Exposing abuse, pt. 3: The power you have in your house

You have control over what happens next.

Many therapists will let you get away with stopping at your realization that, “It’s not my fault.” This is TRUE in the sense that you are not actually responsible for anyone else’s behavior and it’s not on you to stop an abuser from abusing. If someone comes in and robs a bank, we don’t ask the bank teller, “Well, what did you do to MAKE them do it?” No, abusers abuse; robbers rob. Their behavior is their own.

But that’s not where we should be satisfied ending the conversation.

I have to disrupt the idea that abusive people actually get to CHOOSE whoever they want and do whatever they want to them. They do not. There are criteria they look for. How many successful bank robbers just walk in and try their luck? The best robbers are the ones who know exactly what to look for to increase their chances of pulling it off. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth and we have to pay attention. I’m well aware it would be easier to believe that abusers get to make all the choices and the ones who suffer are totally powerless, but this is not true.

It’s the opposite.

Abusers feel they have no power in their own life and this is a major reason why they do what they do. You have to stop believing they’re solely dealing with external factors. Could there be a mental health problem, trauma, or high stress levels? For sure. But don’t let it get past you that there are controllable behavioral problems and major issues with their self-concept.

It’s time to stop deflecting responsibility for them.

They rely on that. Even if there are valid and verifiable "problems" in their past, they are capable of resolving old conflicts through mental health care, like by going to therapy. Chances are, the AP has not successfully done this or even tried. You can't continue making excuses for someone who is not willing to do the work in their own life.

So if you can’t do anything about changing them, what CAN you do?

Understanding more about yourself will help to put yourself in a position to avoid APs. As much as I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them stop what they're doing, I can't, and neither can you. Trust me I hate it because these people are harmful. But we have to accept that you can't change a person; however, you can absolutely elevate yourself.

APs gather clues

We all take cues from our environment through our senses. Our brain quickly process tons of information and we draw conclusions. For example, is the area quiet or noisy? Organized or cluttered? Is it a place you want to revisit or a place you never want to go back to again?

The same way we notice our environment, we notice things about people and people notice things about us. We make snap judgments about whether someone takes care of themselves or not, is confidently assertive or far more shy, stressed or calm, etc. Immediately we make decisions about whether he or she is someone we would like to get to know better or be around longer. This doesn’t mean you’re right about any of it, you are just using cues to answer a question we ask ourselves over and over throughout the day: “Who is this person?”

The same way you take cues about others, they take cues about you. Not just from what they see, but also from the way you express your thoughts, and the way you speak to others gives people cues about your mental space. They’re getting information about what you think about yourself, the world, your expectations, your mood.

This is your mental house. Taking care of yourself on the outside is great, but take some time to wonder what the inside looks like too. Both parts together give off signals to others about how to treat you in your house.

Abusive, narcissistic, or just all-around malicious people are very observant and they latch onto people that have cues telling them: “This person does not really care for themselves, and so I don’t have to either.” This is the only way they can keep tearing up someone’s mental house. In order to be an abusive person, you have to find the "right" person and you have to be able to stick around long enough to do this dirty work.

What if I told you that part of your mental house was already breaking down and this person just came in and helped you finish the job? Couldn’t you imagine untrained, unarmed, and understaffed security at a bank having a difficult time against skilled criminals? Sure you can.

Let's wonder for a bit about how you keep your mental home. Abusive people get away with doing what they do in places where it’s accepted and expected. They don’t even bother with people who obviously won’t put up with it. People who set boundaries, who are deeply honest and open about what they need in a relationship, and people who keep their mental space clear. These are people who may have been burned in the past but know much better now. You can’t run game on them, they know the game already. These abusers just can’t last in their world. They are not tolerated at all.

Cleaning up your mental house

First and foremost, you have to be very clear on the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be treated fairly, and you deserve reciprocation in relationships. You deserve to feel safe.

Those are all easy things to say, but much harder to actually experience, especially when we have been dealing with someone who has not validated any of that. The good news is, you are completely capable of making a new, positive world your reality.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist about this, as this person is trained to help you through these traumatic experiences using proven methods. I know it’s tempting to just get in the group text and ask for suggestions, but if you want real change, you need real strategy and accountability.

Some things you might expect to talk about with your therapist, or good ideas to bring up yourself:

1. What are your beliefs about who you are? How did those beliefs develop?
2. Where do you get your sense of worth?
3. What are some things you are really good at?
4. When was the first time you experienced rejection, and what was that like?

Any of us can ask ourselves these questions and find treasure troves of information about ourselves and how we function in our relationships. If you want to clean up your mental house, these types of questions are great starting points.

As always, remember:

1. Believe yourself.

The feelings you feel are real and the events you’ve experienced are real.

2. Take care of yourself.

Abusive people can make you feel like you’re not worth good love, and they often take up all your time and energy as you’re trying to appease them. Find something to do for yourself today. It can be small, but start today. When tomorrow comes, repeat this self-care step.

3. Tell someone you know.

Let someone you know personally about what’s going on and how you’ve been feeling. Tell them you plan to see a therapist and ask them to follow-up with you. Knowing that someone is in your corner right away can help you make the move to begin healing.

If you are affected by abuse and need support, call 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, go to thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.