The Expectation Problem

This idea is a little bit similar to something I’ve put forth before called “New People Features,” but I’m borrowing the idea this time from a HBR article about “Managing Someone Whose Life Has Been Upended,” and namely this section:

I spent the last five years talking to people about the biggest transitions their lives. What I learned is that the average adult experiences around three dozen disruptors in the course of their lives, that’s one every 12 to 18 months. These disruptors can be involuntary (a downsizing or a cancer diagnosis) or voluntary (starting a new venture, having a child).

It’s actually scary how much that tracks for me — I got laid off for the first time from a job about a week after turning 35 (had a good run 22–35, eh?), and then about 17 months later, my ex and I decided to divorce. So, yea. I would say about 17 months after that, I moved in with someone else, who I’m now married to (and honestly, that might also be a gap of about 17–20 months). So, this is a real life for many people. Obviously you hope they have more “opt-in” upheavals, i.e. children, than “involuntary,” i.e. parental death, but … life can be messy, and no one skips the second act.

Now bring in bosses

Now the question becomes: are standard managers, i.e. “bosses,” equipped to handle these moments in the lives of their employees? I would argue “No.” We know lots of things from research and anecdotal experience about management, namely that most managers are not very good at their jobs, few are trained very well, and most come to see their jobs as akin to logistics and “making the trains run” — even though CRMs do that now at most places — and often relay to researchers that they “want to avoid awkwardness with their employees.”

That last part seems rational. I mean, who actively runs towards awkward situations, except maybe Sasha Baron Cohen? But the problem is: a lot of times in companies, the only way you can make more money is to manage people. It’s the only track. People chase more money for a multitude of reasons, from “I have a big family now” to “I am selfish.” But if you need the direct reports to get the money, and then you get the direct reports and basically ignore them — which is called “absentee management,” FYI — then do you really deserve the extra cheddar?

But look at this life disruptors quote above. Every 12–18–24 months, someone on your team might go through a big life change. As their boss, shouldn’t you address that? Shouldn’t you be prepared to talk to them and be supportive of them and whatnot?

Might not be enough for a muffin, Thomas

True story: I worked at this place in 2014, and a dude who had been there seemingly forever got divorced from his wife of 17 years. His boss sheepishly handed him a Starbucks gift card worth a whopping $10, which is basically a coffee and a muffin. “Sorry this really sad thing happened to you and you’re questioning two decades of your life, Thomas. Here’s a free coffee.”

Is that “good” management? No. But in some respects, it’s all people know how to do — because, again, they’re not trained, they’re not self-aware, they want to avoid awkwardness, they’re afraid of being perceived as a “friend” to the employee, they want to keep the focus on KPIs/ROI, or whatever else.

Analyst bullshit

We’ve spent years and years now having these bloated windbag discussions about “employee engagement” and “employee experience,” even though they’re completely bullshit discussions to begin with — no executive in modernity has “employee experience” on their bonus checklist, and until that happens, it’s just a bunch of garbage slurred from the mouths of analysts — and yet, maybe we could “solve” everything if we just trained managers how to deal with real life happening for their employees. New baby? Mom passed away? Dad is sick? COVID? Divorce? Second marriage? Etc, etc.

People writ large don’t know what to say or how to deal with the big moments — I’ve been divorced, and I can tell you dozens of people you considered friends barely acknowledge it happened — and with managers, with the blurred line between “work” and “personal,” it can feel worse and clumsier.

What should managers do? Acknowledge elephants in rooms, offer to talk, offer to be there, offer to be flexible with work deadlines, offer to let the person throw themselves more into work if it’s what they need, just be a human being.

Is this actually happening? With some managers, of course. With most? I’d auger no. It’s kind of the same broad problem with managers generally not understanding the motivating factor of emotions.

Takes?