Exceptional Leaders: Do They Act Like The Friend Or The Enemy?

In politics, business, religion, community, or in any other area of life leaders have struggled with the balance of being feared and loved. Do leaders who shut off their emotions and push others to get the work done to have better results? Or are the inspiring, likable leaders who are very concerned with every individual get more from their “loyal subjects”? Which is more important for a leader?

Leaders who are likable are very good at:

• Staying in touch with issues and concerns of others.
• Being trusted.
• Acting as role models.
• Giving honest feedback in a helpful way.
• Being concerned about developing others.

On the other hand, Leaders who are demanding are very good at:

• Establishing high standards of excellence.
•  Getting people to stretch for goals that go beyond what they originally thought possible.
• Keeping people focused on the highest priority goals and objectives.
• Doing everything possible to achieve goals.
• Continually improving.

In my informal polls, I found that most people believe that being likable is more important. I thought this was an important enough question to be put to the test. First, I looked at data from 51,891 leaders who were measured on both dimensions and a variety of other leadership measures. The assessment was based on feedback from an average of 13 raters who were managers, peers, direct reports and others. The assessment provided an overall leadership effectiveness rating on each leader. What we know from our research is that this overall leadership effectiveness measure is highly correlated to important organizational outcomes such as turnover, customer satisfaction, sales, employee engagement, and profitability.

If leaders scored at the 75th percentile or higher on being demanding but were below the 75th percentile on likeability there was only a 1.2% chance of them being in the top group of leaders.

If, on the other hand, leaders scored at the 75th percentile or higher on likeability, but were below the 75th percentile at being demanding there was also only a 1.2% chance of them being an exceptional leader.

Leaders who were above the 75th percentile on both being likable and demanding had a 98% chance of being in the top 10% of great leaders.

I believe that there is a great lesson here. When my wife and I decided to build a new house I went to her and suggested the relationship with the contractor would work much better if there were a good cop and a bad cop. To which I promptly suggested, “I call good cop.” Most people would love to be liked, to be the good guy. Life is easier and you imagine that if you die your obituary will spell out all the wonderful things that you have done for mankind. The problem is, good guys only have a 1.2% chance of being great leaders.

Some people when they are put on a leadership position believe that their job is to hold people accountable, let people know when they mess up and keep people focused on the deliverables. They are demanding and set high standards. The problem is, demanding leaders have a 1.2% chance of being great leaders.

Parents start to choose one side of this equation or the other. They want to be their kid’s best friend or they want to be the supreme commander. And the problem is that the best leaders and the best parents need to do both. I think that most aspects of our lives embrace this dilemma every day. When I got up my children to go to school I would bounce into their rooms in the morning and say, “Good morning buddy, it’s a lovely day, you are such a wonderful child.” I wanted my children to have great self-esteem, but I also wanted them to get to school on time. As the clock ticked the approach changed until 5 minutes before school started I was standing at the back door point at the car saying, “Get in the car now!!!”

I also realize in this dilemma what works for me. I know how much I like being recognized and appreciated. I like it when people thank me for my efforts or recognize when I have worked hard to get an assignment accomplished. I also know that I need deadlines, that when people say, “This has to be accomplished by this date.” the probability that it will get done by that date goes up exponentially. I have taught my staff that it’s okay for them to remind me of commitments because I know I can forget.

In my view, this is the North and South Pole of our lives and we need to do both of these things fairly well to be successful. We all need to balance both sides of this equation, for all of us tend to lean more to the north or to the south. Keep in mind that there is a level set for effectiveness on each dimension. It is the 75th percentile. I define that level as above average, but not exceptional. The point is you can be at the 90th percentile on being demanding and all you need to do to balance the equation is to be pretty good (at or above the 75th percentile) on likeability.