Ever struggled to deal with critical feedback? You are not alone. Here's 5 tips that may help

So far we have established that we can achieve a lot more by encouraging positive behaviour instead of sharing constructive feedback with our colleagues and employees: reinforcing what it means to us when they do something good will encourage them to repeat the behaviour and excel at what they do more often (part 1 )

We have also looked at why feedback is important ( ?? it helps us overcome some of our most obvious blindspots), what is feedback really about ( ?? it could be sharing appreciation, evaluation or coaching) and why sometimes it ends up triggering us ( ?? either the content of the feedback appears not to be true, our image of the person giving it makes us doubt its validity or the feedback seems to question parts of our own identity and jars with us) (part 2 )

But what if we are on the receiving end of poorly handled or negative feedback?

In this final article on this subject, I am going to share 5 tips and some suggestions to make the most of your future feedback exchanges.

They still mainly come from the book Thanks For The Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. If you want to learn more about this topic, I recommend both audiobook and paperback versions.

[If you have missed the previous posts, you can read more about fostering a culture of excellence here and about the qualities of feedback here ]

Here's what you can try next time (TL; DR)

1. First of all understand what the feedback truly means.
2. When you receive feedback, look for patterns & align on how you both interpret the facts.
3. Figure out a good place to start.
4. Know and protect yourself: we are all wired differently | be aware of some common distortions | notice what's happening and contain the story | inoculate yourself against the worst | accept that you can't control how others see you | set boundaries | give yourself a second score based on how you handle the feedback itself
5. If unsure about what to do, start with small experiments.

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1. First of all understand what the feedback being shared truly means.

Feedback arrives packaged like generic items at the supermarket labeled "soup" or "cola".

Those labels always mean something specific to the giver: in our head, we have a high-definition movie that captures all that we mean with those labels. When we use a label, we are seeing that movie and it's painfully clear. It's easy to forget that when we convey the label to someone else the rest of the information (the movie) is not attached to it. All they are hearing is a few vague words.

It's so easy to misconstrue the meaning of the feedback shared...!

The suggestion here is to try and understand what the feedback is really about. Identify if it is appreciation, coaching, or evaluation. If you can work together with the person who is sharing the feedback to get a more complete picture, you will maximise the chances to (both) learn something.

Here are some ideas of what could help:

a. Ask where the feedback is coming from - feedback givers arrive at their labels in two steps: (1) they observe data and (2) they interpret that data by telling a story about what it means. More often than not, this happens without them even realising so much that they often confuse data and interpretation.

The key is to get a clearer picture of both the data and the interpretation so you can understand a bit better where they are actually coming from and if their facts or their interpretation of the facts aligns with yours.

To do so ask open questions and see if you can get closer to what the other person is experiencing. [understand data and interpretations]

b. Ask where the feedback is going, to understand advice, consequences, and expectations.

If you are receiving coaching, it helps to clarify the advice: "could you describe what you mean with X?" "could you provide examples of X?" etc...

If you are receiving an evaluation it helps to clarify consequences and expectations: "what does this mean for me?" "what will happen next?" "what is expected of me?" "Given where I stand, what should I do now?" etc...

2. When you receive feedback, look for patterns and align on how you interpret the facts.

Patterns offer useful clues about blind spots.

(1) Consider to what extent you are each describing the same behaviour but interpreting it differently (others may be misunderstanding you or you could be unaware of your impact).

(2) Ask yourself "have I ever heard this before?" it might be that the feedback is pointing towards something important that you can explore further and maybe that's actually one of your blindspots...

3. Figure out a good place to start.

Ask the feedback giver to share their view and come to a place where you both agree on the most important for you to work on. A useful thing. A place to start. A way could be to ask them "How do I get in my own way?" or better, "Name one thing you see me doing, or failing to do, that gets in my own way".

4. Learn to know and protect yourself

• Wiring matters: know your wiring and your feedback footprint. People react to feedback in different ways. That's because of the fundamental differences in our built-in neural structures: we are all wired differently. "Our wiring affects who we are, tilting us towards being anxious or upbeat, shy or outgoing, sensitive or resilient, and it contributes to how intensely feedback - both positive and negative - affects us. It influences how high we go, how low we descend, and how quickly we recover from dread or despair". Our emotions affect our thinking and our thinking influences our emotions [more on this here ]. Understanding your own wiring and tendencies helps you to improve your ability to weather the storm of negative feedback, and dig yourself out in the morning. Each of us has our own set of reactive behaviours in response to criticism. We all have our own personal stages of acceptance and rejection as well. Regardless of whether your reactions are productive or debilitating, it's enormously helpful to be aware of your particular patterns. [I am likely to expand on this subject on a separate article. Stay tuned for more :)]

Top tip: ask yourself "how do I typically react?". If you are having trouble discerning your footprint ask those around you. As they describe your defensive behaviour you can notice yourself getting defensive about it. Then you will know. Remember that if you are able to name the emotion and the reaction you immediately gain some power over it.

If you've spent all lifetime being told that you are either "hypersensitive" or "totally oblivious" this is a moment to step back and say "okay, so that's how I'm built. That's how I showed up in the world".

This doesn't absolve you of the responsibility for how you are and how you act - but it being aware of it can help.

• Be aware of some common distortions - sometimes we distort the truth. Feelings can exaggerate and amplify the feedback: now becomes always, partly becomes entirely and slightly becomes extremely. The strong feelings triggered by the feedback can cause us to distort our thinking about present, past and future. Being aware of these distorsions can help us recalibrate how we react. Three common patterns are:

1. Google bias: today's upsetting feedback can influence the story we tell about yesterday. Suddenly what comes to mind is all the evidence of past failures, earlier poor choices, and so on. It's a bit like searching on google. The fact the search engine returns over a billion results about say monkeypox, does not mean that it's everywhere. And ignoring these stories does not mean the disease does not exist either... When you are feeling lousy about yourself you are effectively googling "things that are wrong with me" and your brain returns over a billion examples. You can't recall even one thing you did right... Of course when you feel good, the google bias tilts in the other direction: you rock and always have. When it comes to your stories about yourself, you get what you google. What we focus on becomes bigger.
2. Emotional flooding: when we feel happy and healthy we are able to contain negative feedback to the topic or trait under scrutiny and the person giving the feedback ("ok, this person says x in this particular context. It is about one specific thing and it is from one person") but if you are in the grip of strong emotions, negative feedback floods across boundaries into other areas of your self-image and washes away even the positive attributes that might lend balance to the picture.
3. The forever bias: Feelings affect not only how we recall the past but also how we imagine the future. When we feel bad, we assume we will always feel bad. And perhaps worse, we engage in catastrophic thinking and our stories can snowball out of control. "I had something stuck on my teeth during the date" becomes "I will die alone".

Top tip: rewind your thoughts and straighten them up. Learning to regain our balance so we can accurately assess the feedback is first a matter of rewinding our thoughts and straightening them out. Once we have gotten the feedback in a realistic perspective, we have a real shot at learning from it.

• Notice what's happening and separate your feelings from the story you are telling yourself and from the feedback itself - during the feedback conversation itself periodically check in on yourself and slow things down. Here's some useful questions to ask yourself: "what do I feel?" "what's the story I'm telling myself - (and inside that story what's the threat)?" "what's the actual feedback?"
• Contain the story - the present does not change the past. The present influences but does not determine the future. Being lousy on one thing doesn't make us lousy at unrelated things, and being lousy at something now doesn't mean we will always be lousy at it. If one person doesn't like us, it doesn't me that everyone doesn't like us. Even a person who doesn't like us usually likes some things about us. And people's views of us can change over time
• Inoculate yourself against the worst - your footprint will show up strongest when the feedback is toughest. If you are about to get some news, a useful way to manage your own tendencies to is to imagine that the news is bad. Thinking through in advance "what's the worst that can happen", trying it on emotionally and reasoning through the possible consequences it's a reminder that whatever the outcome, you will be able to manage.
• Accept that you can't control how others see you - we can become obsessed with the desire to get others to admit they were wrong / change their views about us. We can't. No matter how wrong and unfair their view of you might be, you can't control what others think.

• Set Boundaries - being able to establish limits on the feedback you get is crucial to your well-being and the health of your relationships. Three useful boundaries are:

1. Thanks and no - I am happy to hear your coaching but I may not take your advice
2. Not now, not about that - I don't want to hear about that subject, not right now: I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now.
3. Stop or I'll leave the relationship - our relationship rides on our ability to keep your judgments to yourself

• Give yourself a "second score" on how you have handled the situation itself - after every low score evaluation, give yourself a second score based on how you handle the first score :) Focus on the way in which you react, what you learn from the exchange and what you are doing differently compared to previous similar experiences. In every situation in life, there is the situation itself and then there's how you handle it. While the initial evaluation is not fully within your control, your reaction to it usually is. In the long term how you react to situations is a lot more important than the situations themselves. As you go through life and you continue to receive feedback, you can keep measuring how you are handling the situation and see how you improve at making the most of the exchange.

Feedback isn't just about the quality of the advice or the accuracy of the assessments. It's about the quality of the relationship, your willingness to show that you don't have it all figured out and that you are committed to bring your whole self into it.

Bonus tip for feedback givers: In the book Radical Candor Kim Scott encourage us to share genuine and candid feedback regularly, exploiting micro-interactions one to one when it’s most pertinent and relevant without having to make a big deal out of it — e.g. when walking out of a room immediately after a meeting (or in the time it takes to switch to another virtual call). It’s actually a really good suggestion and it helps remove the “stress” that comes with scheduling specific “feedback sharing sessions” in the diary. Here’s a nice summary of some of the key lessons from the book, also recommended.

5. if unsure about what to do, start with small experiments

If you aren't sure if listening to the feedback is a good idea or not, experiment. Try the feedback out, especially when the stakes are low and the potential upside is great :)

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TL;DR

Ever struggled with poorly handled negative feedback? In this post I shared 5 tips and some suggestions to make the most of your future feedback exchanges:

1. First of all understand what the feedback truly means. Sometimes what people share is mislabelled or requires us to take some steps to fully understand what the other person is trying to get at. If you can work together with them to get a more complete picture, you will maximise the chances to both learn something. Try asking where the feedback is coming from to understand the data and their interpretations and where the feedback is going to get under the skin of advice, potential consequences and external expectations

2. When you receive feedback, look for patterns and align on how you interpret the facts. Are you both describing the same things but interpreting it differently? Is this a pattern that you repeat without realising? is it something pointing you toward one of your blind spots ?

3. Figure out a good place to start. Identify one thing you could do differently. Ask them "How do I get in my own way?" or better, "Name one thing you see me doing, or failing to do, that gets in my own way"

4. Learn to know and protect yourself:

• We are all wired differently - people react to feedback in different ways because of fundamental differences in our built-in neural structures. Your emotions affect your thinking and your thinking influences your emotions. Understanding your own wiring and tendencies is enormously helpful to improve your ability to deal with what you perceive to be criticism.
• Be aware of some common distortions - the strong feelings triggered by the feedback can cause us to distort our thinking about present past and future. (1) What you focus on becomes bigger (what you see it all there is). (2) Negative emotions could "flood" us distorting the way in which we perceive what's going on in the moment. (3) Our feeling may distort how we imagine the future. Practice rewinding your thoughts and to straighten them up. Learning to regain our balance so we can accurately asseess the feedback is going to help us a lot.
• Notice what's happening - separate your feelings from the story you are telling yourself and from the feedback itself.
• Contain the story - the present doesn't change the past and the future is not predetermined. Everything is relative: being bad at one thing doesn't make us bad at everything. If one person doesn't like us it doesn't mean everyone doesn't like us, etc...
• Inoculate yourself against the worst - thinking about "what's the worst that can happen?" can help you be mentally prepared to deal with the feedback about to be shared.
• Accept that you can't control how others see you - focus on the bits you can control. Either change your behaviour or do nothing :)
• Set boundaries - thanks and no, I won't take your advice. Not now, not about that. Stop or I'll leave the relationship.
• Give yourself a second score based on how you handle the feedback itself - focus on how you react and on what you can learn from the experience or what you are doing differently compared to similar previous experiences.

5. if unsure about what to do, start with small experiments. If you aren't sure if listening to the feedback is a good idea or not, experiment. Try it out, especially when the stakes are low and the potential upside is great!

Bonus tip: read the book most of this content comes from - Thanks For The Feedback. The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Enjoyed this post? Please share your reaction or let me know in the comments.

Feedback is always welcome.

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Further readings

• The Feedback Fallacy - HBR article
• Radical Candor. How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean
• Thanks For The Feedback. The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
• Black Box Thinking. Marginal Gains and the Secrets of High Performance: The Surprising Truth About Success?