Be Excellent To Each Other

When my mom passed away last November, I never imagined that in less than seven months, I would find myself again in the same situation with my father.??But here I am at a hospital bed in California as my dad prepares to transition out of this life.??And I find myself again turning to writing, as a means of processing the painful reality that I’m beginning to feel like a 45-year-old orphan.??In a providential twist, I had planned a while back to write this week’s topic on the catchphrase from the epic 1989 film, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, one of my favorite childhood movies.??I even rewatched the movie on Friday night to prepare, at the time, largely unaware of what this weekend would bring.??In the movie, two high schoolers, who are destined to change the course of history, offer as their centering philosophy, “be excellent to each other.”??I can find no words that offer more sound advice on how to live life well.??Today I have gotten to see this philosophy borne out in the idea that at the end of the day, love wins.??And for all the silly distractions, charades, and disputes that we allow to consume our days and control our emotions, love is what matters.??It makes life worthwhile, and I have seen how it transformed my family in unexpected ways.

Over the four and a half decades of my life, my relationship with my parents was difficult to say the least.??At one level there was a remarkable closeness early on that always yearned for deep relationship.??My dad worked his entire career on the railroad, and he would travel for extended periods.??As a young child, I remember the joyous intensity of waiting for him to come home.??I would sit in our front yard for hours, knowing that when he got there, we would get to do our walk to the local mall to get burgers and fries at a joint I would later go on to get a job at as a teenager.??My dad and I were members of the local Mall Walkers Club, and we even had a card on file where we would log our laps.??There was something special about those times that would make the hours of waiting entirely worth it.??Our dad’s work ethic was nothing short of astonishing.??He would tell you that God gave him a vision of marrying and having kids and everything he did was about bringing that vision to life.??With my mom’s skill in managing money, they accomplished the remarkable feat on a single, blue-collar income, of sending three kids to college simultaneously, without taking on debt.??My dad instilled in us the value of always giving your work 100 percent of your effort and never settling for second best.??I have no doubt that the reason I aim every day to be the best prosecutor I can,??is because of the example that he set.??He believed being a hard worker mattered, and it built character.??He encouraged us to work from a young age.??So, when I wanted to get a job at Chick-Fil-A at 14, and my mom resisted, it was one of the few times my dad put his foot down and made it happen.??When I would later drop out of high school and my mom thought it meant the end of my professional life, it was my dad who insisted that getting a GED didn’t have to be the end of anything.??And he was right.

But we also had our share of difficulties as a family.??I wrote a few weeks ago about the experience that would lead my sister and I to being in a foster home for some time until my parents could learn new methods of discipline.??I think looking back on it that every family has their ups and downs and their strengths and weaknesses.??The reality is that life is really difficult and we are all doing our best trying to figure this out.??We have to have a little grace and forgiveness we each other when we mess it up.??To use and Bill and Ted’s philosophy, we should just try to, “be excellent to each other.” We are just trying to do our best.??Sometimes, in the moment, we question whether that’s enough.??Grace is what assures us that it is.??Love is what makes the worst parts fade and the good parts remain.??As I grew older and realized I was gay, for many years it seemed like there would an insurmountable barrier to ever having a great relationship my parents.??While my faith has always been a central part of my identity, my parents’ fundamentalism made it exceedingly difficult for them to accept this part of who I was.??I grew accustomed to the idea that it would always be this way and that our relationship would lack a genuineness and depth to it.??Little did I know what love can do to transform people.??The emotional division between us notwithstanding, over the years we still maintained contact with a call once a month and a visit every year or two.??But it just seemed like we were always a far way away from recapturing our relationship at its best.??Things were strained and seemed obligatory.

When my mom passed away last November though, that relationship changed dramatically.??My dad, who was entirely dependent on her, had to go quickly into assisted living and reengage his relationship with all of us.??We began talking every day on the phone and I fortunately was able to visit him twice in person before this most recent trip.??Life took on a new joy for our dad.??And the same eagerness I had waiting for my dad’s car to turn the corner as I sat in the yard as a little kid anticipating him coming home, gave a similar feel to our daily calls at 6 a.m. his time.??The calls weren’t long, but they were enough to know that we deeply cared for each other.??Unfortunately, I have to admit, even some of those calls ended in arguments, but those disputes were few and far between because the memory of my mom’s recent death tried to focus on what matters.??My Dad would start to ask about my husband Greg every call, as well as Greg’s elderly mother.??The first time my dad told me to tell Greg that he loved him, it was like that moment of magical closure that you see in a Hollywood film.?

Honestly, even though he is just short of his 86th?birthday, we expected a longer period of time with my dad.??We had tickets to go to Miami this summer as a family and my dad was loving his new home in California, near my sister.??I will always be grateful that she would put aside the hurt of the past and insisted on moving our dad to a facility near her where she could provide consistent and loving care.??If she had not been on the ground, giving constantly of herself, he would not have had the quality of life that he did over the last six months and we would not have had the opportunity to have the kind of relationship with him that we did at the end.??Just like his love made that possible, so did hers.??Even after he went to the hospital a couple of days ago, things quickly seemed like they were getting better.??When I woke up yesterday morning, I didn’t see myself rushing to get to the airport before the day was over to fly across the country to get to my dad’s bedside.??But the call came that things had turned for the worst.??And I knew that what was more important than anything else was trying to see my dad while he was conscious, to let him know that our relationship was reconciled and we were at peace and to tell him face to face that I loved him.??Providence played its hand, and I was given the merciful gift of that moment.

What I had not anticipated was that I would encounter him in a somewhat frantic state, needing to see me as much as I needed to see him.??Wanting to make sure that I knew he loved me and needing Greg to know that he loved him.??Before finally falling asleep he would just say repeatedly “I love you.??That’s all that matters.”??After that his sleep has been much better.??He made his peace.???We aren’t a family that was historically very emotional.??But over the last six months, I’ve learned how important it is to tell those around you that you love them while you have the chance to do so.

Which brings us back to the remarkably simple but true value of Bill and Ted’s philosophy.??The last six months have taught me how immeasurably short life is.??It is too short for old grudges.??It is too short to be bound to the pain of the past.??It is too short for anything but love and forgiveness.??And the best life begins we wake to the reality that we walk this short time together.??To echo what Ram Dass said, “we are all just walking each other home.”??And while we are privileged to wander that path together as colleagues and friends, may be able to make it more joyous and lighten each other’s load by heeding the words of Bill and Ted to, “Be excellent to each other.”

David A. Lord

Deputy Commonwealth's Attorney

City of Alexandria