EXPECTATIONS & EXPECTATION SETTING IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

Once you have mutually decided to fully commit to the #relationship and it has moved forward from the ‘casual fling’ stage to the exclusive dating or even more further like #engagement , it is?time to do some #expectation setting .

Expectations have always been prevalent in any relationship –silent and subtle in the romantic ones and stronger and more demanding in the parental ones. In parental relationships, you have been, more often than you would like to admit, on the ‘receiving end of the spectrum’, without much say, and you might have as well detested it and /or retaliated. All the more reasons that you should be very ardent on having well defined expectations in your #love relationships (be that live-in or exclusive dating or marriage) even if your partner does not implicitly mention the need for the same.

#satisfaction in a committed relationship is determined not just by the absolute levels of qualities like commitment, conflict resolution etc., but also by the extent to which partner’s expectations for relationship are actually met—relationships will be satisfying for those individuals whose expectations are met, while in contrast, people whose relationships are not in sync with their expectations are going to feel dissatisfied.

?Despite well-meaning intentions, the fact remains that expectations cannot always be met. In day to day interactions, partners frequently fail to meet expectations due to reasons both internal and external to them. Unreasonable expectations or the feelings that expectations are not being met can lead to insecure feelings, #anxiety and dissatisfaction on the part of both partners. That’s why it’s important to set up expectations in a several areas of the relationship (for instance - commitment, quality of communication, conflict resolution, #parenting , emotional self-disclosure, affection, relational certainty/security, role within the relationship ) before the fear of them not being met threatens to overwhelm the relationship.

What are expectations based on?

An individual’s expectations in relationships are based on several factors like personal values, family values, religious beliefs, cultural norms, #past (personal) experiences etc. Mostly these expectations are unique to the individual and might or might not always align with those of their partner. (hence the need for expectation setting!!)

Your Partner Cannot be everything that you need

Do not enter into a marriage or committed relationship believing that your partner is going to be “everything.” While it is good to wish that your significant other is the person who does every activity with you, enjoys every concert, gets excited about going to the same restaurants or sharing the same sports interests, remember that a #marriage (or any committed relationship) is made up of two different people with different backgrounds, interests, and passions. Hopefully, the majority will intersect, but it’s okay if some of them— don’t. That’s what friends, co-workers, family members, and others in your social circle are for.

In the longer run, it is perfectly healthy to have differences in hobbies or food habits or other areas of your life and that should not let you feel let down.

Trying new things /trying your way of doing things (as perhaps they did in the ‘casual/dating’ phase) is one thing but expecting your partner to become someone completely different/or change their preferences is another entirely.

Be Open to Changes

What you expect from a relationship in the early phase of dating or marriage may be quite different from what you want after you have been together for some time. Anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time. Feelings of love and passion change with time, the dynamics of the relationship will change as well.

Be Open to Differences

?It is difficult, but practical, to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. Unfortunately, there is often an expectation that our partner will change only in the ways we want. Stay open to the idea of ‘acceptance without conditions’ in some areas. They will change ONLY IF they want to. (smoking or fast driving )

Even if some of these wants match, it is unrealistic to expect that that he or she have the same wants in an identical priority list as yours. For example, you may both want #honesty and clear communication, but perhaps for your partner, honesty is more important than clear communication.

Express – DO NOT Presume wants & needs

While it is easy and often natural to assume that your partner knows your wants and needs, this is mostly not the case and can be the source of much disappointment in relationships. Better to lay it out explicitly than playing the guessing game.

?Even for couples that have been together for years, it is unrealistic to assume that our partner knows all our needs, wants and expectations. You, as an individual might have changed over time and your expectations as well. Expect the same about your partner too. Clear expectations will help keep the relationship more stable in times of changing situations in your external environment—like further studies or job change or relocating for better career prospects, parenting etc.

DON’T CONSIDER OCCASIONAL FAILURES TO MEET THE EXPECTATIONS AS THE NORM

Expecting your partner to be available at your every whim or to provide you comfort at every occasion is like wishing secretly that they fail. Try using #coping strategies, #friends , social circle or family temporarily & process the issues at hand with your partner later when they are available.

Do not try to control

Setting expectations does not mean controlling your partner’s life or preferences. Refrain from expecting your partner to end friendships/acquaintances with people of the opposite gender just because you say so (unless they have given you concrete reasons for the same in the past). This indicates your insecurities and trust issues .Discuss your “fears” with your partner to get unresolved issues sorted in a healthy way.

Don’t expect them to spend their entire free time /holidays with you. This is detrimental in two senses—one—it is too much to expect from one person and two—it depicts your unhealthy #codependency on your partner.

Do not look for solutions from your partner all the time or immediately after a situation arises

Remember they are human as well—just that their manner of processing issues maybe different from yours. In such scenarios, talk to each other and try to assimilate the other person’s perspective as well. Don’t jump to conclusions or become disheartened just because you do not get immediate gratification from your partner.

“You should be on my side no matter what.”

This is a condition---NOT a realistic expectation. If your partner does wrong, it’s your duty to say something to them about it.

?What when expectations are not met

Mostly you will realize that, it is the size of the discrepancy, or the difference, between expectations and realistic experiences/behavior that is ultimately predictive of relationship satisfaction. For women, as discrepancy increases, relationship satisfaction quickly decreases. For men, the decrease in satisfaction experienced as discrepancy increases is much less severe.

?Good quality of #communication between romantic partners contributes to relationship satisfaction. Even when couples have good communication, #conflicts in a relationship are often inevitable. While conflicts are most commonly perceived as negative, it is a normal part of many close relationships. Satisfied couples are more likely to discuss issues of disagreement maturely and healthily, whereas dissatisfied couples are likely to minimize or avoid conflict. Couples that avoid conflict may feel that they are “walking on eggshells” & may have a higher likelihood of building negative emotions towards their partner. The way partners manage conflict is a good indicator and predictor of relationship satisfaction.

?BE PREPARED TO “FIGHT FAIR”—If you are someone who views conflict as a threat to the relationship, and something to be avoided at all costs, you will often find that accumulated and unaddressed conflicts are the real threat. Healthy couples fight, but they “fight fair” - accepting responsibility for their part in a problem, admitting when they are wrong, and seeking #compromise .

REMEMBER HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE ONGOING MAINTENANCE --Most of us know that keeping a vehicle moving in the desired direction requires not only regular refueling, but also ongoing maintenance and active corrections to the steering to compensate for changes in the road. A similar situation applies to continuing relationships. While we may work hard to get the relationship started, expecting to move ahead without effort or active #maintenance typically leads the relationship to stall or crash! Though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small, nonmaterial things that partners routinely do for each other that keep the relationship satisfying.

Finding a #partner isn’t about finding someone to carry the weight of the world for you. It’s about finding someone whose journey complements your own. Let go of your out-of-this-world expectations and find better ways to manage what you want from your life and your relationships. To expect something from your partner that you wouldn’t do yourself is unfair, but you can check your perspective and rebuild with the right techniques. Well founded, well communicated, healthy relationship expectations will improve the relationship if set in the early stages of the relationship.?

#relationshipcoach #coaching #lifecoach #expecting #healthyrelationships