Expectations - The Thief of Joy (And How to Get It Back)
Have you ever been so excited about something, only to feel utterly crushed when it didn't live up to your expectations? Maybe it was a vacation you had been planning for months, a new relationship that fizzled out, or that big promotion you were sure you had in the bag. Whatever the case, the letdown can be devastating.
?As Theodore Roosevelt famously said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." But you know what's an even bigger joy-stealer? Expectations. That's right. Those sky-high anticipations we build up in our minds are often the root cause of our deepest disappointments.
?Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a vicious cycle—we get excited about something, envision it going perfectly, and then when reality doesn't match our idealized version, we feel let down, frustrated, even depressed. It's a surefire path to misery.
?But here's the good news - there's a simple antidote to the poison of expectations. And it comes straight from the wisdom of the one and only Tony Robbins.
?"Trade your expectations for appreciation, and your whole world changes in an instant."
?Boom. Just like that, the key to unlocking lasting happiness and fulfillment. It sounds almost too easy. But trust me, it can be life-changing once you grasp this concept and put it into practice.
Let's explore why expectations are so problematic and how shifting to an attitude of appreciation can transform one's life.
?The Perils of Expectation
As human beings, we're hardwired to have expectations. It's how we make sense of the world and plan for the future. We expect the sun to rise every morning, our paychecks to hit our bank accounts on time, and our loved ones to be there for us. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that.
Trouble arises when our expectations become unrealistic, inflexible, or disconnected from reality. That's when disappointment starts to creep in.
?Take that dream vacation, for example. You've been saving up for years, scouring the internet for the perfect destination, and envisioning yourself sipping cocktails on a white sand beach surrounded by azure waters and glowing sunsets. But when you finally get there, the weather isn't cooperating, the hotel room is smaller than you imagined, and the locals aren't as friendly as the travel brochures promised. Suddenly, that idyllic vision in your head comes crashing down, and you find yourself feeling let down, frustrated, and wondering if it was all worth it.
?Or how about a new relationship? You meet someone who checks all the boxes - they're funny, intelligent, attractive, and share your core values. In your mind, you start planning your future together, imagining the perfect dates, magical moments, and happily ever after. But then reality sets in - your partner has flaws, quirks, and baggage just like you do. The relationship hits its first rough patch, and all those lofty expectations you had come tumbling down, leaving you feeling betrayed and disillusioned.
?The problem with expectations is that they set us up for disappointment. We create these idealized versions of how things "should" be, and then when the real world doesn't live up to that fantasy, we feel let down, angry, or even depressed.
?Disappointment is a signal that you had an expectation that was not met. In other words, the root cause of our disappointment is the gap between what we expected to happen and what actually happened.
?But here's the kicker—that gap is often of our own making. We conjure up these lofty visions in our minds, and then we feel crushed when reality doesn't measure up. It's a vicious cycle that can leave us feeling perpetually unsatisfied and unhappy.
?The Antidote to Expectation: Appreciation
So, if expectations are the problem, what's the solution? According to Tony Robbins, shifting our mindset from expectation to appreciation is the answer.
?"Trade your expectations for appreciation, and your whole world changes instantly."
It's a simple concept but one that can profoundly impact our lives. Instead of focusing on what we think "should" be, we shift our attention to what is and find the beauty, gratitude, and wonder in the present moment.
?Imagine that same dream vacation scenario, but this time, instead of being disappointed by the weather or the hotel room, you choose to appreciate that you're even there. You savor the sights, the sounds, and the flavors of the local cuisine. You engage with the people around you, curious to learn about their culture and their way of life. Rather than dwelling on what's not perfect, you find joy in the small moments, the unexpected delights, and the sheer privilege of being able to experience something new and different.
?Or, in that new relationship, instead of fixating on your partner's flaws, you choose to appreciate their unique quirks, kindness, and efforts to connect with you. You focus on the things that drew you to them in the first place rather than the ways they don't live up to your idealized vision. You approach each challenge as an opportunity to grow and deepen your bond rather than a reason to give up.
?The power of appreciation lies in its ability to shift our perspective and our emotional state. When we trade expectations for appreciation, we stop seeing the world through the lens of lack and disappointment and instead start to notice all the abundance, the beauty, and the magic that surrounds us.
?Gratitude is the antidote to fear and worry. When we cultivate a mindset of appreciation, we short-circuit the negative thought patterns that lead to anxiety, stress, and unhappiness. We become more present, more resilient, and more open to the richness of life.
?But don't just take my word for it. Philosophers, spiritual leaders, and self-help gurus have extolled the power of appreciation throughout the ages.
?"The root of joy is gratefulness...It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful." - Brother David Steindl-Rast
?"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity." ?
?"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." - Voltaire.
?The key is to make appreciation a daily practice, a habit that becomes as natural as breathing. Start your day by listing three things you're grateful for. Throughout the day, pause and notice the small wonders all around you. Before bed, reflect on the positive moments, the blessings, and the lessons learned.
?Over time, this shift in mindset can profoundly impact your overall well-being and happiness. As Tony Robbins says, "Every disciplined effort you make yields multiple rewards." By consistently trading expectations for appreciation, you'll find that your world starts to change in an instant—the disappointments fade, the joy and fulfillment grow, and you become more resilient in the face of life's inevitable challenges.
?Expectations vs. Standards
?Doesn't that mean I should lower my standards and settle for less?" There is a clear distinction between expectations and standards.
?"Standards are great, but they only stand up with rituals that support them."
In other words, it's not about lowering your standards or goals. It's about aligning your actions and mindset with those high standards rather than just expecting the outcome to materialize magically.
?Think about it this way - you might have a high standard of wanting to be healthy and fit. But if you don't have the daily rituals and habits to support that (like exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep), then that standard is just an empty expectation. It's not grounded in reality, and it's bound to lead to disappointment.
?On the other hand, if you approach your health with a mindset of appreciation—appreciating your body's capabilities, the nourishing foods you enjoy, and the joy of movement—and you pair that with disciplined actions to back it up. You're much more likely to achieve and sustain your desired results.
?The same principle applies to any area of life - your career, relationships, and personal growth. It's not about lowering the bar but aligning your expectations with your actions and finding appreciation and gratitude in the process.
?"If you talk about it, it's a dream; if you envision it, it's possible; but if you schedule it, it's real." In other words, the more you can turn your lofty visions into concrete plans and daily rituals, the more likely you will turn those dreams into reality.
?But even then, it's essential to maintain that mindset of appreciation. Because no matter how well you plan and execute, life will always throw curveballs your way. The key is to approach those challenges with flexibility, resilience, and a deep well of gratitude.
?"Cultivate the art of flexibility. Realize that if you can instantly create a problem, you can just as quickly and easily create a solution."
?By trading expectations for appreciation and pairing that with disciplined action and a willingness to adapt, you can achieve the standards you've set for yourself - and find joy and fulfillment in the process.
?The Power of Reframing
One of the most powerful tools in neurolinguistic programming is the art of reframing. It's the ability to shift perspective and find the opportunity, the lesson, or the silver lining in even the most challenging situations.
?"What's wrong is always available. So is what's right."
?When we're stuck in a mindset of expectation and disappointment, it's easy to get mired in the negative. We focus on what's not working, what's missing, what's gone wrong. But by consciously reframing our perspective, we can unlock a whole new world of possibility.
?Take that dream vacation scenario again. Instead of dwelling on the weather, the hotel room, or the less-than-friendly locals, we could reframe it as an opportunity to be more adaptable, to explore new experiences, to connect with people differently. We could appreciate the fact that we even have the privilege of taking a vacation in the first place, and find joy in the unexpected moments that arise.
?Or in that challenging relationship, instead of fixating on our partner's flaws, we could reframe it as a chance to practice patience, empathy, and communication. We could appreciate the unique qualities they bring to the table and see each obstacle as an opportunity to deepen our bond and grow together.
?The key is to train our minds to automatically seek out the positive, the opportunity, and the lesson in every situation. It's not about denying the reality of the challenge but instead choosing to focus our energy and attention on what we can control and what we can be grateful for.
The most powerful way to control your focus is through questions. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" we can reframe the question as, "What can I learn from this experience?" or "How can I make the best of this situation?"
?By consistently practicing this art of reframing, we can short-circuit the negative thought patterns that lead to disappointment and unhappiness. We become more resilient, adaptable, and able to find the silver lining in even the darkest clouds.
?The Ripple Effect of Appreciation
But the benefits of trading expectations for appreciation don't stop at the individual level. Cultivating a mindset of gratitude and appreciation has a ripple effect that can transform our relationships, our communities, and even the world around us.
?The Secret to Living is Giving.
?Contribution is not an obligation; it's an opportunity to give something back." When we approach life with a spirit of abundance and appreciation, we naturally feel more inclined to share our gifts, time, and resources with others.
?Imagine a world where everyone approached their interactions with a mindset of appreciation—appreciating the unique perspectives and experiences of those around them, appreciating the opportunity to learn and grow, and appreciating the simple act of connection and community.
?The impact would be profound. Conflicts would be resolved more quickly, empathy and understanding would flourish, and a rising tide of positivity and goodwill would lift all boats.
?It all starts with that simple shift in mindset—from expectation to appreciation. When we trade our disappointments for gratitude, we open ourselves up to a world of possibility, a world where we're not just passive recipients of life's ups and downs but active co-creators of our own happiness and fulfillment.
Why live an ordinary life when you can live an extraordinary one? By embracing the power of appreciation, we can transcend the limitations of our expectations and tap into the boundless potential that lies within us all.
So, the next time you feel let down, frustrated, or disillusioned, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What can I appreciate in this moment?" It might be the simple beauty of a sunset, the kindness of a stranger, or the resilience of your spirit. Whatever it is, focus on that, and watch as your whole world shifts.
?Because at the end of the day, the only limits we face are the ones we place on ourselves. By trading expectations for appreciation, we unlock the door to a life of abundance, joy, and lasting fulfillment. So, what are you waiting for? Start appreciating and watch as your extraordinary life unfolds.