Exposing the Myth of Empathetic Leadership Among CEOs and Managers in the Corporate Domain + Examples

Why learning about empathy is not enough to be an empathetic leader and is it overrated when CEOs are on the edge of burnout?

A few months ago, an organization called me out about why I'm not writing about empathy. This person had an opinion on what my work and content should cover, including empathy, psychological resilience and emotional culture. We cover those three with our executive coaching, search, and training services at Simona Spilak and BOC Institute. Yet LinkedIn and Google's "empathy trend" kept us calm because I have mixed feelings about it. I feel sad and discouraged that despite discussing empathy for over twenty years and companies investing heavily in people development and leadership coaching training, there's been so little progress. Why is that?

Today at 7:00 am, while I was trying to exercise and do some self-care, I got a call, and I jumped to answer it. The bitterness I felt afterwards got me thinking about all the nonsense, unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings about the empathy demand placed on us CEOs, GMs and managers. Please take these four points to reflect on your circumstances and reach out if an in-depth discussion could benefit you.

Is it realistic to expect -or even demand- that CEOs must be empathetic on the edge of burnout?

It is not. The expectation that leaders must be empathetic in the current business setting is so realistic that it can only be beneficial if we take it seriously and dive deep into what is happening behind the curtains of corporations, employees, and CEOs regarding work demands.

As I was on my yoga mat stretching and preparing for the day in my private time, I could let the phone go unanswered. Why didn't I?

For similar reasons, many of my fellow CEOs, GMs, and managers would have picked up the call, some version of:

• Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
• Responsibility
• Readiness to problem-solve

The pace of business is so fast that even if you're an empathetic person, your first focus is on results, processes, improvements, innovation, implementation, technology, engagement, talent attraction and attempting to solve complex problems in the same way we used to, that is: making more effort and moving at a faster pace.

Are leaders missing out on empathy?

From my organizational consultancy meetings and business panels, we misunderstand, misuse, and overrate empathy as a top leadership skill - not because we don't consider it fundamental to results and performance, but because it is hardly possible in the current setting:

1. Overstimulation is real. Constant availability and online connection produce a distraction that is hard to manage. Overstimulation limits our capacity to stay present and connect with ourselves and others. Overstimulation goes against the true meaning and practice of empathy.
2. Business - and personal life - is becoming a complex problem altogether. Even if challenges turn you on, it's hard not to be surpassed by the demands and their toll on your health and private life. You wonder whether it is worth it and at what cost.
3. There's no time to be empathetic. Every day, I meet GMs, CEOs, managers, and business owners who need help finding or taking the time to talk to their employees. But do they even find the time to "talk to" themselves? Hardly.

That was me at the yoga mat this morning.

Why is learning about empathy not enough to be an empathetic leader?

Even if corporations speak of empathy as a top leadership skill and invest in equipping leaders with this understanding, the information doesn't quite land. Many leaders still need empathy in their skill sets. It may surprise many, but there's a reason.

High-achieving leaders are not “per se” people-oriented

Like me, many managers, GMs, and CEOs are hyper achievers. Over the last decades, we climbed the ladder because we're initiators, driven by solving challenges, and highly result-oriented. It's our achievements that took us where we're now: in the boiling water of a top management position which alternatively punches us and sucks our marrow to levels beyond imaginable nowadays.

Although empathy helps obtain those results, hyper-achievers perceive it as a "detour" away from the core of the matter. When facing restructuring, financial crisis, layoffs and (usually) chaos, empathy lands as: "A "waste of time". We know it helps, just not now".

Under pressure, most people fall back on what feels safe

In uncertainty, we act according to the experience and skills that served us in the past and use all our power to perform even harder and more demonstratively. We overlook that what brought us here may get in our way when trying to come up with the solutions needed now.

Leaders can train empathy, but change is only possible with a redefinition of behavior and success that connects humanity, performance and results.

To us, empathy comes through deep self-knowledge, awareness and behavioral shifts.

Training and readings provide fundamental information, but an effective behavioral shift requires learning about our personality structure, stress triggers, communication style and individual action plans . Executive leadership development and communication coaching can deliver better results for you in this case.

However, most leaders perceive themselves as empathic.

What is empathic leadership and how does it work in the workplace?

There's a poignant contradiction between how individual leaders perceive themselves and how they land on others.

We conclude this from dozens of our profilings, in which senior professionals, managers, and leaders rate themselves as empatheticand the contrasting feedback and reality checks they receive from other leaders and team members in our team coaching.

Empathy versus sympathy: two very different responses in the face of discomfort

Humans often lack a good understanding of what empathy is and isn't- let alone the practice of empathy at the workplace and home. Leaders are no exception.

We tend to replace empathy with sympathy.

This is something that happens to a lot of people, not just leaders. When confronted with an emotionally uncomfortable situation, most of us go to a safe zone: "the act-and-solve" approach.

We come to the rescue of the other and show sympathy: "Yes, Simona, that's happening to a lot of people. Would you like to have a coffee?"

In contrast, empathy holds space for the other person's discomfort and yours: "Yes, Simona, I know how this feels. I'm here to listen. I got you."        

What is empathic leadership and how does it work in the workplace?

If you think you're being empathetic just because you recognise emotions, encourage or motivate somebody, you're on the short side of what being an empathic leader is.

Your empathy cup is complete when you try to understand the person in front of you:

• Take time to connect
• Listen without any other agenda in your head
• Relate to a similar situation which happened to you as well
• Try to share a response, sometimes only, "I understand you; I know it's difficult."

Empathy exists when you connect with something already in you: something you experienced yourself.

Revisiting that place can be joyful or painful and take more energy than the invite for "a sweet and a coffee" or the habitual reaction of fire starting our logical brain to rethink and offer a solution - which, in most cases, the other person didn't even ask to begin with.

Empathy is demanding, requiring vulnerability, emotional intelligence and psychological resilience.

Empathic leadership: a candidate interview example of how empathy pays back

I don't see managers "using" empathy as much, but when they are empathic, great things happen.

Yesterday, I was at a meeting where I could observe an empathetic GM during a candidate presentation. It was the lightness of the atmosphere and the brilliant delivery that struck me, so afterwards, I analyzed the unfolding of this 60-minute conversation, and these are my conclusions:

• The GM opened and managed the conversation not only with kindness but also with honest respect
• He was curious all the way through, good for sharpness on both sides
• He asked the right questions, a great way to challenge and get to know the candidate
• He listened to the answers
• He responded in a way that made him and the candidate feel at ease

By the end, he and the candidate had gotten all the information they needed and agreed on the next step. It was just something I couldn't believe!

In case you're wondering, this is different. I run an executive search agency for top management positions, and I witness the opposite. A candidate presentation resembles more of a duel than a collaborative conversation: the GM challenging the candidate, the candidate challenging the GM.

Of course, a challenge was present yesterday, but the conversation went smoothly because:

• The GM mastered an empathetic and business oriented atmosphere
• He made clear the meeting was essential to both parties
• He was unafraid of being perceived as vulnerable, helping the candidate feel at ease
• They both dedicated time to focus on the discussion

The latest was critical to the outcome. There was a complex business discussion, a lot of shared information, and expectations on both sides.

However, they were dedicated to in-depth listening and understanding of each other - not fruitless ego challenges or distractions.

Empathy requires your entire presence.

Empathy is part of your psychological resilience: how to reinforce both

No empathy is possible between people until we can connect to ourselves.

No matter how provocative it sounds to my logical brain and even more to the high achiever in me, I need that morning time to align with my body, mind and soul. I struggle with it.

I imagine you struggle, too.

For a CEO, GM or top manager, the most common reaction in the face of challenges and change is to take the lead and act to solve.

It's incredibly challenging for us to refrain from immediate response and hold the space for in-depth listening and understanding, empowering others - and ourselves- to grow.

Your response depends on your psychological resilience, which empathy is a part of.

Please check the second part of this article to learn the four stages of psychological resilience, how they relate to empathy, and how you can develop both in the face of challenges and change.

I'm the founder of BOC Institute , one of the renowned consulting agencies for international companies operating in Slovenia and South-East Europe.

I coach CEOs and top managers 1:1 worldwide. I'm here to save you time, energy, and money through your objectives, decision-making, and leadership development. I understand we can change the world one coaching session at a time!

Do you feel like having a call?

You can reach out here and let me guide you from there.

Simona ?pilak

www.simonaspilak.com