Everyone Had Goals During Conflict

Conflict is the perception of incompatible goals. This is a concept that lives first and foremost in your mind. You believe you’re at odds with someone else, so you are. Perception is reality, after all. Whether you move past that belief to explore whether you are actually in conflict, and what can be done to resolve it, is up to you. It’s more uncomfortable than simply walking away and burying your head in the sand, hoping that the conflict will magically resolve itself. But it never does. Even if it subsides, if underlying feelings are never addressed they will infect your future interactions with others.

The acute discomfort of dealing with a problem here and now is better than living with the chronic disease that ultimately kills many relationships in the end. We’ve all experienced this at some point in our lives, and the lost time in addressing the problems can never be recovered.

During conflict, people have positions (overt, content-related goals) and they have the interests that lie beneath them. Too many people focus only on positions without getting to the core of the issue: why others have taken up their positions. Identify the why and you can begin to truly address the conflict in a way that helps you understand others better and maintain the relationship along the way.

For example, if I said that my goal was to double my salary at work, which was incompatible with my boss’s goals, we have identified two conflicting positions. These positions are the seemingly incompatible goals. The real questions that help us resolve conflict are: Why do I feel that doubling my salary is appropriate or needed? Why does my boss have a different position on the issue? The why behind my goal could be (1) I have done market research and concluded that doubling my salary brings me in line with what others are paid for similar positions elsewhere; (2) I have found out that the two other people in my same position within the company are being paid twice what I am; (3) I have a gambling or drug problem and need the additional money to fuel my habit; or (4) I’m getting divorced and need the additional income to pay alimony. These reasons are likely to invoke different reactions from the boss, based on their understanding of why I want my salary increase.

The boss’s position that they aren’t willing to agree on doubling my salary may be based on (1) The need to control expenses and be responsible with the department’s budget; (2) Data that indicates I am already being paid competitively compared to the external market for my job; (3) Information that shows I am being paid similarly to my coworkers in the same position; (4) The fact that my performance in the role hasn’t been acceptable or doesn’t warrant such a significant pay increase; or (5) The risk to the company of losing me and the ease of replacing me at my current pay and performance levels is one the boss is willing to take.

I’m giving you a workplace example here, but the same would apply to any conflict situation. My greater understanding of why the boss can’t agree to my salary increase request, just as the boss’s greater understanding of why I made the request in the first place, helps resolve the conflict. As most conflicts are fueled by gaps in perception, the inability to empathize with another’s point of view, or communication problems, a greater understanding of each other’s interests is a positive tool for conflict resolution. And it always comes back to feelings in the end.

I may feel I am being mistreated, disrespected, taken advantage of, or undervalued if I believe I’m not being paid fairly compared to the external market or my coworkers. My raise request might be fueled by fear or anxiety if it is related to my divorce and worry about meeting my future financial obligations. If fueled by my gambling or drug addiction, my feelings could also be fear, anxiety, stress, and the insatiable need to satisfy a destructive habit.

My boss’s position to not grant my request may be fueled by their own feelings of fairness, obligation to be a good steward for the company, sense of duty, or fear of repercussions if they did grant the request. We are all human; all emotional beings. Whether in our personal relationships or in the workplace, the fact that our behavior is caused by our thoughts and emotions is undeniable. When you dig deeper beneath someone’s position in a conflict to uncover the feelings behind it, you’ll make better progress toward resolving it.

In addition to the content goals people have during conflict, there are also relational goals. These goals reflect how both you and others want to be treated as you discuss and resolve conflicts. There are some basic premises around relational goals, which include being treated with respect and dignity, being heard, and making a good-faith effort to empathize and resolve disagreement. Avoiding manipulation and coercion are also a part of relational goals during conflict.

When these types of goals are respected by all involved, you create a better atmosphere for resolving conflict. This allows for greater focus on positions and interests without unhealthy distraction. When everyone feels they’re being treated with basic respect and that an effort to maintain relationships is being made, then all can get to work on the business of resolving the conflict itself.

Procedural goals during conflict consider what process is being used to create solutions and how decisions on conflict resolution are made. For instance, if three options for resolution are presented to you by the other party instead of you discussing and mutually coming up with potential solutions, you may feel that the process of generating solutions hasn’t been fair or inclusive. Likewise, if you don’t agree on the process of choosing a solution and feel like you haven’t been able to participate or that it was arbitrary or biased, you will see it as unfair and are less likely to respect the outcome.

When we feel like the process is fundamentally fair and rational—and that we’ve had an opportunity to be heard and our viewpoints considered—even if we disagree with the outcome we’re much more likely to respect and abide by it. Bear in mind that when you’re in conflict and manipulation and coercion enter into the fray, procedural fairness is sacrificed and anger can run deep.

If you’re in a dominant position during conflict, avoid the temptation to impose your will on others for its own sake and be directive. People in weaker positions who see themselves as the victim of coercion and manipulation commonly try to “get even” when the opportunity arises for them in the future. If you choose these tactics, be prepared to get stabbed in the back at some point. It’s often terminal for your relationships with others too.

In contrast, when others know you’re in a dominant position and could impose your will on them but instead choose good-faith efforts to resolve conflict on equal footing, they’ll have greater respect for you and for the outcome—even if it isn’t what they hoped for.

The last goal people have during conflict situations is related to their sense of self-esteem. No one likes walking away from conflict with wounded pride and damaged self-esteem. We rarely forget when we lose face and are made to feel insignificant as a result of conflict. When pride is damaged and we feel we’ve lost our standing, our efforts can unhealthily turn to dragging others down with us. We may also obsessively focus on how to repair our damaged self-esteem, rather than putting the conflict situation in the past and moving forward with the best of intentions. Such damage causes the past to lurk over our shoulder as a distraction until the healing is complete—if it ever is—and inhibits us from looking toward tomorrow.

·????????Do you dig beneath others’ positions during conflict to uncover their interests, exploring the “why” behind their goals?

·????????Are you sensitive to how others want to be treated during a conflict discussion?

·????????Do you consider the process of resolving the conflict, ensuring that it’s inclusive and considered fundamentally fair to everyone?

·????????Do you help others maintain or enhance their self-esteem during conflict, or do you wound them?

·????????Do you use your dominant power position to force conflict solutions on others, or try to deal with them as an equal partner?

*The above article contains an excerpt from the book "Fulfilled: Finding Joy and Prosperity in Life"

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