Not Everyone Wants to Be Happy. Here's Why
Wanda Thibodeaux
Author | Mental Health Advocate | Faith-Work Aligner; Host, Faithful on the Clock podcast (faithfulontheclock.captivate.fm)
We all say we want to be happy and successful. But have you ever found yourself
All of these are examples of self-sabotage, and they happen regularly in the workplace. This reality begs the question: If everyone really wants to be happy, then why do some of us shoot ourselves in the foot?
It's a safety issue
As licensed therapist Katie Morton explains, although most of us genuinely want to find joy, for some people, the concept of being happy is actually frightening. This fear has a name: cherophobia.
One of the biggest reasons behind this fear is that those individuals don't know how to handle happiness or success. They push it away because they have no concept of what to do when they get to the next level, and they're scared that they won't be able to maintain happiness once they have it. They would rather stay where things are chaotic or suboptimal because at least that is familiar -- the experience of happiness raises all kinds of red flags because it's not the norm they're used to dealing with and, therefore, feels unsafe.
Connected to this issue is that people who have been in really unstable situations often can't count on happiness to last. For them, joy is a fleeting cloud that floats away the minute they turn their back. They're always waiting for the next shoe to drop, because in the past, it always did.
Then there's the concept of selfishness. Research has confirmed that happier people actually exhibit more selfish behavior. So some individuals think that if they're happy, they aren't being empathetic enough to others who suffer. They feel like being happy means being a bad, egotistical person. To prove they aren't bad and thereby avoid rejection from others, they intentionally stay in what's painful.
With these points in mind, it might be more accurate to say that some people fear getting hurt, rather than to say they don't want to be happy or successful. But they vehemently will self-protect before they allow themselves to embrace contentment.
How rejecting success and happiness hurts
From the worker's perspective, embracing safety at the expense of your happiness can mean that you never get into a work experience that helps you develop to your full potential. You might always struggle financially and interpersonally because you never stretch yourself into new situations that are outside of your experience or comfort zone.
But the issue has huge leadership implications, as well. About a third of people around the world (30.5 percent) have been exposed to four or more traumatic events, and 5 percent of Americans meet the criteria for PTSD. Millions more experience some form of neglect, rejection, abandonment, or other emotional suffering that has a lifelong influence on the way they see themselves and their opportunities. (And by the way, workaholicism can be a primary trauma and neglect coping mechanism that perpetuates the unhappiness cycle, driving people to abuse or not pay attention to partners and kids.) So at some point as a leader, you'll likely deal with someone with real talent or skill who holds themselves back.
Taking your happiness back
If you're a worker who struggles to accept your own joy, one of the healthiest things you can do is to allow yourself to sit in it. I know, I know. Seems counterproductive, right? If happiness makes you uncomfortable, why would you ever want to sit in stress?
Therapist Emma McAdam has an answer: If you constantly run away from what makes you feel bad (in this case, happy events or circumstances) and you stay out of pain, your brain essentially points a knowing finger to the sky and says, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-HA! See?! Avoidance keeps me safe! So let's do a ton more of that!" You avoid more. And more. And more. So your tolerance for what's uncomfortable actually decreases, ultimately increasing your stress around your triggers.
By contrast, if you learn to acknowledge your emotion as neither good nor bad, but just a passing experience that's trying to communicate something to you, the brain learns that it doesn't have to get you to run away from your triggers for you to be safe. Each time you can get through the emotions, you have evidence that the shoe didn't drop. You survived. You'll be OK.
Once you have a little practice with this, you can start digging into why happiness is scary for you. Typically, you have to peel back a few layers of the onion to get a real answer:
Suppose you keep putting off updating your resume and, subsequently, letting great jobs slip through your fingers:?
Layer 1: Why are you putting off updating your resume?
Because it’s a lot of work.
Layer 2: Why does the idea of a lot of work bother you?
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Because it’s overwhelming.
Layer 3: Why does it seem overwhelming?
Because I’ve never had people to help me with stuff.
Layer 4: Why didn’t people help?
Because we didn’t have any money so they were always working.
This technique was popularized for business by Toyota Industries founder Sakichi Toyoda. The method, which emphasizes countermeasures rather than solutions, is based on asking why five times to find a root issue. But when you're exploring psychologically, it's OK to keep on drilling down through as many whys as you need to until you reach the real causation behind your feelings and behavior.
Once you know where your beliefs come from, actively challenge them. One effective strategy is to call out familiar thoughts when you have them, such as "There's that old idea that [x] again. I know where that comes from, but I don't have to believe or act on that anymore."
Even better, make it actionable toward positive change and the person you want to be: "That old belief made me [x]. But I'll put myself back in the driver's seat by [countermeasure]." Identifying what you stand to gain from embracing success and what you stand to lose if you don't can motivate you even further to do something different. And if you attach your countermeasures to your true core values, you'll be more likely to follow through on them.
A good therapist, pastor, spouse, or even a partner can help you identify your core values and work on your gain/lose perspective list. But a willingness to be truly present, mindful, and aware is key.
Helping others find joy
If you're a leader who sees that someone isn't taking shots they should take, don't simply try to pressure them into roles or positions they don't want, as this only will increase their stress and make them resentful toward you. Keeping their autonomy and choice intact is imperative. Instead, work on strengthening the relationship you have with them
With that trust in place, work as a champion for the worker. This might include reducing the resistance/hurdles the individual has to taking the new option (e.g., offering a more flexible schedule), going through training or other activities with the individual as a supportive partner, connecting the worker with other advocates (counselors, mentors, etc.), or sharing your own stories to help the worker understand that you empathize.
You also can offer both regular and unexpected affirmations and recommendations to communicate and clarify your concept of what the worker deserves and is capable of doing.
On a broader scale, there are organizational or policy strategies that can help people from getting stuck. For instance, you might work with your HR department to establish a program that helps workers to identify areas where workers excel in ways that might qualify them for other roles within the business. The program also could help workers to develop career course goals, outlining both why those goals make sense and the point-by-point steps the workers need to cover to move forward.
Get ready to break the ceiling
Generally, the assumption is that people run toward happiness. But many people do the opposite, intentionally avoiding what could give them joy and success. This tendency often is fear-driven out of a basic need to feel safe, so it's important not to see yourself or others who engage in this type of behavior as being simply lazy or lacking ambition. Committing to inner work or getting help from other supportive people can dig down to the root cause of the fear and reestablish the sense of safety necessary to stop self-sabotage and shatter both personal and organizational ceilings.
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