Establishing Trust with Conversational Intelligence

One of the most disarming exchanges I have ever had with a colleague came in the form of a simple question. He had just picked up the phone to answer my call, and I was quick to launch into the first topic of our meeting. But he interrupted me and asked:

“Laura - how are you doing today?”

Um, well...

Huh.

Wow.

More than a decade later I don’t remember what I actually said, but I do remember how that question made me feel. Instead of racing into our business agenda (as we are wont to do in a world of back-to-back meetings) we paused for a few moments to share what was going on for each of us.

With that simple intervention the whole conversation shifted.

Years later I know why. As discussed in Judith Glaser’s seminal book Conversational Intelligence, we had moved from having a typical “Level 1” low trust exchange focused mostly on telling things to each other, to a “Level 2” conversation that created conditional trust through inquiry. Over time we arrived at “Level 3”, having high-trust conversations based on genuine connection and collaboration.

To quote Glaser, “What happens at the moment of contact defines the relationship.” Here’s why: in a literal nanosecond our brain retrieves the mental model we associate with personal safety, we make a judgment about how it aligns with our current situation, and we don’t dispute it. We simply react. In this briefest of moments trust is established, confirmed, or eroded.

The topic of trust is often a backdrop to my work with individual leaders and teams, whether they realize it or not. The simple truth is this: bad conversations trigger distrust, good ones trigger trust. Knowing this and engaging deliberately is conversational intelligence. It’s also the foundation for de-escalating conflict, but that’s a topic for another time!

So, what’s the “CI-Q” of your organization? What would be possible if people knew how to engage in conversations that put relationships before tasks, and that prioritized co-discovery over individual expertise? Please share your comments below!

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