Every relationship is built on empathy

Developing empathy in relationships is the key to connection and communication! In fact, empathy is incredibly good for you! We know?from the research?that it not only strengthens relationships, but it also increases cooperation, helps people forgive, decreases negativity, aggression and being judgmental and even improves your physical health!

Feeling truly understood and seen by our partners (or anyone) is one of our deepest needs as humans. Psychologist?Carl Rogers, the father of the client-centered approach to therapy, talked incessantly about the need for empathy in human relationships. He said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!” He goes on to say, “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.”

NOTE: This is true for all relationships, not just partnerships!

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Three Kinds of Empathy in Relationships

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Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman?break empathy down into three categories?and while all three are wonderful, one of them doesn’t create the kind of deep connection most people are wanting.

1. Cognitive empathy

This is when you’re able to understand how another person feels and what they might be thinking.

2. Emotional empathy

This is when you’re actually able to feel what someone else is feeling and this is where a deeper emotional connection starts.

3. Compassionate empathy

Now that you understand what someone’s feeling and can experience that feeling yourself, you’re moved to take action and help however you can.

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The Five Steps to Developing More Empathy in Relationships

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Step 1: Listen Hard and Ask Thoughtful Questions

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To develop empathy, you first have?to learn to really listen. I mean listen hard, like this is your job and you’re getting paid. Listening means you’re completely present for what’s being said. You’re?not reacting from your own thoughts or feelings?but are?being mindful?so you can stay in the present moment and be fully engaged in what the other person is saying.

In your listening, your goal is to identify what the other person is feeling, which means you need to recognize what different feelings look, sound and feel like in your partner or this other person.

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Step 2: Connect with the Feeling, Not the Situation

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What usually happens is that someone is sharing something that upset them, but it’s not something that would upset you, so it’s hard to find the compassion, patience or empathy for what they’re experiencing. That’s because you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Instead of focusing on the situation and putting yourself in that situation, focus on the feeling and think of a time you’ve had that feeling.

Bottom Line: It’s not about how you would feel in a similar situation. It’s about being in their emotional shoes and feeling what they felt in that situation. You’re taking on this painful emotion so that your partner or the other person doesn’t have to go through this alone.

Step 3: Share Your Own Feelings

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?Step 3 is all about sharing your own experiences?with this feeling. Again, the key isn’t to problem-solve or attempt to figure anything out. The key is to let the other person know they’re not alone in these types of feelings.

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Step 4: What Can I Do?

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It is ONLY after you’ve completed the other steps that you can then ask more questions to show support and teamwork. When you’re empathetic with your partner you become a teammate with them against whatever the hardship or bad event is!

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Now you can ask:

• Is there anything I can do for you?
• If I could say the perfect thing right now, what would it be?
• If I could do one wonderful thing to support you right now, what would it be?
• Is there anything you need from me right now?

Step 5: Practice Makes Perfect

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Empathy in relationshps is a skill. The more you practice the better you get. So, the last step in developing empathy in relationships is to consistently listen to one another’s thoughts and feelings. It’s to stay curious about the innerworkings of your partner. As you learn to see the world from your partner’s point of view, you deepen your understanding and connection.

A great practice is to also take a relationship quiz where you answer questions about your partner and then compare answers at the end to see how well you know this person. It’s a wonderful way to deepen understanding and this idea of really being seen by your partner.

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