Every word we choose can either bring us freedom or keep us in captivity

a 28-year-old Israeli musician who was kidnapped by Hamas in October 2023 and was accidentally killed by IDF while trying to escaped from his captors.

Iris wrote this article is about her personal experience of dealing with this complex situation.

" The words "captive in Gaza" send shivers down our spines. The context is all too present today.

My son, Yotam Hayim, was held captive in Gaza for 65 days, and another five days free outside of captivity.

During those 70 days, I refused to wear the necklace "My heart is captive in Gaza"; instead, I placed a necklace with the saying "To believe, to see good" around my neck.

From the first day of the terrible war we are in, I was free, free in my mind.

I chose not to be captive to the concept that the media was conveying: all the hostages are beaten, humiliated, and in tunnels. Out of a sense of freedom and liberty, I decided to choose how I see my son. All this when I knew nothing about his condition. Absolutely nothing.

I had a choice. "In the light, not in the pit," I said.

Every day I am free to choose how I see him: in the pit, as might be the most logical thing to think, because that's what everyone says; or in the light, because that's what I believe.

Because that's how I can strengthen myself and strengthen Yotam. I chose to see Yotam in the light, and even when they told me he was in a tunnel, I took the freedom to choose: is his spirit also in the pit? His spirit is in the light, his spirit is strong, he is strong and he is coping, that's what I want to think.

Free consciousness was the only thing I could control during Yotam's kidnapping. It was a freedom I took for myself, not to be bound by the conventions I was immersed in before October 7 - conventions of sectors, of political opinions, of beliefs, of one sector or another. During the period, I broke free from the captivity of prejudices, "All of them are like this, and all of them are like that."

On October 7, my son was kidnapped from Kibbutz Kfar Aza, from the apartment where he had lived for two and a half years in the young people's neighborhood located on the kibbutz fence. A green and lively neighborhood. Students and young people lived there, all in their twenties and thirties without children. Yotam is a talented musician, a drummer in a band, and all he wanted was to continue playing and become a famous drummer. Yotam, 28, a redhead with blue eyes and tattoos all over his body, was identified as a terrorist by an IDF soldier, shot and killed on December 15, 2023. The automatic response to such a difficult event was to be angry and blame the army for the terrible mistake. My family - my husband, me and the children - chose to call for the strengthening of the soldiers without anger or blame.

Captivity is a state of mind. Continuing to live in anger at someone else who did something to you means being captive to the person who hurt you.

I worked on releasing anger and blame many years ago, through personal and internal processes that helped me get rid of a feeling that was hard for me, and did not allow me to move forward in life.

The intention behind the phrase "My heart is captive in Gaza" is good. It is meant to say that my heart is with the hostages and with what they are going through; that I identify with them, think about them and care about them. However, by choosing these words, I am actually sending myself the subconscious message that I am allowing Hamas to control my consciousness; that I am willing for Hamas to take my heart away from me, and then I cannot separate myself from the situation.

When I wore the necklace "To believe, to see good," I continued to worry about my son, I continued to want him to come back, but from a positive place. From the personal, powerful place. Every word we choose can either bring us freedom or keep us in captivity. The message to Yotam, to myself and to all the people of Israel was and still is: I'm here, Yotam. My heart is here, caring for you. I believe in you, I see your strength and your power, and I know you're coming home soon.

A few days ago I met with bereaved families, and I asked each one to tell me about their son or daughter. Everyone, without exception, used the words "murdered," "victim," "abandoned" - words that perpetuate the harsh and terrible reality that their child is no longer alive.

I use the words: Yotam was set free, he is free now. He was in physical captivity, but on a conscious level I know that his spirit was always free.

He yearned for freedom and he received his freedom.

I wish for all of us to be able to break free from the captivity of our prejudices, the captivity of generalizations.

That we will be able to break out of the need to stay within rigid frameworks to true conscious freedom.