious women.

This is central to my life’s work, so, I’ve examined this thoroughly, grown with it tremendously and have a myriad of skills and an incredible support network to hold me.

And, it still gets me sometimes.

I still catch myself egoically positioning myself to look ‘more okay’ or ‘better’ than I am.

And I’m not.

There’s a commonly accepted concept in mental health care circles, of ‘The Wounded Healer’.

If you haven’t heard of it, the term was first coined by psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, who said,

"a good half of every treatment that probes at all deeply consists in the doctor's examining himself... it is his own hurt that gives a measure of his power to heal.”

The idea states that that a ‘healer’ is compelled to treat patients because that person themselves is ‘wounded’.

In fact, a 2022 study in the USA and Canada showed that 82% of applied psychology graduate students and faculty members had experienced mental health conditions at some point in their lives.

There's not a doubt in my mind that my wounding is a large part of what has made me so nerdy about psychology, spirituality and humans in general!

To be clear, this is not me saying “I’m not okay, I need help”.

I’m sharing this today because its SO HEALTHY for my psychology to tell you that I don’t have it all handled!!

To be seen beneath the parts of my personality that I naturally lead with is good for me.

Because of my personal experiences and psychic structure, I know that there are reflexive patterns in me that need me to expose myself in ways that are a bit uncomfortable to interrupt them. I practice doing this often with people I trust, and here I am today doing it, too.

And I constantly see that this is such a healing function in my work.

Shame thrives in secrecy.

Simply by telling the truth that they’re struggling, scared, stressed, lonely, don’t have all the answers, and are sick of holding it all together; so many of my clients have the experience of feeling like they can exhale.

Like a weight has been lifted simply in emptying the secrets and revealing themselves, even if telling the truth about all of that felt terribly wrong or confronting.

Then we can get down to the work of transforming the underlying beliefs and protective patterns that perpetuate those cycles of self abandonment, pretending to be perfect and relentless, unbalanced striving. ????

I want you to know I’m deeply human, and see beneath whatever image I might sometimes put out in the world. Sometimes for some parts of me, life feels too big or frightening, like I’m not a match. I’m bumbling along figuring it all out.

And if thats you, too - even if you’re ALSO a fucking kick ass driven woman doing amazing things! - I see you, and I want you to know that all of you is welcome and loved. ??