Gossip & Ethics

Dedicating today's post to an unfortunate, persistent gossip...

What's a Gossip?

Gossips are generally seen as being untrustworthy and meddlesome individuals who stir up trouble for others, which can lead to a broad range of feelings from mild annoyance to the complete disruption of another person's life, business, etc.

A person who engages in gossip about others is most likely also gossiping about everyone in their circle. They're not actual friends to anyone.

Based on my own observations, gossips are usually folks who fall into one of two categories:

• Low EQ Gossip: This type of gossip struggles with a troublesome degree of low self esteem they find unmanageable... a sense of instability or insecurity that they can't seem to shake... or a reality that's left them either scarred or dissatisfied to a level they find at least intermittently overwhelming. Rather than letting folks gossip about and point fingers at them, their go-to move is to engage in gossip about someone else to distract others from coming too close or questioning them about their lives.
• Social Climber: This type of gossip has classic "gold digger" tendencies and social aspirations. They plan on charming and finessing others by conspiratorially "letting them in on something," but really they're just pushing others down so they can climb up the ranks to the next social circle.

Types of gossip

“Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” (Ex. 20:16)

The ninth commandment was originally focused on perjuring oneself, but it applies to lying or communicative misdirection in general. From very early on in history we're called upon to support human integrity, honesty, and other moral values.

"Bearing false witness" includes starting and spreading rumors.?

It is a commandment that emphasizes the importance of honesty and fairness in our interactions with others. It forbids lying, equivocating, and any way of deceiving our neighbor.

For those who are unaware, common forms of gossip manifest themselves as one or more of the following:

• "fishing" for a big detail by offering one small detail about someone;
• persistently sharing opinions to garner some sort of sympathy;
• persistently inquiring about a person, drawing unwanted attention to them;
• sharing private (or partially true) information in the name of seeking "advice";
• "venting" a frustration or anxiety about others;
• openly spreading rumors or comments (at work, an event, etc.) that will harm a person's reputation.?

Doesn't everyone gossip at least a little?

Yes, nearly every person does occasionally engage in gossip, often unintentionally. However there are times where intentional, malicious gossip is generated for the sake of creating a state of chaos for one or more people within a community.

At its root, gossip stems from an inability to appreciate oneself and others.

Putting an end to gossip requires making consistent changes in the ways we think about, value and respect others.?A mindful person actively does their best to avoid gossip at all costs because they're aware of the fact that it can become a pathological habit -- and one that can potentially destroys the peace and happiness of others.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" (Jn 8:7).

No one has the right to gossip, judge and condemn another person... Everyone has a flaw. Critiquing and gossiping a person over something they've said or done rather than approaching the person directly to address the issue only adds negativity. A mindful person takes stock in what he/she will say and focuses on positive action, a quality we support at Philo4Thought.

Biblical Quotes About The Nature of Gossip(s)

Every week those of us to get ourselves to church hear the prompt to "Be Attentive" and hear what is being shared with us. But the simple, logical thoughts provided below are fairly straightforward and common -- messages one would encounter in any community. Let's check out the top seven concerning gossip...

"A gossip betrays a confidence... A trustworthy man keeps a secret." (Prov. 11:13)

There's an old Greek expression, "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." That is to say, the quality of those with whom we connect or interact are a reflection of who we are -- or who we wish to become. Those who engage in reckless chatter decrease their own value and reputation -- and with that, the value and reputation of those who entertain their ramblings.

A person who doesn't engage in gossip holds a greater value than anyone can measure.

"Condemn 'busybodies' who 'speak about things not proper to mention'.” (1Tim.5:13; 2Thes.3:11)

As Elenor Roosevelt once said, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Think about which of these three types of conversationalist you are... Next time you think to share a bit of information with someone, stop to consider what you're discussing.

Is it really worth gossiping just to keep up a conversation? What value do you add to a person's life by gossiping? (HINT: None.)

"A perverse man stirs up dissension... A gossip separates close friends." (Prov. 16:28) "Gossip [is] the result of a depraved mind..." (Rom.1:29; Cor.12:20)

What is the intention or motivation behind gossip? Perhaps it's the result of some involuntary state of mental incontinence (similar to the morally incontinent sort Aristotle discusses in Nicomachean Ethics). Perhaps it's driven by some purposefully malicious intent to generate trouble. Perhaps it's generated to try to establish some advantage for the person who engages in misleading dialogues that lead others to form incorrect opinions about the subject of the gossip.

Arguably, genuine friends can't be parted as easily as this passage seems to indicate, however in the case of newer associations, which can be relatively fragile, an ill-intentioned word here or there could put an end to what might have been a very productive personal or professional relationship.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs." (Eph. 4:29)

There isn't much clarification needed here. Our task, per the "Golden Rule" (to do to others as we'd like others to do to us) and this quote combine to remind us to raise one another up rather than to tear one another down. The team at Philo4Thought works diligently year-round to help others establish their Positive Professional Identity and to maintain a healthy state of mind, particularly when one is navigating one's life through a time of duress.

Having said this, there are logical limits to what anyone can do when someone insists on hanging on to the negative, on propagating gossip and rumors, on finding joy in the suffering of others.

As the popular adage goes, "You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." A person has to want to see and manifest the positive in work and in life, to want direct and honest communication with others rather than the backdoor chatter that gossips tend to generate.

How To Stop A Gossip

"Don't associate with a gossip."?(Prov. 20:19)

This is really the bottom line. Gossip is the product of an idle mind. It's an activity that wastes everyone's time and energy. If you somehow find yourself involved with such a person, find a polite way to disengage and disassociate yourself.

Nothing good ever comes from gossip. To stop gossip, an individual should?refuse to engage in conversations about others. If someone is persistently gossiping, consider privately addressing the behavior with them to encourage more constructive interactions.?

Key strategies to stop a gossip in their tracks:

• Promote Open Communication: To truly support a culture in which everyone feels comfortable addressing concerns openly it's essential to shut down the efforts of those who tend to resort to gossip as a go-to mode of inquiry or expression.?
• Use Mindful Wording: Avoid participating in gossip yourself, even if it's just listening.?
• Change the Subject:?When gossip starts, subtly shift the conversation to a different topic.?
• Focus on Positivity:?Actively promote a positive environment. Encourage a conversational shift to topics pertaining to positive news, accomplishments, or shared goals rather than harping on negativity and destructive commentary.
• Foster Positive, Direct Communication:?Direct communication is a very respectful mode of expression. If you hear gossip about someone, suggest they talk to that person directly to resolve any issues rather than spreading problematic assumptions that can harm both the speaker and the subject (either intentionally or unintentionally).?
• Directly Decline & Withdraw:?State, clearly and openly, that you're not comfortable talking about others and that you don't want to get involved in negative conversations. If the person chooses to continue gossiping, it's ok to back away from that association rather than becoming partisan to toxic dialogues.?
• Private Confrontation:?If necessary, address the person gossiping privately and explain how their behavior is impacting the community, your network, etc.?

How To Address Someone Gossiping About You

• Be Direct: Try facing the person who is responsible for the gossip to find the root of the problem and possibly find a resolution.
• Ignore It & Push Through The Temporary Challenge: In circumstances where the stakes are low and minimal damage is done, it's best to just ignore it and leave the person alone. The gossip will ultimately die down.
• Seek Professional Support: In circumstances when gossip has become particularly destructive or distracting it's a good idea to seek a professional counselor (a priest, ombuds, etc.) who is able to provide confidential assistive support in addressing the situation.
• Report Harassment: In instances that fall beyond the scope of gossip and are impacting your professional or personal life in significant ways (e.g., in the workplace), it's important to file a harassment claim with your Human Resources representative, who can address those involved in the gossip.
• DO NOT Counter Gossip with Gossip: Nothing good can come from trying to move the gossip mill in the other direction with the intention of getting back at the person who started the unwanted streaming commentary to begin with. There are so many more logical things to do with your time. Remember that in the end the person is most likely not worth your trouble or effort... and they know it.

Positive Professional Identity

Ultimately, you can't convince someone who is intentionally gossiping to change their ways. You can only place the request and hope that they'll comply without having to be nudged by a professional (as is the case with extreme gossip, particularly in the workplace).

It's important to stay calm and not show that the offensive behavior is upsetting your life in any way. Maintain YOUR positive professional identity even when others exhibit their lack of common sense and good taste.