Everything is Related to Healing

Six months ago today, I took a step backwards off of my deck, fell to the concrete below, and crushed my wrist. In June I had surgery to stabilize the bones and repair the nerve bundle and tendons. In July and August, the pain slowly receded and I regained use of my hand.  

The last six months have been pretty difficult. One of the biggest challenges I’ve had is learning to deal with a level of excruciating, constant pain. To be honest, there were several days when I wondered if life with this level of pain would be worth it. And my mind played some pretty crazy tricks on me. As I was working through the process of regaining mobility and the pain that comes with that, I would have these physical flashbacks—so strong that my heart would hurt and I would almost throw up.  

But towards the end of August, I began experiencing new, searing pain. Several x-rays and procedures later, I received the diagnosis:  I had healed too much. My wrist is riddled with scar tissue, and that scar tissue is impinging on the very nerves it is trying to protect.  

Naturally, being the nerd that I am, this has prompted me to do a lot of research on scar tissue.  It turns out that scar tissue is one of those things that is great in moderation, but terrible in excess. In order to accelerate the process of getting things back to normal, the body replaces injured tissue with very dense, fibrous tissue. In the beginning, this tissue protects from pain and stabilizes the area. But eventually, this tissue restricts movement and ultimately reduces the nerves’ blood supply.  

Six months into my recovery, every instinct still screams at me to wrap my wrist in bubble wrap, isolate it completely, and try very, very hard to avoid even a hint of movement. However, in the ongoing saga that is my recovery process, I have been given a different assignment. In fact, these days, my main recovery task involves intensely rubbing and manipulating the wound, stretching and pushing and smashing against the skin and tendons and bones. It turns out that I need to break up the scar tissue in order to truly heal. Only by reliving the pain again and again in small doses can I reduce the deep nerve pain that the wound has left behind.

Now, I’m not one of those people who believes that everything is related to something. But I do believe that some things are related to everything. And the scar tissue is one of those things.  

Last night, I sat up late, watching the news. As images of a horrific mass shooting in Pittsburgh, PA filled the screen, I rubbed and stretched and pulled on my scar tissue. It was hard to know if the tears that filled my eyes were from the pain in my wrist, or the pain in my soul. And I wondered—is there any path back to health for America?  Are we now so hurt by hatred, so galvanized by our differences, so fearful of being injured by others, that life at this level of pain is just not worth it?  Aren’t we better off staying behind the protective scar tissue of our political parties, our ethnic groups, our bro culture, our religious views? Isn’t that easier and less painful than going back to the painstaking, slow, and hurtful dialogue that leads to true healing? 

Although I’m sometimes tempted to give up on humanity and to give up on myself, I find that I cannot do that. Not now. Not when I am so close to experiencing what it means to truly heal. True healing is not perfection, nor is it the absence of pain. True healing is choosing to take, every day, the strongest path forward. It is courage and fear in equal measure. It is forgiveness in the midst of anger, and empathy in the face of disgust.  #

“Ultimately, America's answer to the intolerant man is diversity.”

-Robert F. Kennedy