Exploring Our Values Gap

These days it’s hard to avoid the stories that chronicle the dismantling of “DEI” programs - efforts to increase diversity, equity, and inclusion - across the country. Despite the speed with which these endeavors have disappeared, I believe that most of us value living in a country that is fair, equitable, and peaceful. And diverse.?

Most of us value living in an America where we are greater together than we are as individuals (even if it doesn’t feel like it).?

So, what’s stopping us? Why is there such a big value gap between what we believe and what we are willing to do??

Why aren’t more of us fighting harder to keep, and even increase, the things we value? Why aren’t more of us fighting for a more diverse, equitable, and more fair future? Why aren’t White allies saying more and doing more?

It may be that we’re our surface responses, reactions, and feelings are getting in the way of our value fully expressing itself. Here’s an exercise that may get you a little clearer about what’s getting in the way; NAME IT, EXPLAIN IT, FEEL IT, REVEAL IT.?

(This may seem a bit daunting, but this is one way we can put our values to work.)

NAME IT

Below are some things that stop me from meeting my values (these are or were true, in case that’s helpful); see if one of these resonates with you. See if you can name what might be getting in the way of making your values work.?

I’m not sure what to do. I believe deeply in a fair, equitable, diverse country. I want to do something, but I have no idea where to begin. I’m confused.

I’m confused. I have no idea what to believe. I don’t know if it’s better to consider race or not consider race. If I think about someone’s race all the time, doesn’t it make us more divided? If I don’t think about people’s race, then does it make me naive? It’s easier to opt out of trying to figure it out. I know when I’m confused because I start to feel a bit scared.?

I’m scared. I like the way things are, and I don’t like change. I don’t like transitions. So, when something I consider fundamental changes - like where I get my coffee from in the morning changes, I get uncomfortable. Sometimes, really uncomfortable. I can tell I’m uncomfortable because I’ll start eating, start getting anxious, and start getting angry.?

I want things to be fair. When I don’t get what I believe I deserve, then I feel like things around me are unfair. When I believe I worked harder, but someone else gets acknowledged, I feel like an injustice has been done to me. I know I feel like things are unfair because I get angry.?

I’m angry. I’m angry that I’m not as successful as I could have been; I’m angry that my family doesn’t behave the way they’re supposed to (according to me); I’m angry that things are hard and something outside of my control is making them harder. I can tell I’m angry because I start blaming people and things that actually have nothing to do with stuff I’m angry about. And then, I get tired.?

I’m tired. I’m working. I’m taking care of my family - kids, parents, and more. I’m worried about the world. I don’t have the mental capacity to figure out how to make things better for more people. I don’t have the energy to figure out how to “be a champion of diversity”. It doesn’t matter anyway.

EXPLAIN IT?

If any of the above resonates with you, then find someone who shares this value or you know is a good listener to share this deeper layer of understanding. You could say something like this:

“Hi, I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been feeling so _____ about stories on diversity, equity, and inclusion. I would like to think it through with someone like you. Do you have 30 minutes to talk about it in a couple of weeks? ”?

FEEL IT

Once you have a sense of what feeling is preventing you from leaning into your values that leads to an equitable, diverse, and peaceful country. Commit to spending some time letting yourself feel this feeling. It may sound counterintuitive; by allowing yourself to feel the physical sensations of being confused, helpless, tired, or angry, will help you see what’s underneath. Encourage yourself to “allow” the sensations to be present and flow – let them rise and fall without trying to control, reduce, or escape them. The intention is to keep mindfully accepting what you are feeling in the moment.?

REVEAL IT

Gently shift your attention to exploring what is behind the emotion, and what is at the heart of the emotion. Maybe you don’t like uncertainty or you feel something threatening in the future, or you are feeling unseen or excluded. When we allow ourselves to feel difficult feelings, we learn new things about who we are, and perhaps about how we want to live with our values more authentically. And, maybe how we decide to feel about DEI and what it can mean for our inner and outer lives.

NOW ONWARD

If we are going to live a more diverse, equitable, and peaceful country, then each of is going to have to live a life that more deeply aligns with this value. This only happens if work this value so that is shows up day after day.