Every Loss Is Another Fight

The past weeks, I have taken a journey of self-discovery. It was when I randomly listened to Bon Iver's Heavenly Father and the lyric goes, "'Cause I'm a known coward in a coward wind," it hits right in the feels and I realized that I have been hiding, all this time, behind my cowardice. I can assure you that nothing more is scarier than you looked at yourself in the mirror and see someone else entirely different staring back at you. In my case, I see a person with a mask of grace and nobility, but obscurely burying malevolence and malign. In essence: a JERK.

The thing is, to my regret, when terms are coming back at you: the failures start to become real, the person(s) I care about are leaving and I found myself in the darkest place where I run in circle, drifting motionless and not knowing where's the beginning and where's the end. This place is called ‘Despair’ and it feels like a quicksand; the more you kicking and screaming, the more you’re drowning. It's true when they said "The path to finding truth often painful and deserted." So, down to the rabbit hole I go.

During my dark times, I recalled a message from a remarkable woman who once said to me, “Being nice is a choice.” It is a stunning and revealing piece of advice; yet so difficult to conjure. Or, maybe I was too lazy (or afraid) to do it. She then continued:

1. “Everyone, especially you (that’s me, by the way), should learn to adapt to others and accept that a lot of times, things aren't seemed they're supposed to.”
2. “When things are not supposed to, don’t complain. But if you have to, do it politely.”
3. “Be humble with what you can and can't have.”
4. “Remember that people have their limit too.”
5. Last but not least: “Hold yourself from being cynical and sarcastic. One day, it will get back to you.”

Apparently, to my unbeknownst I ripped off my humanity of me and have been acting as normal as pushing too hard on people as if they were expendable assets. I forgot that people have feelings and when I smile, (more than often) they smile too. And they also carry their own problems. Sometimes as easy as say ‘Hello!’ to them can be a cure. I did not know this. I do now.

The journey so far has been liberating. Scary, but liberating. I realize that to follow these five steps of ‘Empathy’ may have consequences. But this is the consequences I must endure, even when things are not returning to what it’s supposed to. Being lost is hard. But I need to find my way back.