Expectations

I worked with a client today on expectations of others.

Specifically for her, those around her partner. We all place expectations on others, and I'm sure that if you are, or have been, in a relationship, you will understand exactly what this is about.

Kathryn shared that she had an amazing morning. She got up early, went to the gym, crushed her class, and got home in time to see her partner before he was headed to work. She brought her amped-up positive energy bounding into the house and excitedly shared what they did at class and how great she felt as soon as she saw him. She EXPECTED him to react with the same level of enthusiasm, feeding off of her energy and praising her - making her feel even better than she already did. What she got was a less than enthusiastic "that's great".

We can all feel the deflated energy that came with that reaction, right? The let-down, the HURT, the "why can't they be excited for me and just tell me that I did awesome? Is it so hard to SUPPORT me?"

From here it spirals... this is where the "nevers" come in. They are never on the same page as me. They never support the things that I like doing. They can't be happy for me the way I want them to.

Let's look at that last statement - the way I want them to. What is happening here is a perfect example of putting expectations on others. And that's what we are doing - putting it on them. We build up an expected outcome in our minds, and when those we are interacting with do not deliver as we wanted, we feel let down. The receiving party often has no idea what they "did wrong", and are blindsided by the turn of emotion. Why did this person just go from happy to disappointed or even angry and all I did was tell them they did great?

Why do we put expectations on others? Because we visualize what we want from the other person as a way of controlling the outcome of a conversation or situation that we don't have any business controlling.

In the moment, it is difficult to control our emotions, but we can learn to pause ahead of the situation and learn to recognize what we are about to create before we do it.

Try this. When you are getting ready to see someone, talk to them on the phone, send an email or a text, pause for a moment and ask yourself, "what am I expecting from this situation? How am I expecting this person to react to what I'm going to share with them?" It could be helpful to imagine or visualize the entire situation playing out - if you have the time to do so.

Then ask yourself, "Is this a realistic expectation I am placing on this person, or is it a hopeful expectation of what I want that may not be what I'm going to get, or fair to expect of them?"

Either way, if you are setting an expectation, know that you could be setting yourself up for disappointment, and you could be causing undue stress on the relationship.

You cannot control the other person or the outcome, as hard as you may want to try. You can control your words, thoughts and expectations. You can choose ahead of time to protect your happiness regardless of whether or not they share in it with you. And they don't have to.

In Kathryn's case, her partner wasn't at the gym with her that morning. He was not fresh off a great workout and feeling the endorphins. He was trying to have a cup of coffee and wake up and she came in like a hurricane of energy! Her disappointment with him caused undue tensions for them both and hours of silent treatment. I advised her to share her expectations with him and discuss how she was feeling. Asking your partner to recognize when you could use a bit of extra high-fiving or encouragement is communication. Separating that from your expectations is progress.

*Kathryn gave permission to share this, BTW :)