Expectations

By Lindy Earl

I believe that if you ask a hundred people what they want from a relationship, that you will receive a lot of overlapping, as well as some unique, answers. People, men and women, single and married, divorced and widowed, can only be grouped so far. We are all individuals and have our own preferences.

I also believe that if you want to know what others expect, you can begin by looking at your own desires. You want to be treated with respect – so do others. You desire, even demand, good communication – others want the same thing. You appreciate a good sense of humor, so you should offer others the gift of laughter. 

I think some of us (yes, me included) want to be in a happy and healthy relationship, without getting into a relationship. We want to find ourselves in the middle of a great situation, having the hard work of building it behind us. We are not unwilling to do the work, but we have put so much work into relationships that went awry that we are ready to be in the midst of a good one.

A gentleman once asked me to jump into a relationship – commitment, exclusivity, trust, the whole thing. Even while I want exactly this, I can’t just go there. It takes times for me to develop trust. He seemed to think that was a character flaw in me. Why couldn’t I just choose to trust him, rather than building to a level of trust? It just doesn’t work that way for some of us.

I couldn’t understand his expectation that we could just jump into a committed relationship. In this case, he and I had tried to date two years prior, but he disappeared. He returned, telling me that he had thought of me every day. Um . . . how did I know that? He told me that he couldn’t get over me and decided that I was the girl for him, so he was asking for a complete commitment, with the goal of ending in a wedding.

Okay, but while he had been thinking for two years, I saw him disappear from my life for two years, without a good-bye, and I continued to live my life. Looking back, during that time I had dated a gentleman for nine months. I had hoped that he might be my forever, but I cannot say if I began dating him with that expectation. If I had, I certainly wouldn’t have shared it on our first date. We actually ended up breaking up, as I alluded. Was it because I hadn’t shared my expectations?

After the break up after our nine months together, this gent mentioned that he thought we might have married someday (a hidden expectation?). Wow. Look at this guy, all ready for commitment, after the fact. Never did he mention the M word while we were dating.

So, after failed relationships, whether a large fail, like a 25 year marriage, or a small fail, like a few months of dating, do we stop and consider our expectations? Are we, possibly, afraid to have any expectations, lest we be disappointed? Or, do we have them, yet keep them to ourselves?

When I found myself dating after my divorce, I believed the stereotype that men did not like to discuss relationships or commitment. I found, based on a very small sample of me, that I was mistaken. I learned that guys like having the exclusivity talk and that they want to know where they, we, stand.

Yes, in some cases there was a discussion that ended in, “Let’s just see how this goes.” In time I learned that those words are code for Not Interested in Long term. Okay.

Again, I think there are many, even most, divorced or widowed people, both male and female, who truly desire a committed, long term, exclusive relationship. Even if we don’t verbalize our thoughts, the feelings are there, and may or may not emerge as expectations.

If someone shows signs of jealousy, it may be a sign that they expected something other than what they are seeing. More plainly, if s/he is jealous, then y’all have different expectations. One may feel more committed to the relationship than the other. It’s time for a talk.

Maybe somebody simply desires to spend more time together. I have friends who have dated, exclusively, for years, but only see each other one or two nights a week. That works for them. Others, however, need more. Some people start dating, assuming that if things go well, more time will be spent together. For others, once a week is sufficient. Two different set of expectations, even two different sets of needs, may keep these two people from having a happy relationship.

Stop and ask yourself what expectations you have. If you want to date casually, are you up front about that? If you are seeking a long term commitment, can and will you put the time and effort into creating that? If you never plan on being married again, but are willing to date until you die, can you let that be known early in the dating cycle, so that you don’t sour someone else’s expectations.

Of course I have to say, the best way to deal with expectations in a relationship is to know what yours are, and to honestly communicate them to your potential mate. You can even express them to family and friends, because others might know someone looking for exactly what you are.

There is no one right answer to expectations. The truth is that we all have them, whether or not we acknowledge them to ourselves and to others. Sometimes, others can see our expectations before we even admit them to ourselves. Keep a friend like that around! They can help you discern what you want, and expect, from your next SO.

I would love to hear from you. Please comment and share your thoughts. If you like this article please share with your network! Contact me to have to speak at your next event: [email protected].