Everyday Mentoring - Part one

Every time someone signs up to become a mentor with The Boys' Network, I don't just see numbers, I see lives that will be changed, impacted and influenced. Part of our process is listening to the stories of the potential mentors to hear how they got to where they are now. I'm blown away by the amount of men who have said "I think if I had a programme like this when I was younger, then possibly, there wouldn't have been so many mistakes," or words to that effect. This article is an opportunity I want to take to share some helpful insights into what might help fuel your enthusiasm for mentoring.

Think about the words MINDSET, TOOL SET, and SKILL SET. DIY isn't something that comes easy to me and if I'm honest, my wife is much better at it than me. However, this simple analogy presents a good start in where we go with our mentoring practice.

• Mindset is that "I can do it, I've got this" mentality. Even the most confident businessman, when one on one with a teenage student can feel a bit lost but the tools mean nothing unless the mindset is there in the first place.
• Tool Set are the models or ideas that provide the mentor with how to execute the task, however they have to be the right tools. The amount of useless screwdrivers I felt I had in my toolbox when actually, they might just be the wrong ones for the job I'm trying to carry out. On top of that, your experience is unique and you get to bring to the task what others perhaps can't.
• Skill Set is to do with competence which can be developed. We can be taught how to mentor and we can learn how to do it well; in my view, mentoring is a skill that comes through mentoring.

Mentoring is a teaching-learning relationship founded on the idea that one person can help another person reach a life goal or develop personal potential (Manning, 2005:15)

There are two words that stand out to me here, 'help and relationship' but the key component is 'relationship'. To make a relationship work, a rapport has to be built and that includes working out what you (the mentor) and the mentee have in common. If you're a few months down the line with our programme, you'll see the importance of building that rapport and how different it might be to build when mentoring a young person. Sometimes, the use of everyday objects can serve as a means to build rapport and gather momentum.

Consider the player image above; even this can be used as a mentoring tool. Each of the buttons can be used as a way of helping the student to consider where they are in life at the moment, what impact is being made on their lives and how they get to where they're going. When I was younger, faith, friends and music were of great importance to me and still are to this day. (I wasn't quite the person you see in the image below) I'm going to isolate these buttons on the player though and use them as metaphors for mentoring.

STOP - It's interesting that this word is a verb and yet its very meaning is to cease. The reflective people love it. Think about the young person you mentor. Do they always feel like they need to be doing something or saying something? If so, why? What might happen if they stopped, even for a moment. What might they learn in that moment? Offering a challenge is important in mentoring on the proviso that you can also offer channels of advice as a means of support. Have them write down in their workbooks what they learn from 'stopping.'

RECORD - What if they don't know how to stop? A few years ago, I remember mentoring a student who found that in school, they were always falling asleep, their grades were dropping and they were getting put in conduct because they weren't completing homework on time. Their issue was that they went to bed around 9pm but didn't fall asleep until 2am. As they opened up a bit more, I found out it took so long for them to get to sleep because they had so many things going round and round in their mind - they were replaying events of the day. They didn't know how to stop. Simply, I encouraged them to try a journal. I shared with them the benefits of recording through writing and asked them to observe the difference that might make. Within a matter of weeks, they were sleeping much better, performing better in lessons and spending less time in conduct. They went on to pass all of their exams too.

It takes work to make PLAY work

PLAY takes work - It's funny how when you get older, play involves work. Let me explain. When we were younger, there weren't any great responsibilities we had that meant we had to juggle priorities in order to get time with friends. Play wasn't seen as part of our lives, it was our life, it was the most important part of our lives and our friends were the ones who had the biggest influence on us. Sometimes, friendship groups changed which brought anxiety and at other times, excitement. Who our mentees spend most of their time with will shape the decisions they make, the actions they take and potentially, some of the outcomes of their lives. Your intervention is CRUCIAL.

The Circle of Control & Influence is about who we are allowing to influence the direction of our lives.?This will be affected by several areas.?In short, the mentees may feel they have friends who they trust and with whom they confide in.?There may be?acquaintances they know but ones whom they choose to keep on the outside.?The Circle of Control & Influence poses a challenging question:?“Are there TRUSTED FRIENDS who should be on the outside, and are there ACQUAINTANCES who may be wise enough to be on the inside?”

As you think about your own story, try to recall the times when you changed friendship groups.?Why did that happen and what impact did it have on you as well as those who you’d been friends with?

REWIND - I think one of the main responsibilities of a mentor is to broaden perspective for the mentee. A helpful way of broadening that perspective is by reflecting (rewinding) on past behaviours, attitudes and thoughts. A useful model for coaching which would transfer to mentoring too (there's a discussion!) is 'Perceptual Positions'.

There's often drama going on amongst young people and even when the more mature type try to avoid it, somehow they can get caught up in it. This model enables the mentee to look at the drama from a range of perspectives in order to unpick what the real problem might be. This can also be a helpful reflective tool for you as a mentor. Is it time for you to rewind and see how you're doing? Remember, results in mentoring are seldom seen immediately. Thank you for your time in mentoring young people, you've made a difference already.

Mentoring is an ever-developing practice and this is the first in the series - 'Everyday Mentoring,' designed to support you on your mentoring journey.

Questions and comments are welcomed below.