The EU Football Team: Playing Together is Fun

If the European Union were a football team, it’d be the most entertainingly dysfunctional squad to ever grace the football pitch.

Not because of its skill, mind you, but because of the sheer absurdity of the team. Let's take a closer look at how the EU lines up on the field.

1. Eternal Squad Selection Dilemma

With a 26-player roster, you’d think the EU could assemble a world-class XI. But no—this team operates without a coach, and the starting lineup is chosen not by talent, but by political compromise. Imagine Germany, the powerhouse, sitting on the bench because France insists on dominating midfield. A Finnish striker up front? Sure, because why not? And then there’s Croatia. Young, eager, and female, she’s guaranteed a starting position—not because of her talent, but to ensure no anti-discrimination rules are violated.

Logic has no place here—this team’s motto is: “Every nation gets a jersey, whether they can kick a ball or not.” The best players often get sidelined while others are picked just to keep the peace. It's like choosing your striker based on how well they argue about agricultural subsidies at halftime.

2. Playing by the Rules—and Then Some

The EU’s playbook is self-written and excessively complicated with more than 100.000 pages. Other teams worry about the offside rule; the EU worries about carbon-neutral goal celebrations and ethical corner kicks. By the time the players finish complying with their own regulations, they’re already two goals down.

It's football, but with a twist: instead of focusing on scoring, the EU spends half its time debating whether the pitch grass height adheres to regulation. The spectators have gotten so used to this ultra-regulated, overly cautious gameplay that they cheer for a sideways pass and politely applaud a shot on target, even if it misses.

3. A Team of Fat, Chain-Smoking Misfits

Now, let’s talk about the players themselves. Half of them are unfit, puffing cigarettes during warm-ups and downing pints at halftime. Some don’t even believe they should be on the team (looking at you, Hungary). This squad excels at scoring own goals, often celebrated as acts of “strategic ambiguity”.

It’s a team that doesn’t know whether to play forward, backward, or just sit in the middle and have a nice chat about the pace of the game.

4. Halftime Magic: The EU’s Doping Scandal

If there’s one thing the EU team does well, it’s halftime incentives. Forget oranges—this team thrives on EU funds, disguised as performance-enhancing substances. Got a lazy midfielder? Throw some structural funds their way, and suddenly they’re sprinting (well, jogging) again.

But the moment the money dries up, they’re back to napping in the penalty box and complaining that it’s the neighbor's fault.

5. The Overcrowded Technical Staff

While other teams have a modest coaching setup, the EU has an army of specialists. There's a consultant for shoelace-tying techniques, a committee for jersey compliance with ESG rules, and a task force on the emotional well-being of players and their pets.

The technical staff is so massive that it occupies an entire section of the stadium. Meanwhile, the players can barely hear themselves think over the noise of all the contradictory advice being shouted at them. The result? Chaos on the pitch, but an excellently formatted report about why the chaos happened.

6. The Ex-Player Is Always the Best (According to Them)

Remember that one player who stormed off the pitch mid-season, insisting they could do better on their own? The same one who was always complaining that no one passed them the ball and declared they’d rather play solo at home? Well, now they’re in a local pub league with no relegation rules, playing to a home crowd of desperate housewives and retired fans who still remember the glory days.

They claim they’re thriving, but they secretly miss the big matches and wonder why no one invites them to friendly matches. Ironically, the only ones who still think Brexit was a great player are the team of EU misfits—because every dysfunctional squad needs an ex-player to blame when things go sideways.

7. The Team with Its Own Ball

Another aspect of the EU football team is that they decided to invent their own ball and called it the EURO. At first, it showed a lot of potential—sleek, shiny, and supposedly built for better teamwork. But then the trouble started. Some players developed anti-EURO allergies and began sneaking in other balls during practice, insisting theirs worked better.

Meanwhile, the defenders keep tripping over the EURO because no one can agree on the European Central Bank’s strict rules for how the ball should be kicked, who gets to kick it, and what pressure level it needs to maintain for maximum efficiency. Half the team argues it’s too inflated, while the other half demands more air. In the end, they mostly pass it around in circles, hoping it doesn’t deflate entirely before the final whistle.

8. Abuse of VAR (Very Abstract Rules)

While other teams use VAR to review controversial plays, the EU takes it to another level. Their version of VAR—Very Abstract Rules—isn’t just about checking fouls or offsides. Instead, it’s used to deliver long, complex lectures to players mid-game about why their pass was wrong, complete with flowcharts and legal jargon. If a player screws up badly enough, they might even be asked to return some of the doping funds they received for “underperformance.”

The VAR committee sits in a cozy room in Brussels, equipped with state-of-the-art amenities and endless spreadsheets, all while connected to satellites operated by the opposing teams. Ironically, those opponents can hear every decision being debated but are just as baffled by the EU’s tactics as the players on the pitch. Ultimately, no one really knows what’s going on, but the EU players nod solemnly, pretending it all makes perfect sense.

9. Supporters Who Love the Misery

Here’s the strangest part: the fans. EU supporters willingly pay outrageous ticket prices to watch their team of misfits fumble through every match without any opportunity for refund. They don’t complain about the cost—only about the existential crisis of the team itself. Half of the stadium spectators is anyway funded with ticket money charged to the other half to come to the Stadium one way or another. And despite watching decades of uninspired play, they remain fiercely loyal, convinced that "ultra-regulated tactics are better than no tactics at all.

10. Final whistle is always delayed by extra-time

The EU football team may not win many matches, but it sure knows how to keep the spectators talking with extra-time. It’s a team that plays not to win, but to exist together on the same pitch. And perhaps that’s the point. After all, when the actual final whistle blows, it’s not about the score—it’s about the post-match debate, the regulatory reforms, and the inevitable creation of a new subcommittee to review “the lessons learned from today’s game.”

So, next time you’re at an EU match, grab some overpriced popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the spectacle. Who knows? They might even score a goal (against themselves, of course).

23 January 2025