Expect Me To Be More "Rizz-ful" in 2024

Forget weight loss. My 2024 New Year’s resolution is to sound um…wait, uh…the word is on the tip of my tongue…sound…

Smarter.

Time is of the essence; right now some 13-year-old who received an artificial intelligence voice cloning tool for Christmas is probably doing it for me. I don’t want to see, and hear, myself on TikTok spewing all kinds of malarkey that I know never came out of my mouth.

OK, “malarkey” is probably not the best word to use if one wants to sound smart…wait, if one wants to sound shrewd and nimble-witted. There, that’s better. Thank you, Google Dictionary.? Instead, any chance I get, I vow to pepper my conversations with “rizz.”

Defined as, “the ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner,” rizz is the Oxford University Press Word of the Year.

As each year draws to a close, I look forward to the word of the year reveal with great anticipation. I’m not sure why Oxford gets to choose the word; I’ve been to Oxford University, and I couldn’t understand what anybody was saying, even though that may be due to my difficulty in deciphering strong English accents. That's why I quickly lost interest in Ted Lasso. It’s also why I will probably never date a British lady; constantly saying, “Can you repeat that?” is hardly rizz-like.

In years past, inserting the word of the year into casual conversation has proven quite easy. According to Oxford University Press, the word is chosen based on the? “ethos, mood, or preoccupations of that particular year and to have lasting potential as a word of cultural significance.” In 2013 that word was “selfie.” Even my 88-year-old mother has used that one.

Going back further, 2005 was a simple year, times two, as Oxford chose words for both the U.K. and U.S. dictionaries. The Brits were gifted with “sudoku” while we Yanks received “podcast.”? Kudos to Mom for embracing one of those words. I’ll let you, the reader, guess which one.

I have used “toxic,” the 2018 winner, multiple times this year. Perhaps that’s due to my impending divorce. Sadly, I struck out last year, failing to call out myself, or anybody for that matter, as entering “goblin mode.” The phrase which loosely is defined as giving one license to reject societal norms and embrace what, to the user, “feels right,” was the 2022 winner.

Rizz seemed like a perfect word to include in my online dating profile. “Funny, athletic and unlimited rizz” should generate some “likes” and “swipe rights” from members of the opposite sex.

One would think.

Instead, I got a lot of puzzled emojis and “???” responses.??

Maybe I needed to speak the word, as opposed to writing it.?

“That’s some serious rizz you have going,” I said to the woman who I met in my condominium’s lobby.

“I beg your pardon?” she asked, before checking her phone and dashing out the door.

Well, maybe I needed more time to explain what I meant. UberEats delivery drivers are always so rushed.

After a few more failed attempts, I started to realize that, as a 61-year-old man, my best rizz days may be behind me. But I have a whole year to remedy the situation. I will eat healthier, work out more and get more sleep, all of which should increase my rizz factor. Then, I will unleash my rizz qualities on an attractive woman who, knowing the word’s definition, will tell me she’s feeling serious rizz vibes, courtesy of me.

Together we will go back to her place, where we will spend the rest of the evening playing Sudoku and listening to podcasts.

Thank you, Oxford.

Dubbed "Your boss's favorite comedian" by HuffPost, Greg Schwem is a corporate humor speaker, nationally syndicated humor columnist and creator and host of the streaming TV series, A Comedian Crashes Your Pad. He vows to spend 2024 (like every year) making the corporate world laugh at itself