Exploring the Nuances of Sexual Desire

I have been struggling with how to start this blog, not because the topic is all that difficult, but because it’s a little bit more of a research-ey blog topic. Feels a little like I’m back in college writing a literature review for a research paper LOL. BUT! I think it is an important topic, and one I didn’t even really think about until I read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (I know I have mentioned this book a ton but it has truly been a great reference for so much of Sexuality Without Shame, I recommend everyone read it. And please note, a lot of this blog relies heavily on research presented in that book.)

Ok, so. When it comes to sexual desire, there's a prevalent assumption that everyone experiences arousal the same way. However, as Emily discusses in Come As You Are, this way of thinking actually ignores a large part of sexual desire. To fully understand desire, we have to look at the full depth of desire, and understand that desire can be spontaneous or responsive, and it is not a one-size-fits-all kinda thing. To truly understand intimacy, we must delve into the nuances of both.

Historically, sexual behaviors and norms have been viewed through a predominantly male lens. What was considered normal for men was often assumed to be the standard for women as well. This misconception led to the belief that spontaneous desire, which is commonly experienced by men, should also be the default for women. But this is pretty far from the truth. Because while 75% of men report experiencing spontaneous desire, only about 15% of women report the same. Because while we are all the same, we are all different.

This is where responsive desire comes in. About 30% of women and 5% of men report experiencing responsive desire, which is desire that starts only after a sexy thing has started. Imagine this: You are at home, not doing much, not thinking about much. Maybe you’re standing at the sink and washing some dishes. Definitely not feeling horny. Then your partner comes up and touches your arm. You smile. Then they kiss your neck. You think “ohhhh I like this” and lean into it a little. They kiss your lips and then maybe a little more and now you are REALLY in the mood. ?Your desire is in response to your partner’s touch and kiss.

On the other hand, spontaneous desire can feel like a sudden surge of passion. Let’s say you’re at the sink, again doing dishes. Your partner has been gone for a while and you’ve been waiting for them to get home. You weren’t feeling horny standing at the sink, but as soon as you see them, BOOM. Horny as fuck, as if the desire emerged out of thin air.

Both responsive and spontaneous desires are entirely valid expressions of intimacy. Yet, societal norms often favor spontaneous desire, leading those who experience responsive desire to feel inadequate or abnormal. However, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience intimacy; it's all about what feels authentic to you. Also, the way you experience desire doesn’t always stay the same! It can evolve with different partners, different phases of life, or external stressors. Understanding and embracing these changes and realizing that both ways of experiencing desire is A-OK, is key to encouraging a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

In navigating differences in desire within a relationship, communication is paramount. Whether you're the initiator of spontaneous desire or the responder of responsive desire, mutual understanding and respect is crucial. No one is owed sex, but by openly discussing preferences and boundaries, both partners can create a space where both feel desired and satisfied.

Ultimately, the beauty of human desire lies in its diversity. By embracing and honoring the unique ways in which we experience intimacy, we can cultivate deeper connections and a more profound sense of fulfillment in our relationships. So, whether your desire blooms spontaneously or blossoms in response, know that your experience is valid, beautiful, and worthy of celebration.

If you're ready to embark on a journey of sexual empowerment and self-discovery, I invite you to join me for my 12-week sexual empowerment coaching package. Together, we'll explore and celebrate sexuality in all its forms, creating a safe space for you to learn, grow, and embrace your unique desires. Whether you're looking to deepen intimacy with your partner, overcome barriers to pleasure, or simply reconnect with your own sensuality, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's unlock the full potential of your sexuality and cultivate a life filled with passion, pleasure, and fulfillment. Sign up for a free 30 minute consultation and take the first step towards a more empowered and liberated you!