The ESG Onion: Philip Morris Holds 2022 Annual Meeting Of Shareholders

NEW YORK, NY–Philip Morris International Inc. (NYSE: PM) held its 2022 Annual Meeting of Shareholders today. Jacek Olczak, CEO, gave the business presentation, which included an overview of recent accomplishments:

• Finally understanding how to use my laptop’s trackpad so I could give this stupid presentation;
• My 2022 excellence outpacing my kickass 2021;
• Continued progress on sustainability, with recognition by leading external steak-holders;
• Investments in sweetass Chinese food from that new place on the corner;
• Downloading, then deleting, then re-downloading Candy Crush Soda Saga.

"The recent months have been an extremely challenging time for many in the PMI family given the war in Ukraine," said CEO Jacek Olczak. "While our primary concern is for our people and their families, cigarette smoke inhalation triples during wartime, leading to robust revenue increases in a wide swath of Eastern Europe."

Approximately 81% of the shares entitled to vote were represented at the meeting in person or by proxy. The shareholders: elected 14 nominees for director; approved, on an advisory basis, the compensation of named executive officers; approved the 2022 Performance Incentive Plan; ratified the selection of PricewaterhouseCoopers SA as independent auditors; and voted against the stupid shareholder proposal.

Mr. Olczak: “I would like to invite the 6,602,935 assholes who voted against me to bite me. You’re jealous because you’re not me. Also, to the 15,491,549 dullards who voted for the Shareholder Proposal to Phase Out all Production of PMI's Health-Hazardous and Addictive Products by 2025, you very clearly don’t get what we do here. We are health-hazardous forward and rely on addiction for annual and recurring revenues. If you want to invest in something healthy, invest in some woke, plant-based mushroom leather car floor mats or something else stupid and non-life threatening.”