Expectation versus Reality: How to accept what is and maintain sanity in an insane world

Here’s a cathartic exercise for you:

Open up a new Word doc, think about the last month, and write down everything that angered, frustrated or annoyed you.?

These frustrations can run the gamut from something small like an colleague who left you off that important email thread, to world events that are unfathomable.?

Let it rip.

Note everything that you like to complain about.?This is your opportunity to exhaust every crazy-making thing about your boss, co-workers, family, friends, political villains.

Did you exhaust more than one page?

Next, take a look at your list of complaints.?

Do you notice that in each complaint there is a way something should have been that conflicted with what actually happened?

“If my manager had only done things the “right” way”…” or, “if the Seattle weather wasn’t so depressing...”?

Here’s the thing…

We have an expectation that the world will behave a certain way. And when it does not, we are disappointed, triggered or victimized.?

The conflict between how it should be and how it is angers us.?The greater we are emotionally invested, the greater the emotional reaction – in the form of sadness, fear, guilt or even downright hostility.?

We all have a picture of how things “should” work - how our boss should behave, the proper actions our coworkers should take, the right way to participate on video.

When the world [or person, process or event] matches our picture, life is good, all is right in the universe.?When it does not, then it’s wrong and we complain.?

If you’ve ever found yourself in this emotionally reactive loop you might be wondering:

How do you break this cycle?

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1.?????Notice that you have a choice.?

You can stay in the space where things are not as they should be and spiral in all the emotions that brings.?Or you can acknowledge the emotions, accept what is, observe how you react when something is “not right”, and move on.?

We call this the concept of two worlds.?

One is the world of expectation.?The ideal or perfect world.?

The other is the world of reality.?It’s acknowledging and accepting what is.

People will do and say things we don’t agree with. That’s reality. And it will often (ahem, usually) be different than what we think should’ve happened.?

You may not have a choice in world events or decisions that are made at work. But you do have a choice in how much emotion you allow in reaction to these events.

Reacting is automatic. There is no space between the event, the emotion and the reaction. It looks like this:

Event ?→ Emotion → Reaction.

When you can pause before reacting, it allows you to choose.

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2.?????Practice the skill of holding, or observing, the world of reality and the world of expectation in your head at the same time

Acknowledge when your expectations are not met and accept your reactions.?This is not about ignoring your feelings.?

Catch yourself if you get stuck in the world of “should” because it doesn’t allow you to deal with reality.?It limits your ability to act.

To move forward in your relationships and career it’s important to deal with people as they actually are.?Accept that their personality, values, priorities, beliefs and needs are likely different from yours.?They often deal with the world differently than you want them to. Their picture of the perfect world doesn’t actually match yours.

To be clear, I’m not advocating to roll over and accept “the way things are”.

The answer is to notice, build an awareness between how you think the world should work and how it really does and make a choice:

a)????You can grieve for the ideal that didn’t happen and endure the varying degree of emotional drama you’ll feel

b)???You can “give grace”, relax with what is and create your own sanity

c)????You can speak up, take action or have a courageous conversation to advocate for what you believe is right. (The secret to sanity on this one is that you cannot be attached to a specific outcome or you will loop right back into World 1, above)

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Where have you found yourself most often??

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Julie Schaller is president and founder of Career Growth Coaching. She helps leaders communicate their value and get great jobs. Learn more with the free video training: How To Build A Career Plan And Get To The Exec Level

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