Expect Respect

Last week I posted a quote, “Truly powerful women don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage those who don’t give it to them.” This post has garnered a lot of attention and positive commentary. It took me years to really understand this and still, at times, I forget to adhere to this rule. But when I do remember the power of just expecting to be respected, it’s a game changer.

Generally speaking, we’re all in this situation: building credibility with your team, so they’ll work on a project you’re running; with your superior at work, so she will see you as high-potential and reward you with support and promotion; at your kids’ school meeting so people will listen to your point of view; with your friends, so they’ll help support your latest ideas. Any time we want to have influence we need others to respect us.

There are a few rules I personally follow to gain the respect of others be it in a personal or professional setting. Most of them are just ingrained in my behaviors now because I used to struggle with the need to explain why I deserved to be respected. As a rule, I don’t justify that anymore, rather I focus on my behavior and the respect usually comes as a result. If it doesn’t, I make a conscious choice not to engage further as it’s never worth my time.

Here are the things I do, on a daily basis, to gain respect:

1. Stop apologizing (so much). I recently posted an article from the NY Times that was called “Enough Leaning In. Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out.” This article really focused on assertiveness and how it’s been sold to women as a necessary trait to become equal to men in business. But, as the article correctly points out, “one man’s “assertive” is often another woman’s abrasive, entitled or rude.” I don’t want to be rude. However, too much apologizing makes me feel weak and lesser than those on the receiving end of my apology. There are appropriate times to say, “I’m sorry.” But those who say it hundreds of times every day lose credibility and appear to have a lack of confidence in their own abilities and decisions.
2. Start with the other person. I love to get people talking about themselves. I can have entire meetings that are one-sided in that I say barely anything about myself or my company. If the first impression people get is that you are interested in them, you will have much easier time being respected. Be genuinely interested of what is happening in people's lives. Act as an observer before speaking or taking action. If you authentically work to improve the environment for the betterment of all, respect will follow.
3. Believe in your ideas. The reason you have a seat at the table (any table) is because you deserve to be there. You are not “less than” any other person in the room. That said, your ideas are amazing even when they’re quirky and not mainstream. Embrace your creativity and follow through with your ideas. If you follow through you will achieve something great—and others will wonder how you came up with such a unique idea.
4. Speak your mind. When it is necessary, make sure you speak your mind. People who are highly respected have strong opinions on many topics, and lots of ideas about how to improve things. Don’t be afraid to put voice to these ideas. The same goes for if you’re mistreated. Say something! Don’t just take it when someone is mistreating you or taking advantage of you. Be professional and kind, but be unapologetic. Speaking up for yourself is not always easy to do, which is why it is the mark of a person deserving respect.
5. Be confident. Gaining the respect of others starts with respecting and believing in yourself. A lack of self-confidence is easily recognized. Remember your strengths and learn from your mistakes. Confidence comes from knowing that failure and imperfection are the paths to greatness. You’ll never truly be a success until you can learn from your failures and just make them a stepping stone on the way to something great.

Being respected helps elevate your profile in all aspects of life. Learning to look at our own behaviors and being willing to change them for the better is the first step in gaining others’ respect. Start by taking an honest look at yourself and how you treat the people around you. After that self-inventory, amplify the good behaviors and soon the detrimental ones will minimize. Respect is never just deserved. It is earned.

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