The Evolution of My Purpose: I want to be a healer and this is the story to my why.

The Story of Finding My Purpose:

I am born in South Africa but grew up in Namibia and the early 70’s. These were extremely turbulent times which included fleeing South West Africa (Namibia) with the outbreak of the Angolan war in 1975 when I was 4 years old. Our formative years involved growing up doing bomb drills, cadets (marching long hours in the heat to learn discipline). Our extracurricular training in primary and secondary school was mandatory and included more drills treating basic wounds, snake bites, splinting fractures and staying calm and disciplined. Morning assembly involved standing on parade, hoisting our national flag and singing our national anthem followed by prayer every day for 12 years. Sport was another mandatory requirement. We take pride in competing and everybody had to participate. If you don’t make the team you chalk the grounds, prepare the pits and you sing. Everyone had a role to play and a purpose. We have something called inter schools where we compete against other schools in all sport, athletics, netball, rugby and swimming. Maybe this is the reason we love rugby so much?

If you don’t compete you have to be on the pavilions supporting and that is done through raucous singing, coordinated and synchronised movements to put on a spectacular show. Our school uniforms required pride and precision too. We had to wear it correctly with exact measurements of two fingers below the knee, blazers and ties, with polished shoes. Long hair tied away and all boys had to have it cut short. Early in life we are required and taught to take pride in everything we did and to perform or contribute to the best of our abilities. Now that I am older and wiser, I firmly believed that it prepared us for national service and gave us discipline for every day.

Frequent mantras would be “figure it out”, “solve it”, “this is no place for sissies” (referring to being weak and pathetic). Punishment was plenty in schools and at home. We grew up with the bible in our hand, daily prayers, church and catechism every week without fail. Later, I have come to realise that it served a lot of purpose for different reasons. When I am in a tight spot or a dark place I revert to prayer and reach for the bible or spiritual posts. I seek guidance but I also get a lot of comfort reverting to what I learned growing up. It gave me structure and discipline and a deep gratitude for every day, including the people in it. It is full of hope and resilience and gave us something to hold onto especially for what followed. South Africa is one epic drama and we were entering a very dark period.

National service was compulsory and only stopped in 1994 when Nelson Mandela was released, and the Angolan war was starting to fizzle out and finally end in 2002. Most boys finished high school to be loaded onto trains and transported to various training camps and learn to become fighting men either in South African Defence Force (SADF) or South African Police (SAP). Many households only consisted of woman as the men were away on patrols (reserve force) or called up to serve. Daily news consisted of waiting to see who would come back safely and time spent on our knees praying for our loved ones. Uncles, fathers, brothers, boyfriends and so forth. We waited and we prayed. We gave thanks on their return and we cried and sought solace for the ones who didn’t. Meanwhile another internal conflict was playing itself out within our borders.

South Africa’s black population is revolting and rising up against apartheid but also against each other. We have many tribes and 11 official languages which means there is more war than peace amongst each other and a lot of xenophobia. Our TV broadcast masses of black people armed with machete’s and knobkieries (short stick with a knob to bludgeon) attacking police, each other and whatever comes in their way. The scenes are menacing and violent. One of the worst forms of punishment they metred out is necklacing. They would hang a tyre filled with petrol around a person’s neck and set it alight. This person would suffocate from the black acrid smoke whilst their faces are melting off and they are helplessly trying to flee with their hands tied behind their backs. These scenes will play out on national television and we would stare horrified, transfixed, filled with terror but mostly dread and profound hopelessness. Writing this piece I feel the weight come and sit in my stomach and in my heart. I wanted no part of this. The horrors of our SAP shooting into crowds and the aftermath of people lying in the streets bleeding to death on both sides. These incidents unfortunately also played out in our backyards and communities too. I have witnessed numerous atrocities in our streets and in friends’ households. So much violence.

Another ingredient thrown into the mix of atrocities were tribalism. There is a deep-seated belief in the sangomas (witch doctors) who practice tribal medicine and perform shamanistic rituals for healing, hexes, crops and all sorts of requests. They rule with fear and practice medicine using natural plants, animal and the occasional human parts. Many farmers paid a sangoma to safeguard their farms and a big show would be made of this ritual at the farms main gate.

It usually involved slaughtering a chicken or pinning a monkey or baboon head to the gate. This would ward off evil but definitely worked against theft and believing that a piece of land is hexed and best avoided, safeguarding property and people living within.

SA also experienced many sanctions from all over the world due to our apartheid regime. We were not allowed to compete in our beloved sports especially rugby, swimming and athletics and were excluded from decisions and directives. We can only watch from the peripheries which meant we reverted to within our own means. This created a deep resolve that we can fix things ourselves which in turn generated opportunities and a maverick disposition. I think this is what created a little chip on every South Africans shoulder. We can and will look after ourselves.

There was this attempt to keep life as normal as possible. Holidays and weekends were spent on our farm. Here we learned to shoot, drive, tracking spoor and learning about nature in a relaxed way. We cooked outdoors on open fires and spent nights around candles learning about our ancestry and planning our future. Our farm still doesn’t have electricity to this date – we are too remote and the countryside too wild. I learned to drive a 4x4 around the age of 10 and tackled roads which can only be reached with a 4x4 through deep ruts, dongas and thick sand and bush. I worked for my father (an irrigation engineer) aged 12. He had several teams erecting centre pivots and building pump stations and laying pipes on several sites in neighbouring Venda. I was responsible for moving and instructing these teams. Fetching heavy machinery or operating a digger or carrying a staff when he was doing surveying.

Now in hindsight I am often struck by the cheek of it all. Here is a 12-year-old girl giving instruction to fully grown competent men on what they are supposed to do having no experience myself. How utterly disrespectful and wrong but it did give me leadership skills, confidence and I learned to problem solve very early on. Working on such sites one just had to. My attitude has never been one of I can’t. My attitude to life is let’s give it a try and figure it out. Solutions ultimately comes. This is also a bit maverick as I seek to solve within and not look outside. The decisions and actions lay within my hands and capabilities and I rely and trust upon myself something which later in life will come to haunt me and change my trajectory. However, I did not know better or learned anything else.

Living on an African farm we had daily little interesting events. Antelope frequented my mother’s luscious garden sometimes chased off by the zebras (doing that strange braying sound I love). We even had some giraffe eating off our thatched roof. Troupes of baboon would arrive in summer ravaging our mangos, mealies and pumpkins. They bring destruction and devastation and can be very intimidating especially the lookout and the leaders with large teeth and walking on hind legs. They would sometimes attack our dogs or capture our new-born kids. That is when I really wanted to be a good shot. Mostly I have no aggression and no wish to handle a gun apart from when the baboons arrive. Occasionally we would have a leopard paying a night-time visit moving gracefully between our sleeping quarters and the main house with a soft purring sound. The bush pigs were a hindrance as they borrowed and created deep holes which you either trip in unexpectedly or they eat through the plastic pipes that feeds the house. Leaving us without water. Snakes were part of everyday life and you learned to look out for snakes and scorpions in your bedding, shoes and surrounds. Everybody is taught on what to do when bitten or injured. We mostly took care of our wounds and injuries (there were many) before seeking medical help and mostly it worked.

One school holiday aged 14 I went for a sleepover with my best girl friend to her aunt’s farm on the border of Zimbabwe and SA. As per usual the men were away patrolling the border and us girls (one woman, her 2 small children, me and my bestie) were left behind to man the fort. It wasn’t strange to be given a drill in case of emergency. The drill was if any abnormal sounds or movement to switch all the household lights off and rouse the household in silent mode. Gather the household in the middle of the house where we are more protected and can cover all the entrances. Each one was given a task. Retrieve guns, switch on outside flood lights and call the army. A good thing we were prepared because on our second night her aunt appeared in the doorway and we had to execute the drill. We were surrounded by soldiers but not friendlies. They spoke an African language which her aunt understood, and they were planning to break in and destroy she translated to us. I was given an Uzi (short stubby machine gun) which I have never used in my life. She showed me how to put it on rapid fire and gave me instructions to shoot and keep on shooting if any of our defences were breached. Now we wait for the army. I wish I can say that I have been very brave, but I have learned an amazing thing about my body that night. I was so incredibly scared, and I prayed very deeply and whilst praying I feel into the deepest sleep I have ever experienced only to be woken when the army arrived clutching my Uzi. They apprehended a handful of soldiers following their tracks several days later. Not until I was much older and reflected on life as one does that, I came to realise how strong, resilient but above all desensitised we (my family and friends) have become in accepting this as a way of life. It seems we all have resigned ourselves to the fact that this is normal, and we live for another day. We off course give praise to God and give our thanks but tomorrow we go on as if nothing ever happened. However, little by little I am being formed and shaped to the person I am to become and the choices I am going to make in life. I am learning from the school of hard knocks which is going to stand me in good stead.

Finding my Purpose:

As all of these incidents played out growing up, I was continuously questioning the purpose of it all. Where is my place in all this? I am so many things and yet I have no purpose. I felt hopeless in the light of all the destruction, pain, killing and unfairness. I am sick to my very soul of the hatred, conflict, fighting and senseless killing. How can I make a difference? To top it all my father went bankrupt for the second time in a short period. His income is very dependent on the farmers success and apart from poor business decisions we also had nature and droughts to content with. We had to move out of the house I grew up in and start over. One more (big) influence is the story of my ancestry. I am born into aristocracy and come from a strong Prussian line known as Jackel von Abendburgh. My great great grandparents fled Prussia with nothing during the world war and ended up in South Africa leaving behind castles and land with many precious heirlooms and tapestry. There are many stories of their lives and difficulty in the forests hiding from the enemy in deep winter living off meagre supplies. Our history is one of soldiers, ministers and healers. Despite their great adversities they ended up and died on the farm I have grown up on.

They built hospitals and churches and made a difference trying to better others and themselves. Their journey left me with a deep resolve to never give up in adversity. I know that I am not a fighter, but I realised that I am and want to be a healer. The world desperately needs healers.

I WANT TO BECOME A HEALER

I want to make a difference wherever I am. I want to change things from within where I possibly can. It involves humans, animals, nature and the planet because I love every part of it. I care deeply for each and respect it’s place and purpose in the world. I don’t understand it all, but I can make a difference where I am. I believe that when you impact and restore one person, they can hopefully impact positively where they are.

I was taught that every human being is created to the image of God and put on this earth for a purpose. They have value. They majority of parents looked forward to the birth of their child and raised them in love. To take that life and give it so little value was abhorrent in my eyes. I want to preserve life and dignity at all cost. I deeply care what happens to a person and how to restore them. I wanted to preserve life no matter what or whom.

I have the brain to learn, the heart to care and the hands to do it with.

Deep within me is this eternal hope and trust. Trust that things will work out for a reason and hope that everything happens with a purpose and that it shapes us to serve in some way later in life. I have learned that when you force a blooming flower to open because you want to see its colours you only serve to destroy it. It has to open in its own time, and it will reveal itself in all its glory. Everything happens for a reason and in its own time. Advice I heed and respect to this day.

So, I decided to go and study nursing. It was four years in which I will qualify in general and community nursing, midwifery and psychiatry. This journey filled me with excitement. It fitted into my experience of mind, body and soul from conception of life to its very end. I am now 19 and have a backpack full of determination, resilience, eternal hope, optimism trust in God, some knowledge of healing and wound care and my enduring character of excitement, enthusiasm and integrity. Sprinkled with a lot of maverick. I am setting off to change the world bit by bit and one person at a time. 

Thank you for reading. This is a journey of discovery but the next chapters is leading to how and what I now actually do and have learned. I hope there are things that I might add to your growth and development. Always with respect Tania Malan - Founder and Director of Uniskin Wellness Clinic. Our goal is to restore and regenerate a person to allow them to live their best life. We only have one and it is incredibly precious.