Exposing Abuse, pt. 2: Gaslighting, how abusive people make you question reality
In the first part of this 3 part series of “Exposing Abuse,” I identified some of the patterns of abusive people (APs). Now we’ll talk about one of their best strategies: gaslighting.
Gaslighting makes someone question reality. Essentially this buys an abusive person more time because instead of you questioning the AP, you spend time and energy questioning yourself instead.
There are so many examples of gaslights, but I’m going to focus on 3 big ones. After reading about these, the more specific ones you’ve been dealing with in your relationship will naturally come to your mind.
The Big 3 Gaslights
- “It’s in your head;” “You’re making that up;” “That never happened;” “It’s your imagination.”
This is blatantly telling you that what you say you saw or heard never really happened. This is the gaslight with the most minimum effort put forth on the AP (so they end up doing it all the time) and it’s the most frustrating for you. At first you feel certain that your recollection of events is correct, but now the person that was right there with you is telling you it didn’t happen “like that.”
It’s likely that the situations you’re describing when this happens are also times when you and the AP were alone. There’s no one else to validate your story. This is part of the reason why APs like to keep your relationship between you and them. At first the idea of having you two all to yourselves may even sound romantic, but it’s not.
2. “You’re so sensitive;” “You need to toughen up.”
You begin to wonder if really you are just taking things too seriously. The AP will tell you he is like this with “everyone else” and claims no one has a problem with it but you. The truth is either they are lying and others really do have a problem with their behavior, or they present a different character to others. Usually you’ll see the latter in public situations. They will perform pretty perfectly for others while you’re there, creating an even more confusing situation. How can others love him while you’re resenting him? It seems weird because it is, in fact, weird.
You wonder if it’s just you that they’re “like this” with you, and if so, maybe it’s you that’s the cause of it. It’s not. The AP is decisively treating you poorly to exert control over you. Just because they treat others nicely in front of you does not (at all) negate their malicious behavior towards you.
3. “You’re just being dramatic;” “You blow things out of proportion.”
You may indeed have had bigger emotional responses to the AP than you have had with others in your life. This is not because you have all-of-a-sudden become emotionally eruptive, it’s much more likely that you are having exactly the response that any person could have to the APs treatment.
If someone is treating you extraordinarily poorly, doesn’t it make sense to be extraordinarily upset? You may not have done or said things you are necessarily proud of in those moments, but give yourself compassion and understanding. Understand that the APs pervasive mind games create a lot of stress and you having negative responses to them is totally normal.
Signs in yourself
The goal of a gaslight is to make you feel crazy enough to stop voicing your actually-very-rational concerns. It also breaks down your confidence so that you don’t want to tell anybody else; you may feel embarrassed.
Here are some signs you may see in yourself, and are sure signs that it is time to speak up to someone:
- Constantly apologizing
- Feeling stuck when trying to make decisions; overly concerned about what the other person wants
- Ruminating about the decisions you do make; fearful of consequences
- Feeling something is off but you can’t pinpoint what it is
- Lacking joy in the relationship; being with the other person feels “grey”
Why do APs do this?
In short, it’s about power and control. Try not to get too caught up in trying to figure out anything else about them. You are not their therapist, but they should probably get one. Avoid trying to get to the root of their bad behavior. There’s no need to wonder about their past. It’s time to move forward.
Your Next Step
If you’re ready to start now, I encourage you to reach out to me or find a therapist who can help you work through the hurtful and confusing feelings and events that are prevalent in abusive relationships, developing a safe and effective course of action for you to take, and/or the after-effects of being in intimate relationships with harmful people.
Apart from seeking your therapist, here are 3 things you can do immediately (and you’ll see these things at the end of each post in the series):
1. Believe yourself
The feelings you feel are real and the events you’ve experienced are real.
2. Take care of yourself.
Abusive people can make you feel like you’re not worth good love, and they often take up all your time and energy as you’re trying to appease them. Find something to do for yourself today. It can be small, but start today. When tomorrow comes, repeat this self-care step.
3. Tell someone you know.
Let someone you know personally about what’s going on and how you’ve been feeling. Tell them you plan to see a therapist and ask them to follow-up with you. Knowing that someone is in your corner right away can help you make the move to begin healing.
Avoid waiting for it to “get better.” Please, do not take this advice from others. Regardless of the nature or length of the relationship, here is the truth: If an abusive person is not getting help RIGHT NOW, the violent cycles typically just get worse. Sticking it out is not a measure of strength or loyalty, it’s a product of emotional abuse.
With all that you’re becoming increasingly aware of, avoid calling the abuser out for all of the B.S. that you can now more clearly see. It’s best to develop a plan first and increase your commitment with following through. You’ve got this! I know it.
If you are affected by abuse and need support, call 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, go to thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
See all 3 posts about Exposing Abuse on my site, ThreshCoach.com