A Eulogy to a Friend

I did not write the words that follow. They were penned by a friend about a friend who tragically took his life. He shared it with me and I found it so powerful that I asked him if I could post it on this forum. He said yes. By sharing these words, my hope is that what he writes about might be avoided somewhere in the future. Their names don't matter but the story does. Mental health for all, but especially Veterans, remains an issue in our Nation. Though the great majority of those who returned from the past 20 years of war are doing outwardly well in both their personal and professional lives, far too many struggle. Why? I wish I knew. Maybe they miss the impossible to replicate camaraderie and cohesion of being in a combat unit? I think we all miss it. Possibly they still hold inside some guilt of survival or shortcomings in the fight that they believe resulted in another's death or injury? Again, many deal with these emotions every day. Or they struggle with the pain of a real physical injury the pain of which never really goes away? And of course abuse of alcohol and drugs are more than likely somewhere in this tragic mix of despondency, self doubt and pain.

The many Veterans Groups and the VA do what they can and from where I sit they do it well. That said, irrespective of the support and help that is out there, and it is out there, those of us who served together, must continue to stay connected. We must continue to reach out, make time, call, talk, check in on those we served with. It might not make a difference but we have to do what we can for each other. No, it will never be the same but at a minimum we can share the memories and tell each other "we care for each other, that we all have value in this life and in the fight we did our best." Now the words of my friend about his friend.

"Recently, a friend died.?He had served in Desert Storm/Desert Shield, Somalia, Iraq, and Afghanistan.?His first two combat tours found him wearing the cloth of an active-duty Marine, the last two as a Reserve.?He was always itching to “get to the fight” and be part of the team.?During his time in Iraq, he was very seriously wounded and barely survived.?His recovery was long and slow, leaving physical scars – and invisible ones far more dangerous.?His passing embraced methods we don’t speak about.??Why?

?I don’t know if PTSD is real, to what extent it impacts one Marine compared to another and how it grinds on those who have served.?I do know that when you go to war there are a series of highs and lows that all go through.?The preparations for deployment, the uncertainty of what you will face, the constant preparedness while in the war zone and then the return home places us all on a roller-coaster of emotions.?Those who experience the horrors of war firsthand likely deal with matters at a different level.?For those who have never experienced, it is tantamount to preparing for a big sports match and the adrenaline that rushes through your body before, during and after the game.?The difference though:?the war never leaves you and it remains in your veins.?Unlike sports, victory and defeat in war is not measured by a score but by the frailty of human life.?The referee in war is our own human conscience – what we see, do and act upon in war impacts the individual more so than the team.??Those images of war stay with us forever.

?My friend?was having trouble.?We all get wrapped up in our lives and we are busy.?He was busy, but in a different way.?His memories were different than mine.?His pain was real from injuries and like too many in his situation (and in society writ large today) he likely managed it in other ways.?Maybe pain medication replaced the highs and lows by ensuring “highs.”?He likely turned inward when what he really needed was to turn outward.?The on-set of COVID exacerbated matters with increased solitude.?The paucity of programs that TRULY understand this issue contribute to solving core challenges.?The increased rhetoric in our social media and political discourse is a contributing factor.?In sum, our society is moving in the wrong direction to assist in emotional stability and how to care for each other.?As a Nation, we are only as good as our weakest link, and more weak links of the chain are showing vice leadership re-forging a chain to ensure it remains unbreakable.?We may on occasion talk a good game about taking care of our veterans but what we ACTUALLY DO is becoming the difference, the difference between talking and doing is becoming the weakest link.

Should I have reached to him??Should I have met him for beer??Should I have ensured he had the help he needed??The answer is “yes” to these and many more questions that likely apply.?We have a Veterans administration that is attempting to do good things, but this is not a problem that money can solve.?This is a problem that requires leadership, patience, a keen understanding of how someone gets to this point and then how to get them in a better place.?This will only get worse, and we don’t need to bury any more Veterans before their time.?

?Lincoln stated, “to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and orphan.”?Let’s focus to help and mitigate the creation of widows and orphans."

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